TV View: Mary Hannigan watches Sky  turn Keane's return into a date with Honour, Destiny and Love

Seven o'clock and Sky Sports' titles rolled. An inconsequential end-of-season friendly between an understrength and jaded Ireland and an understrength and knackered Romania. Hard, then, to make much ado about nothing much.

Huh? Fasten your seatbelts, lads.

"Roy! For Honour!" "Roy! For Love!" "Roy! For Destiny!" Cripes. The titles, accompanied by a rousingly portentous bumpety-bumpety-bump soundtrack, were based on the Brad Pitt "epic" Troy, now Roy, geddit? althugh in truth the sentiments would be more at home on the tattoos on Robbie Williams' upper arms.

When we got to the studio Paul Dempsey was foaming at the mouth.

"He's back," he panted, "he led us to glory, then he split the country in half. You felt he must return, but is this to be an epic comeback?" Granted, Royston Brady had disappeared from the public view for a whole half-an-afternoon, but you had to conclude that Paul was being a touch over-dramatic.

Surely he should have been concentrating on Roy Keane's return? In fairness, that's precisely what he then did. To the point where some of Roy's team-mates must have felt positively neglected.

"Yoo hoo," said Shay Given, Steve Finnan, Andy O'Brien, Kenny Cunningham, Alan Maybury, Liam Miller, Matt Holland, Andy Reid, Clinton Morrison and Robbie Keane, "we're playing too", but Sky Sports weren't listening. Nor, to be perfectly blunt, were we. After all, "grumpy old uncle is back," as Dempsey put it.

"Two years and 11 days since he was sent home Roy's return comes live on Sky Sports," said Dempsey, who by now nigh on needed to be sedated, so rapturous was he at the prospect of Mayfield's finest trodding the auld Lansdowne turf once more. And what a truly divine sight it was.

(The sedation came in the form of a threat that Ireland v Romania would be followed by highlights of Estonia v Scotland. And that Sky would soon be showing Iceland v Japan. Paul's eyes said "sorry"; his mouth said: "weeeeeeey heeeeeeey".)

Any way. Paul tried to maintain the Roy frenzy by asking studio guest Frank Stapleton if he saw "this day coming all along".

Frank, clearly, was meant to say: "Yes, I knew the Messiah would descend upon us some day soon and light our path to the next World Cup finals".

But.

"No," said Frank, "I didn't." And then he suggested Roy was "not the same player" he once was. Paul could barely conceal his disappointment at Frank's frankness.

Time for Brian Swanson's pre-match interview with Brian Kerr.

"He's back, how pleasing was it to put Roy Keane's name on the team-sheet?" he asked.

"The game isn't about Roy. He's just one player in there. It's about the team tonight," said our Brian.

Swanson was having none of it. "That said, what extra dimension can Roy bring to the game tonight?"

Kerr tried to talk about Miller and Reid, so Brian handed back to the studio, where Paul handed over to Rob Hawthorne and Kevin Moran in the commentary box, where they talked about Roy. And not much else.

Out came Roy. And out came Royston Brady. A big handshake ensued between the pair. And another. And another. To the point where Roy's eyes said "one more handshake and you go the way of Alfie Haaland, ya langer". Royston retreated, but not before beaming at the camera. With that he lost half a quota. Ireland is, after all, still split on our boy Roy.

As evidenced by the booing/cheering. "One or two little grumbles, but in the main it's cheery," said Hawthorne after Roy's first touch. Soon after: "**** off you ****ing ****ing ****ing bastard", an audible voice from the crowd suggested. Alcohol, eh? By then we'd had the opportunity to study every rippling muscle in Roy's nose as Sky's camera rested its leery glare on him during the national anthem. It cut off twice to show two non-Keane images - (1) Brian Kerr (looking out the corner of his eye to see how Keano was doing) and (2) a flag in the crowd (that read: 'There's Only One Keano').

"He almost looked quite emotional there," said Moran, upon noting that Roy's nostrils appeared to tighten. Almost.

Time, then, for Hawthorne to analyse the Irish line-up and forget all this Keano business. "Seven eye witnesses to those devastating events in Saipan. Maybury never played with Keane .Miller will be a colleague of Keane next season". And? Reid once passed a motorway petrol station that Keane passed four months before, so they're almost intimate.

Roy-watch time for the Sky cameras.

15th minute: scratched right nostril.

29th minute: blinked.

47th minute: pulled up left sock.

68th minute: itched left buttock.

85th minute: raised arms in celebratory fashion (Rob Hawthorne: "Matt Holland steals the limelight on Roy Keane's return to the international fold").

90th minute: waved to crowd.

And with that Roy disappeared down the tunnel. Grand to have you back, for, eh, Honour, Love and Destiny.