CRICKET:  If losing the Ashes was not bad enough, yesterday England also lost the plot. Their confidential plans about how to bowl out Australia were gleefully read out on ABC radio. It does not get much more embarrassing than that.

England responded by formally protesting to the International Cricket Council and Cricket Australia about inadequate security arrangements. Around the time that their theories were pilfered, Matthew Hayden and Andrew Symonds were amassing the sixth-largest sixth-wicket stand in Test history.

If you happened to believe during Hayden's and Symonds's 279-run stand that England had no plan at all, think again. The intention was to attack Hayden's ego, restricting his opportunities until his patience cracked. But that theory dates back to the last Ashes series and his ego is now under control.

As for Symonds, he officially lacks foot movement early in his innings. He did, too, spending 32 balls before lunch in scoring four runs. He just bludgeoned the ball to all parts thereafter.

As one England old-timer put it, tapping his forehead: "I used to keep my plans up here. They couldn't steal those."

But Mark Garaway, the England team analyst, prefers laminated, colour-coded A4 sheets, and it was one of seven copies that somehow found its way to the floor of the Melbourne Cricket Club members' bar before being announced to all and sundry.

Andrew Walpole, England's media relations officer, said: "There are seven copies of the team bowling plan which are pinned up in the dressing-room during a Test. We don't know whether the document was taken from the dressing-room or another part of the ground."

Matthew Hoggard put this act of crickeing larceny into a lighter perspective. "You plan for a reason," the bowler said. "These are tried and tested plans and they work. It is very disappointing that you have a document that is private and personal in the changing room and somebody has leaked it.

"We are continuing our investigations and when we find the culprit we will string him up by his ding-dang-dos and we're chopping them off. The investigations will involve Inspector Morse and Miss Marple.

"Then also we need to take three quick wickets and bat for a long time. To a large extent the Australian batsmen know what we are trying to achieve and it is up to us to fulfil that plan. I just close my eyes and wang it down; there is not too much planning involved in that."

Should England retaliate by stealing Australia's plans, he was asked. "It wouldn't help us," he said.

England have three full-time security employees here, the head being Reg Dickason, security officer for Australia at the Champions Trophy in September. At the start of the series one Australian newspaper jokingly dubbed him "the double agent". Dickason will no longer regard that as a laughing matter.

England's assessment of Ricky Ponting - "pulls in front of square in air" - came good yesterday as Andrew Flintoff caused him to loft to midwicket. Hoggard also followed advice by bowling Michael Hussey through the gate.

But England's plotting possessed a fatal weakness. Four of the first six Australian batsmen were held to be susceptible to lbw, but during the stand between Hayden and Symonds Rudi Koertzen turned down four good appeals. The next copy to be stolen should be taken to the umpires' room without delay.

The morning had belonged to England as they purloined three more wickets to go with the couple from the first evening to leave Australia floundering at 84 for five. Given more charitable umpires than this pair of curmudgeons, it could have been even better.

Instead, until Sajid Mahmood removed Hayden and - merciful relief - Adam Gilchrist, for spit, with the second new ball late in the day, that was as good as it got. Job done, you might say.

As Hayden filled his boots and Symonds completed his maiden century that was at times measured and at others manic, Australia had England on the ropes. There was a century for Hayden, his 27th in Tests, an innings of 153 spread over seven hours that had begun as an exercise in discipline but gradually morphed into the Hayden we knew before he entered a midlife crisis a couple of years ago, full of clumping stand-up clean hits and imposing, chisel-jawed arrogance.

Together the pair removed any semblance of hope England may have nurtured about upsetting applecarts.

Where is Darrell Hair when he is needed?

Guardian Service