Cricket: There was a strong rumour doing the rounds yesterday that Mission Impossible IV was in the offing and that Allan Donald was to be cast in the Tom Cruise role.
"Your task, Allan," the recording in his locker would say, "is to get Steve Harmison and Liam Plunkett to send down consecutive deliveries to the same post code. This tape will self-destruct in five seconds." That is, of course, if the bowlers themselves do not get there first by disappearing up their own follow-throughs.
This Test is Donald's first in his capacity as England's pace bowling guru and he must wonder if there is something less challenging he might have done, like making poverty history or curing the common cold.
Harmison and Plunkett were not just awful yesterday, on a pitch that ought to have had them salivating, they were beyond the pale, parishes away from what ought to be the minimum bottom line for an international bowler. There were times, as the extras count climbed ever higher, when the safest place to escape harm from the red missile being propelled at close to 90mph appeared to be in front of the stumps at the other end. Spare a thought for Matthew Prior, the wicketkeeper forced to put himself almost into traction in the cause.
Somehow - and despite rather than because of the efforts of the pace duo - England finished the second day with their noses well in front, with West Indies all out for 229 in response to their 370 all out, with Ian Bell making 97. The tourists' last six wickets fell to Ryan Sidebottom and Monty Panesar for just 13 runs in 44 balls.
Shivnarine Chanderpaul, who missed the last match because of injury, managed a cultured half-century but, running out of partners, perished himself in the slide of wickets.
Harmison, operating apparently on the same principle that insists that a monkey, given a typewriter and infinite time, will eventually produce a Booker prize-winner, managed a couple of wickets.
However, the first, that of Daren Ganga, came during an excruciating first over that, because of a flouting of the laws of the game, ought not actually to have been bowled in the first place. Chris Gayle, surprisingly re-acquainted with the ball after some time spent apart, chipped to backward point to give Plunkett a single wicket.
But it won't do to dignify these by classifying them as successes rather than batting mishaps.
Instead, there was reward later for Sidebottom who once again exhibited simple skills, well executed, at a pace on the lively side of fast medium to finish with three for 48, and Monty Panesar, who having explored both ends, began to find some of the spin and bounce that brought him eight wickets here last year and four for 50 yesterday. Guardian Service
Scoreboard
West Indies First Innings
C Gayle c Cook b Plunkett 23
D Ganga lbw b Harmison 5
D Smith c Bell b Panesar 40
R Morton c Strauss b Harmison 35
S Chanderpaul c Pietersen b Sidebottom 50
D Bravo c Prior b Sidebottom 24
D Ramdin c Pietersen b Sidebottom 5
D Sammy c Collingwood b Panesar 1
J Taylor c Strauss b Panesar 0
C Collymore c Collingwood b Panesar 4
F Edwards not out 0
Extras(b20 lb10 w9 nb3) 42
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Total(52.4 overs) ... 229
Fall of wickets: 1-17, 2-49, 3-116, 4-157, 5-216, 6-224, 7-225, 8-225, 9-225.
Bowling: Sidebottom 12-3-48-3 S J Harmison 11-2-53-2 Plunkett 12-0-43-1 Panesar 16.4-5-50-4 Collingwood 1-0-5-0.
England Second Innings
A Strauss lbw b Edwards 0
A Cook not out 12
M Vaughan not out 10
Extras(b1 nb6 pens 5) 12
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Total(1 wkt, 6 overs) ... 34
Fall of wicket: 1-1.
To Bat: K Pietersen, P Collingwood, I Bell, M Prior, L Plunkett, S Harmison, R Sidebottom, M Panesar.
Bowling: Edwards 3-0-16-1 Taylor 2-0-12-0 Collymore 1-1-0-0.
