Mary Hannigan's Planet Football: Had you the misfortune to see Roma's Francesco Totti's goal celebration in last week's derby against Lazio? In case you missed it: he stuck the ball up his jersey, ran to the sideline, lay on his back, got team-mate Daniele De Rossi to fiddle between his legs and then got Sami Kuffour to scoop out the ball and show it off to the stadium.
Yes, this was Totti's, eh, tribute to his pregnant wife. "It was an immense joy. I've done my bit, now it's down to my wife," he said, after the effects of his epidural wore off. We liked the response of Italian newspaper Repubblica: "Miming delivery is certainly a departure from the rock-a-bye-baby celebration we usually get - still, at least he didn't re-enact the conception." Indeed.
FA to tackle homophobia
News in yesterday's Observer that the English FA is planning on clamping down on homophobic chanting at games could mean Brighton fans will finally get to hear a few new tunes from opposing supporters.
Until now, simply because Brighton is a city with a large gay population, they've been subjected to "does your boyfriend know you're here?" and "we can see you, we can see you, we can see you holding hands."
Morientes' avian antics
We hope Chris Bascombe's spirits were raised by Liverpool's win over West Ham on Saturday. Judging by his report in the Liverpool Daily Post on the recent defeat by Fulham, he was beginning to lose faith. Noting "the Reds carried more passengers than the London Underground", he then gave his verdict on Fernando (five goals in 27 appearances) Morientes: "Morientes is a bit like bird flu. He's been lethal in other countries and we keep getting told it's only a matter of time before he makes his mark here, but there's no sign of it yet."
Quotes of the week
"I was in London last week to work for Sky Sports on the Champions League matches and a guy at the airport said I should go for the Ireland job. I said to him: "Do I look Irish to you?"
- Ruud Gullit, seemingly ruling himself out of the running for the Irish job.
"Ideally we'd want an Irishman coming in for the job, but, ideally, it doesn't really matter."
- Clinton Morrison, seemingly ruling Ruud Gullit out of the running for the Irish job. Ideally.
"I've had a major operation. I broke my neck and haven't looked back since."
- Well, you wouldn't, would you? Paul Gascoigne, as spotted by Hugh.
"I don't know why he was sent off. Maybe it's because he's a blond, pretty boy. I doubt he said anything because Beckham doesn't even speak Spanish that well and I can barely understand him on the pitch."
- Real Madrid's Pablo Garcia trying to put his finger on why Beckham was sent off against Valencia.
"Now Thierry's Va Va Womb."
- The headline in the Sun on a story about Henry having his baby daughter's umbilical cord frozen.
Blues hit Elvis
It would seem Elvis Hammond, the Leicester player, is a bit touchy about his name. Elvis, that is, not Hammond. "Elvis, give us a song, Elvis, Elvis give us a song," is regularly sung at him by supporters but, it seems, he's tired of it all.
"Loads of people are called Michael," he complained, "but they're not associated with Michael Jackson, are they?" Err, true.
Betis unhappy
Real Betis weren't entirely satisfied with the performance of referee Antonio Rubinos Perez in last week's 3-2 defeat by Villarreal, in which he disallowed a seemingly good Betis goal and let Villarreal retake a penalty that had been saved. And, for good measure, he sent off two Betis players for abusive language - the second, Juan Andreu Melli, for "s**tting on my dead ones", as he put it in his report.
"He was arrogant, incompetent and shameless," said Betis vice-president Angel Martin, before adding, somewhat enigmatically: "he who doesn't cry, doesn't suck". So, were Betis entitled to feel so aggrieved? Well, according to the Guardian the ref produced "the worst display of decision-making since JFK said: "Sod it, let's take the hood down." Good grief.
More quotes of the week
"This Chelsea is better and more solid than the best-ever Real Madrid team. At this moment, Mourinho could put out two teams with the perfect guarantee of not losing."
- Claude Makelele, just before Chelsea lost to Charlton in the League Cup.
"When you are out of a cup, no matter what is said, you lose. You can say you didn't actually lose but you are out and the train goes on without you."
- Arsene Wenger tries to convince Jose Mourinho that Chelsea did actually lose to Charlton.
"You know why they took the second penalty like that? They have so many penalties in a season they had to do something different."
- Mourinho's view of that Robert Pires/Thierry Henry penalty.
"A coach has to know he is always under pressure, otherwise he should become a train driver".
- VfB Stuttgart coach Giovanni Trapattoni - a comment that led to a demand for an apology from the German rail union Transnet.
"Our football pitch at our stadium is treacherous, especially for leggy people. At times Jean-Alain looks as if he is playing on ice. He's extremely athletic, has long legs and it seems he's slipping over for the fun of it."
- Graeme Souness explaining why £8.5 million French defender Jean-Alain Boumsong is still struggling to find his feet at Newcastle.
Car misunderstands Fergie
Manchester United were quick to deny scurrilous rumours last week about Alex Ferguson's car not being able to make head nor tail of his Glaswegian accent, telling the Manchester Evening News it was not true that he had to return his £80,000 Audi because the car's voice-recognition thingie - which allows you to control several of the car's functions by simply talking to it - couldn't understand him.
The club insisted Ferguson "has not had a problem with the car's computer" but the paper then quoted an Audi spokesman admitting "the system is designed to comprehend a wide range of voices but, like any voice-recognition device, it may struggle with strong regional accents".
We'd guess, then, that when Ferguson shouted "roll doon windae" the car went in to reverse. A bit like his team really.
