Planet Football: The timing of David James's declaration, in Saturday's Guardian, that he was ready to take back the England number one spot from Paul Robinson was a touch unfortunate, in light of his mishap against Wigan. (Guardian headline: "Calamity in Copenhagen but James is now right back in the frame"; Later that afternoon: "Calamity strikes again as James blunder hands Wigan points").
James did, at least, reveal that he's a maturer character these days, compared, say, to the time goalkeeping rival Brad Friedel arrived at Liverpool. "The first game he played, I was on the bench and every time the ball came near him I was thinking 'Go on, drop it!'" Now, though, he's "a little bit older and wiser". "I remember what Spock said in his death throes in Star Trek III: 'The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few, or the one'." Presumably the man from the Guardian struggled to keep a straight face, not least when James did "a Spock sign with his left hand".
Small comfort for Crouch
Little did Liverpool fans know when they penned their tribute to Peter Crouch - "He's big, he's red, his feet hang out his bed" - that they'd be accurately forecasting the big lad's fate when he gets to England's team hotel in Germany for the World Cup. The hotel beds, it turns out, are an inch too short for Crouch. We enjoyed the response of the hotel's assistant general manager, Britta Toborg, to the problem: "The beds are two metres wide as well so if you have a bigger player he could sleep diagonally." "He's big, he's red, he sleeps diagonally in his bed" just doesn't have the same ring about it, does it?
Quotes of the week
"Let's face it, we haven't got to do a great deal to qualify for the latter stages, have we? Trinidad and Tobago sounds like a cigarette company to me but all due respect to them, they will come out and give us a game. Then we have got Paraguay and although I don't know much about them I don't see how they could possibly beat us."
- England World Cup winner George Cohen, evidently not a believer in the theory that there are no easy games any more in international football.
"I told myself a while ago to learn a new word every day. Then I'd tell one of my friends he was 'pettifogging' and see how they would react."
- Manchester City's David James introduces us to a word that means "quibbling over insignificant details". Mind you, if he told Richard Dunne he was "pettifogging" he'd probably get a slap.
Reporter: "Have you ever thought about a career in the media?" Roy Keane: "No, no. I want a proper job."
"After a game we played against Norway . . . some guy asked me for my underwear. I'm used to being asked for my jersey or gloves, but asking for my underwear is just a bit too strange. But hey, everyone's different."
- Chelsea goalkeeper Petr Cech on discovering that all human life is out there.
Manish Bhasin: "There's a story that Ruud van Nistelrooy may sign for Spurs. Do you think that might happen?" Gavin Peacock: "No. He's a top striker."
- As heard on Football Focus by Football 365, and, like ourselves, they're still chuckling.
"I am ashamed to admit in one case excrement was thrown. How low can you get? We did what we could, we tried to brush people down and compensate those involved."
- A Liverpool spokesman confirming that poo was chucked at Manchester United fans at last month's FA Cup game at Anfield.
More quotes of the week
"The Rangers taxi drivers would always be asking me about their team. Where are Rangers going wrong? I say to them that the journey's not long enough to go through it all, it's only half an hour from the airport to Parkhead."
- Roy Keane, making friends in Glasgow.
"I like Fabio Capello a lot, but I don't need a role model. I prefer to focus on myself."
- No kiddin' Jose Mourinho!
"I've been called arrogant, vain and overbearing, they've called me everything . . . jealousy is the weapon of the incompetent and frustrated. It all makes me rewind the cassette of my life and remind me who I was, how I did it, where I got to, what I have achieved for me and my people, how many times I made the good Portuguese smile."
- Jose Mourinho, on another planet.
"During these two weeks during which we played Barcelona I've been able to discover the creepy crawlies who have been hiding and I say to them: 'I am Portuguese, a true Portuguese'."
- Jose? Enough.
"He said he went to the toilet and George Michael was there."
- Watford's Matthew Spring revealing who, of all people, manager Adrian Boothroyd bumped into in the loo at an Elton John party.
"Everyone was different but I wouldn't like to play under him, that's for sure. Tough, really tough. He can catch a player's attention with his eyes. Those eyes, they scare me . . . he can look at you - like when you've given him a bad ball - and you think he's going to rip your head off."
- Which one of his former Manchester United team-mates, who has expressed an interest in going in to management, was Phil Neville talking about last week? Nope, not him - Ryan Giggs.
Just the ticket
Arsenal's Cesc Fabregas will have been chuffed with his Da last week when he told the world: "Cesc still hasn't passed his driving test, but if you ask him he'll say that he has. He's embarrassed at failing his test twice . . . and he has to take it again next week."
If Cesc had been leafing through the Telegraph later in the week, though, he might have spotted a solution to his problem. In an extract from his new biography Gary Sprake, the former Leeds goalkeeper, reveals how he passed his driving test in 1965, a week before playing in the FA Cup final.
"I told him (the tester) that I had put two of my Cup final tickets in the glove box. He never said a word. I followed the route, and he informed me in a matter-of-fact way that I had passed the test. He then opened the glove box, took the tickets, and left." Take note, Cesc. Stick a couple of Arsenal v Juventus tickets in your glove compartment.
Real vigilance pays off
When they were covering Real Madrid's game against Seville Spanish channel Antena 3 spotted an on duty policewoman watching David Beckham as he shaped up to take a corner. "She's giving him a good going over," said the chuckling commentator, who suggested that she was "licking her lips". End of story? Nope. On hearing about the comments the policewoman sued the channel, claiming that her professional image had been "substantially altered". She won her case, although the initial award of £6,300 was reduced to £1,400 on appeal.
