ON THE COUCH:Saturday's dramatic quarter-finals leave the chastened pundits marvelling at the action

GERMANY’S FIRST, Germany’s second, Germany’s third, Germany’s fourth, Cardozo’s saved penalty, Alonso’s converted penalty, Alonso’s saved retaken penalty, Pedro hitting the left post, Villa’s rebound hitting the right post, then the left post, then going in. Other than that it was a quiet enough Saturday.

“I’m exhausted,” said Bill O’Herlihy, nigh on in a heap on his desk. We’d have nodded in agreement only we were in a heap ourselves on the living room floor, where, incidentally, we spotted a newspaper, the headline declaring this to be a very dull World Cup.

For those of us who had a sneaky feeling that Ghana and Paraguay would provide the quarter-final upsets and that Brazil and Argentina would cruise through, it was all a bit chastening, but we weren’t alone.

“I must be honest, I tipped Germany to do nothing,” admitted John Giles, which left him trailing ourselves in the expertise stakes. We, after all, had tipped them to do something: finish behind Ghana and Serbia in their group.

But Gary Lineker wasn’t too convinced that they could finish ahead of Argentina on Saturday, not least because their main striker, Miroslav Klose, “scored as many goals last season as Emile Heskey”. Alan Shearer gasped, Alan Hansen winced, the latter tipping Argentina because they had forwards who scored more goals last season than Emile has had abusive headlines since he returned from South Africa. Dozens, like.

There was nothing between the teams, though, for a whole three minutes, at which point Thomas Mueller prized open the lock on the floodgates.

“Have you heard about the octopus who has accurately forecast all Germany’s results,” asked Steve Wilson. “I have, I’m afraid,” Mark Lawrenson replied. “Anyone following his tips would be squids in by now,” said Steve.

The stony silence in the BBC commentary box only made the vuvuzelas seem several hundred decibels louder.

By half-time an impressed Gilesie was tipping Germany to do a whole lot more than nothing after the break, reckoning that if they got a second “Argentina will collapse”. Indeed, they got a second. And a third. And, as Ray Houghton said of the fourth, “bumph, gone, finished, game over”.

“Eins, zwei, drei, they have struck vier in to every other World Cup rival – the Germans go marching on,” said Gary, while Hansen praised the victor’s “efficiency”. All we needed was Shear-rah to suggest the Argies had been steamrolled by the German Panzers and we’d have been laughin’.

Some folk are never happy, though. Like the German fan ambushed by a Eurosport microphone when he was leaving the stadium in Cape Town. “Vee should have made it five to send Maradona creeping and vining, having lots of tears in his face,” he said, a touch less than graciously. He brought a smile to our (German) host’s face, though, Gernot Bauer sporting the look of a cat trapped in a creamery.

Gernot’s Dutch guests, Aron Winter and Patrick Kluivert , congratulated him, so he felt obliged to return the compliment.

“Against Brazil the Dutch team was wery efficient,” he said, a quite tremendous touché, you have to say.

Spain v Paraguay would, surely, by comparison, be a tedious affair? Well, it was really, until the match clock struck 56.45. Penalty. Paraguay. And then 58.49. Penalty. Spain. There was enough electricity in those two minutes and four seconds to power Tokyo and its surrounding suburbs. Unendurably marvellous.

Spain through, then, although Eamon Dunphy had some concerns about their back four. “They’re not doing things a team in the Leinster Senior League would do, and that’s no disrespect to the Leinster Senior League,” he said, fearing Rasher and Anto would sue for being compared to Pique and Puyol.

Then there was an argument with Liam Brady about encroachment during penalty kicks.

Eamon: “How many people were at the Gunfight at the OK Corral – just the two guys, right?”

Bill: “About six.”

Liam: “The Earp brothers - that’s four.”

Poorly researched analysis. Type “How, many, Earp, brothers, at, Gunfight, OK, Corral”, click and you only get Virgil, Wyatt and Morgan, suspect defending by all three resulting in them being shot, but, like Pique and Puyol, all three living to tell the tale.

Back on Eurosport former Dutch sharpshooter Patrick was coming over all Dunphy-esque, expressing doubts about the Spanish defence, although, fair play, he resisted slandering the Leinster Senior League. “The way Spain today played and the way Germany today played I think Germany will better them absolutely,” he told Gernot, before adding a little warning: “I told you before, Villa has a lot of goal in his feet.”

“Wery much like you,” beamed Gernot. Patrick shifted uncomfortably at the adulation. “Yes, as a striker he was a little bit complete,” said Aron. “Absolutely,” said Gernot.

On we go, pick yourself up off the floor, Uruguay, the Netherlands, Spain and Germany are set for the mother of all shoot-em-ups.