Mary Hannigan's Planet Football: 2005 Review Part 1:
Bronze: "We'll be in the last 16, don't worry about that" - Alex Ferguson . . . just before United failed to make the last 16 of the Champions League.
Silver: "They thought we were just country bumpkins with our berets and a baguette in the pocket . . . England have won the Olympics but Chelsea will not get Michael Essien" - Lyon president Jean-Michel Aulas . . . not all that long before Essien joined Chelsea.
Gold: "If the Liverpool team was a dog, you'd shoot it at this stage"
- From the Guardian website's live coverage of the Champions League final when Liverpool went 3-0 down.
Just out of the medals: "I don't know what it's like to lose a semi-final. One day I will, but not this time" - Jose Mourinho previewing Chelsea's Champions League semi-final against Liverpool, which they lost.
Metaphor-mangling
Bronze: "Hopefully we can bring some silverware to the club and, if we do, then that will be a nice little rainbow at the end of a dark tunnel for us." - Newcastle assistant manager Terry McDermott.
Silver: "He has taken to English football like a duck out of water" - Denis Irwin on Gabriel Heinze.
Gold: "One bad apple in the dressingroom and everything can go pear-shaped." - ESPN commentator Paul Masefield.
Just out of the medals: "A few bad results and they are staring down the barrel of the sack" - Andy Townsend
"You cut yourself to fit the cloth" - John Toshack
"They have now got the grit between their teeth" - Kevin Gallagher.
"He just pulled the rugs out from under the players' carpets." - Andy Walker.
Top tabloid tales
Bronze: Fashion stylist Gemma felt conned and cheated by Newcastle's Jermaine Jenas after she met him in an Essex nightclub - he told her he was a builder. "I started making plans for the future, thinking of all the jobs he could do round my flat," she said, adding he had "all the subtlety of a hod carrier after getting her plastered". And that he kept his socks on for the duration of their fling.
Silver: Topless model Helena had a brief fling with Bolton's El-Hadji Diouf but their relationship was somewhat hampered by the language barrier and, indeed, the fact they needed to use an interpreter. "While he was driving he kept saying random English phrases like 'I love my mum', it was very strange," said Helena. Alas, the relationship didn't last, with Helena admitting "I only slept with El-Hadji to get back at Dwight Yorke after he cheated on me with David Beckham's sister Joanne". As we couldn't help but conclude at the time: it brought a whole new meaning to the term "football transfer system".
Gold: Page-three model Lauren Pope got chatting to Peter Crouch in a nightclub but upset another woman who believed she had got in there first. When Lauren and her pal Penny left the club they were confronted by the other woman and her mate, and all hell broke loose. "I was talking to him, you ****ing b***h," was the gist of the chat, before "Miss Pope was knocked off her stilettos and ended up flat on her back". Amid all the "scratching, swearing and flailing fists" one witness noted: "there were hair extensions all over the road".
Losing count
Bronze: Matt Cooper: "Is there any chance that Charlton could beat Chelsea?" Tony Cascarino: "In a word, I don't think so."
Silver: "Northern Ireland are about 10 minutes away from a famous win. There's 15 minutes to go" - John Motson.
Gold: "I've heard the rumours, Liverpool need a striker, but although two and two might look like four, it could also be three or five" - Kevin Keegan.
Just out of the medals: Mark Pougatch: "In a word, are Arsenal still in the title race?". Alan Hansen: "Very much so."
Indeed
Bronze: "The only way I can spend is to buy" - Kevin Keegan.
Silver: "If Villa were to get another now it would change the scoreline completely" - Tony Cottee.
Gold: "You want to be on the winning side - and if you are, you're the winner" - Graham Taylor.
Just out of the medals: "We have lost three games so far this season 1-0, whereas last year we were winning them 1-0. Maybe that is the difference" - David Moyes.
"The only bad thing about our situation is the situation itself" - Nottingham Forest manager Gary Megson.
"I played for 30 minutes without the ball. That makes it difficult for me to cross or to shoot" - Laurent Robert.
Gee, thanks!
Bronze: "A lot of people phoned to wish me a speedy recovery and I thank them all. I have spoken to Cantona, Thuram, Henry, Vieira. Even some people who I don't know and who I have not heard of before, people like Dion Dublin" - Djibril Cisse.
Silver: "I sent around a text message saying 'this is Gary Neville's new mobile number'. A few minutes later, my phone beeped with a reply saying: 'so what?' That was Roy's (Keane) sense of humour." - Gary Neville.
Gold: "When you see Damien coming out of the shower you'd never believe he's a professional footballer" - Didier Drogba.
Just out of the medals: "Rio (Ferdinand) has not been that bad, but neither was he ever that good before" - William Gallas.
"In England my team-mates at Chelsea say to me that my football is better suited to Spain" - Ricardo Carvalho.
"We've a basic bunch of lads here" - David O'Leary on his Aston Villa squad.
"I've got players here I can't give away" - Harry Redknapp on his Southampton squad.
You what?
Bronze: "Novo did well to get his body between himself and the ball" - Radio Scotland's Jim Duffy.
Silver: "In this day and age you don't see too many footballers with two feet" - BBC Radio's Peter Allen.
Gold: "Aston Villa seem to beat the teams halfway down but struggle against the teams halfway up" - Mark Lawrenson.
Just out of the medals: "This is the worst start Chelsea could've hoped for . . . but it could've been worse" - Trevor Francis.
"He's making all kinds of hand signals, but no one can hear him" - BBC Radio 5's John Murray.
"There are big and there are big games - this is the latter" - A BBC Radio Bristol reporter.
Behind the microphone
Bronze: "Carragher should have humped that. He's humped everything else from behind all night" - Jim Beglin.
Silver: "The one thing that never changes is that John Terry plays. And he's back today after missing those games" - Chris Kamara.
Gold: "We knew United would keep going - it's inbred in them" - Jim Beglin.
Just out of the medals: "When Cisse opens his legs he's very hard to handle" - Graham Taylor.
"Peter Crouch is six feet, seven inches tall - there would be something wrong if he wasn't good in the air" - Alan Hansen.
