TV VIEW: We coulda been contenders in Manchester, when you think about it. If history had taken another route we could have been sandwiched between India and the Isle of Man in Thursday's parade of athletes at the Commonwealth Games opening ceremony, writes Mary Hannigan
And High Commissioner for Sport John O'Donoghue could have been mingling in the VIP stand with his counterparts from the Turks and Caicos and St Vincent and the Grenadines.
As it was, the only Irish folk in the parade appeared just after Niue and the Norfolk Islands, leaving one asking: where on earth, specifically, is Niue? The BBC's Barry Davies, of course, knew his Niue: it's in the South Pacific, has a smaller population than Kinnegad, gets its name from the Niuean word for coconut tree (Niue, not Kinnegad) and its national sporting hero is softball king Michael Niu. Thanks, Barry.
The parade, around the stadium that will be Manchester City's new home (that running track can be used by City for their laps of honour next season - stop it!), concluded with the arrival of hosts England, but before then 71 nations had made an appearance.
One couldn't but be struck by three thoughts: (1) our neighbours didn't half put themselves about in bygone days, in an all-conquering and all-pillaging kind of way; (2) aren't the other 70 very forgiving to still want to hop, skip, jump and synchronise swim with their erstwhile subjugators?; (3) when Oliver Cromwell, Cecil Rhodes, Captain Cook and the rest set off on their travels all those years ago, did they ever envisage that, in 2002, their efforts would be celebrated on an overcast July evening in the north-west of England by pop combo S Club singing Don't Stop Movin' - advice Captain Cook certainly took to heart.
S Club, as you won't admit to knowing, were once called S Club 7 but, like the Empire, their membership has shrivelled and they're not half the force they used to be. Having already witnessed Sir Steve Redgrave open the ceremony by participating in a drumming war with five women beating the living daylights out of huge upside-down mineral water containers (you had to be there), Barry then had to endure rappers Bishop and Trigger, and, soon after, S Club, and you just knew by his tone he wasn't feeling comfy.
Barry told us the opening ceremony people had promised "pomp without pomposity", which he evidently viewed as a threat. Our Barry, you see, is a man who likes nothing more than adding a dollop of osity to your average helping of pomp. But, just when he'd given up on seeing any osity, along came the Grenadier Guards. This, his trembling commentary intimated, was more like it.
After the Guards had done their one-two-three-four thing, three taxis, laden with dignitaries, arrived trackside. We know they weren't hackneys because they were allowed to use the bus lane of the running track.
Edward, the Earl of Wessex, got out of the third taxi and, we noted, didn't pay. Then the Red Arrows flew by and Barry's voice quivered and his nostrils emoted, before the parade of athletes kicked off. New Zealand paused in front of the Royal Box and treated the Queen and 'im indoors to the Haka. "Ooooooh, they're applauded by Her Majesty," gushed Davies, before noting the "lovely wave from the High Commissioner", when South Africa marched by.
One doesn't mean to disparage, but, at this point, if one had been presented with a sick bag one may well have put it to the use for which it was intended. Which is what Nike's promotional department may well have done, too, when they saw Donovan Bailey pass the baton to David Beckham, in the finale of the opening ceremony. The large sparkly golden letters on Beckham's tracksuit top hinted he may well have a contract with the company founded by Adolph Dassler. Doivid? Did no one tell you, they're calling this the "logo free" games?
And how did the games go after that? Can't help, too busy watching Kerry v Kildare and Michael Schumacher v Formula One. "Kildare are a bit like a bunch of flies coming at you, they're coming from all angles," Pat Spillane said of Micko Dwyer's boys before the game. After they'd been caught in Kerry's fly-trap? "Jesus, I hope to God he doesn't stay for another year because I don't think he deserves that punishment - they're on a downhill, slippery slope," Spillo said of O'Dwyer's Kildare future.
And a downhill, slippery slope is, roughly, where Schumacher's rivals have found themselves for much of this season. Just before yesterday's German Grand Prix got under way - which, need we tell you, Michael won - we noted the ad on ITV for a cure for diarrhoea. Without it, you might say, like Schumacher's winning exploits, this one will run and run. And run. Ain't no stoppin' it.
