IT IS a major hazard these days for anyone to write about or broadcast on any form of sport. Much of this form of activity is done against what we in the business call "a deadline" and the results can sometimes be hilarious for the reader or listener and embarrassing for the perpetrator of some gaffe or other committed or indulged in under time pressures. Scorn and ridicule is our lot in cases such as that.

Perhaps the most famous "gaffer" of all is television commentator David Coleman who has been at it now for more years than he cares to remember, and whose name has gone into folklore thanks to the Colemanballs column in Private Eye. Yet he was not the author of the original hilarity at all.

When a writer or broadcaster has little or no time to think as he or she describes what is happening it is the easiest thing in the world to resort to the cliche, some ridiculous and irrelevant piece of information or, worse still, over blown prose which may sound or look nice at the time but can be embarrassing when revisited later after the drama of the moment has passed.

These dangers have been ever present and some of the phrases used have survived their authors. Very often such a phrase will be recalled long after the event itself has been forgotten. Thus John D Hickey of the Irish Independent is remembered for a phrase such as: "Would that this had gone on till nightfall," which he used to start his report of a particularly gripping hurling match. Or his description of a great player who "was so Titanic in the middle of the field for Kerry that it appeared he had eschewed the official ball and was playing with one of his own".

For those who like to indulge in these kind of games, a recent book by the musician and broadcaster Fritz Spiegel will give endless fun. Almost inevitably Bill Tidy has drawn some very funny cartoons to go with the text. Spiegl has a quirky sense of humour which allows him to poke fun at media people without being either too clever or too hurtful.

This is borne out by the fact that the television commentator Tony Gubba has written the foreword. He starts this by tells ing of his own horror on hearing himself say while commentating on an Olympic rowing final in Moscow: "There's the Norwegian twins ... both 29".

He goes on to mock himself further by recounting what he, said in a bobsleigh commentary: "If you ignore the Swiss, the Russians and the East Germans only the Italians and the West Germans are keeping Britain out of the top 10".

He also reveals that the very first Colemanballs quote in Private Eye cannot be attributed to David Coleman but to Ron Pickering who it was said: "This is where Juantorena (the Cuban athlete) will open his legs and show his class".

He cannot, sadly, recall who it was who said: "Welcome to, Tel Aviv. A real Mecca for" tourists".

Spiegl puts all of this into context himself when he writes in his introduction that: "We all know of the commentator who said `For those of you watching in, black and white, Norwich are playing in yellow'." He points out that although this sounds quite ridiculous there is a logic in it, nevertheless. The genuine fan will understand perfectly what he says.

The use of loose language is not confined to the denizens of the sports media. Reports of the case now going on in Britain in regard to the bribery of certain players has used the word "fix" widely even though it is mere slang. Spiegl says that: "Preformed, ready made phrases and well worn cliche's are essential tools for impromptu speech".

He warns that when a commentator says that the linesman is flagging it doesn't mean that a substitute must replace him. Nobody should panic he says when a commentator says the referee is about to blow up. If you are told that a player has time to pick his spot it doesn't mean that he has acne. If you are told that a player's "legs have gone" it doesn't mean he will spend the rest of his life in a wheelchair although he may be referred to as "a one footed player".

If the ball is "played into space" it doesn't mean it may land on the moon. If a goalkeeper "keeps a clean sheet" it has nothing to do with his bed linen. A strike does not mean that the players are marching up and down with banners outside the ground. If the ball is killed nobody is charged with murder.

He has an eye for confusing contradictions such as the fact that Liverpool play in Everton while Everton were the original owners of Anfield and that Chelsea play in the borough of Fulham. If you go to the stand you sit down and if you want to stand you go on the terrace. If you go on the terrace it may becalled The Kop after the battle of Spion Kop in the Boer War in South Africa.

The use of other phrases reminiscent of war are commonplace in many sports, he points out. He probably had Heffo's Army in mind when he wrote that! "Reds Storm the Bridge" has been used as a headline in a match between Liverpool and Chelsea. Players are "called up for duty" and may later "get their marching orders". Some teams may, "have a mountain to climb" before "marching away with the spoils" having been inspired by a "midfield general".

The touchline is "the flank", teams often have "victory in their sights" or may be "locked in mortal combat". He says that Wimbledon is the kind of team which "takes no prisoners". The phrase: "a battle against the ould enemy" is frequently used when teams like Scotland or Ireland take on England. The book contains a glossary of phrases presented in the manner of Myles na Gopaleen: How did the match start? At a cracking pace. How did the player lose the ball? He was bundled off it. How? Unceremoniously. Where did he finish up? On the floor. How did he leave the field? He was stretchered off and was hospitalised.

The fun goes on an on and can be dipped into at regular intervals whenever you are short of a smile.

A Game of Two Halves, Brian by Fritz Spiegl. Harper Collins. £4.99.