ALL IN THE GAME:A soccer miscellany

TENSIONS were a touch high in Manchester last week in the build-up to Saturday’s derby. First, former United defender David May (Remember? The fella who managed to get in every photo taken on the Nou Camp pitch after the 1999 Champions League final, despite not actually playing in the game?) had a charity evening he had arranged cancelled for fear of trouble between rivals supporters. Why? Because he billed the evening as . . . a celebration of City’s 35 years without a trophy.

“It was just a bit of banter,” insisted May, which, coincidentally, was probably the gist of Ged Coyne’s defence after the Manchester City groundsman was told to shut down his Facebook account following complaints about the language he had directed towards his beloved neighbours.

Alas, we can’t repeat too much of what Ged had to say on the site, but here’s a flavour: “Alex purple-head Ferguscum” and “The Theatre of Complete Tosspots”.

Is this definition of sick joke?: Sparta's friendly turns nasty

IT'S hardly unheard of, it has to be said, for clubs to naughtily withdraw their players from international squads citing, well, madey-up reasons. Sparta Prague, though, insisted that three of their players were genuinely ill or injured when they withdrew them from the Czech Republic under-21 and senior Croatian squads last week. No worries, get well soon lads.

Except – and it's a big except – the three then turned out for the club in a friendly against Zenit St Petersburg in Spain, in what was a warm-up for Sparta's Europa League game against Liverpool.

How did this news come to light? Well, Zenit posted photos from the match on their website, and there were the three players, looking hale and hearty – curiously, though, all three had different names on the back of their shirts. A 'Pavel Kaderabek' was credited by Sparta for scoring both their two goals in the game, the fella proving to be a dead ringer for injured Czech under-21 Vaclav Kadlec. Well, yep, it actually was the same fella.

"I didn't realise at the moment what consequences my decision could have," said coach Josef Chovanec of his selection, after hearing the club now faces disciplinary action by the Czech Federation. The hearing takes place next week. Hopefully the Sparta officials won't ring in sick.

HARD TO SWALLOW

YOU'D imagine most referees have been threatened with having their whistles shoved down their throats after making contentious decisions, but we'd never heard of anyone attempting to carry out the threat.

Until last week. Yes, after being sent off in an amateur game in Italy, Andrea Biondi, of Albereta in Florence, grabbed the referee's head and tried to push his whistle back in to his mouth.

Lovely.

Biondi has 20 months to reflect on his behaviour – that's the length of his ban.

Gunners' great stoppers wouldn't be caught dead in one: And Szczeny's not happy either

"It's embarrassing. I mean, you just wouldn't see David Seaman or Jens Lehmann wearing a pink shirt, would you? I think Lehmann would have burned it."

– He might look pretty in his pink jersey, but Arsenal goalkeeper Wojciech Szczesny isn't happy about it.

"I read that these teams are interested in me and the news stunned me. The teams mentioned are the ones I play for every day on the Playstation."

– Borussia Dortmund's Mario Goetze almost dropping his joystick in shock on learning that Manchester United, Chelsea and Juventus like the look of him.

"They murdered us. From one to 11 they were better than us, stronger than us and quicker than us. We were completely spanked."

– Mick 'no excuses' McCarthy after his Wolves' side lost to Arsenal.

"They're a great club, good luck to them. It ain't gonna work, but good luck to them."

– Alan Sugar sort of congratulates West Ham after they beat Spurs in the bid to make the Olympic Stadium their new home.

"The biggest regret I have is when I said to Bologna player Poli: 'I'll have you shot.' It was a phrase said in the heat of the moment, but I really shouldn't have done it."

– Toto Schillaci, bedevilled by allegations of Mafia connections all his career, regrets not just leaving a horse's head under Fabio Poli's pillow.

"We'd like some players who – in the 89th minute – don't lose the ball 20 yards outside the box which leads to us conceding a goal.

He's an extremely inexperienced but not very bright footballer. He can go back to Wigan or wherever he came from – I'm not really bothered."

– Derby manager Nigel Clough half rules out offering loan striker Tomasz Cywka a permanent deal.

MY, MY, MY

SPARE a thought for John Carew. The Norwegian striker, on loan at Stoke City from Aston Villa, went through the agony of having a tattoo put on his neck. The inscription, in French, was to read "My Life My Rules".

Alas, according to Swedish paper Aftonbladet, a French professor at the University of Oslo notes that a stray accent over the Regles means his neck reads: "My Life My Menstruation".

"It's embarrassing," said Christine Meklenborg. Too right.

Help wanted: Hammer time

Ad of the week?

Take a bow, David Sullivan, part owner of West Ham. As featured in The Ladymagazine: "Couple required, £750/£775 per week + long-term bonus plus two-bedroomed self-contained flat, plus sole use of own car.

"I like my house to be run like and look like a five-star hotel – but in an informal way."

Getting shirty: Trezeguet bargain proves costly

DAVID TREZEGUET didn't actually make an appearance for France in the 1998 World Cup final. The striker was left on the bench for the victory over Brazil, but that didn't stop Olivier Demolis from paying a Brazilian collector on eBay €3,350 for his shirt. He also handed over two jerseys from his own collection, bringing the total cost of the deal to €7,300.

"It was a well-known seller and the jersey was official. It was the last piece in my collection. I was prepared to pay so much because those French jerseys from '98 are very hard to come across," he said.

"There are only six in circulation: a Zidane, a Trezeguet, a Desailly, a Boghossian and two Guivarc'hs." (That's the same Stephane Guivarc'h who, after playing just four games for Newcastle, topped a poll for the "worst striker ever to play in the Premier League". He memorably dismissed the result as the poll appeared in the Daily Mail, "a truly crap newspaper").

Anyway, Demolis was well chuffed with his purchase, and was very excited when he "got a call telling me that the package had arrived and was being held at customs – "I told them I'd swing by in the afternoon to pick it up".

But? Well, customs officials spotted stitching on the shirt that looked suspiciously, well, unofficial, so they destroyed it.

"I was furious," said Demolis, who has written to Trezeguet himself and president Nicolas Sarkozy to complain about the incident. Quite what he wants them to do about it, he didn't say.

What's in a name?: Marques of respect

AFTER his team's World Cup heroics in 1990 Jack Charlton was awarded the freedom of Dublin, which allowed him roam around the city with his flock of sheep.

Vicente Del Bosque, though, has had to settle for a more modest reward after winning the World Cup with Spain.

"In recognition of his dedication to Spanish sport" King Juan Carlos has renamed the manager, Ilustrisimo Senor Don Vicente del Bosque y Gonzalez, Marques de Del Bosque.

"Eh, can I just call you gaffer," asked Xavi.