KEITH DUGGAN/Sideline Cut: Praise the heavens. The Formula One season is upon us again. Nothing stirs the soul so much as a sub seven-second tyre change. There are few more exhilarating sights on this earth than the F1 formation lap. And he who tires of guessing the Minardi fuel strategy is tired of life.
Formula One is the ultimate nerd's revenge, the only arena in the world that allows vulcanised rubber physicists to mingle with glamour models. It allows men who really should know better to get away with wearing Ray-Bans (you know, Eddie Jordan, you know). It is also the only sport in the world where the result is decided the day before the actual event (okay, except for figure skating).
Formula One has been the salvation of many, many people. You've seen Mika Hakkinen after he has won world championships. Now try and imagine how miserable he would have been if he'd decided to become a parking attendant in Finland. If Damon Hill hadn't been a driver, he would have tried to become a rock star. Jensen Button would have ended up the victim of bullies because of his name alone. Jacques Villeneuve would have spent more time than is healthy browsing the Web. Jos Verstappen would - or at least should - have become a director of violent cult movies. God only knows about David Coulthard.
If there was no Formula One, Eddie "Just-Cos-I'm-From-Ulster-Doesn't-Mean-I'm-Not-Fun" Irvine would just be another dyed-blond six-counties man, whizzing around in his Capri, thinking about growing a 'tache, marrying Sandra. Instead he has been allowed to flower into one of the most richly-fascinating personalities of modern times. Whose life has not been enriched with those endless tales of wee Eddie's bust-ups with obscure models from the Low Countries? Eddie pursues the Playboy lifestyle as intensely as Shackleton marched for the Antarctic.
For the "bad boy" of Formula One, a typical day could entail snorkelling, jet-skiing, the termination of several relationships, moped driving, starring in a documentary, partying, skiing and finally landing by helicopter at his pad in Dalkey for a flying visit. Little wonder that he is always too fagged out to win any races.
It's not easy being Eddie Jordan either. The FIA handbook includes the following demands: 'The Four Grooves must be woven symmetrically about the new centre of the tread. They must be at least 14mm wide at the surface and which taper uniformly to a minimum of 10 mm at the lower surface. They must be at least 2.5mm across the whole lower surface." And these are simply the latest recommendations on EJ's sideburns.
This is, according to the hype, a big season for EJ. It is also a pivotal year for F1's poster boy, Michael Schumacher, and for the iconic Ferrari team. Everything is ready; the shades are polished, the cars have been unveiled, the pit-babes are ever present.
The only problem is that F1 is going downhill. Fast.
Transmission rights holders KirchMedia has recorded falling viewing figures that amount to billions over the past few seasons. Several teams, including the ever-struggling Arrows, are suffering from economic woes. With the avaricious Rupert Murdoch's News Corporation ready to pounce on the ailing KirchMedia, Formula One is in dire need of a wild season to boost the ratings.
But Formula One is, as we know, all about precision. It gives vast employment to an army of men in fireproof overalls who run about measuring this and gauging that and adjusting the other in cars that frequently fail to start. Formula One is all about hundredths of seconds despite the fact that before this season even begins, the sports commentators are predicting that Michael Schumacher will win the whole thing again.
The latest pre-season controversy has been about the possible illegality of the Bridgestone and Michelin tyres. This is hardly the sort of intrigue that is going to draw in new viewers.
There will always be F1 boffins genuinely fascinated by such matters - indeed, the key to enjoying contemporary F1 is probably to immerse yourself in the science of the machines. But that is not enough for the casual fan, drawn to the old-fashioned Steve McQueen notion of fast cars. The speed is all very well, but if there is no human element to empathise with, then it is hard to care for. And F1, no matter how many chicks Fast Eddie is snapped with this year, is not about people anymore.
Apart from the genuinely charismatic Schumacher, Irvine is the best PR man F1 has. Most of the current F1 stars are robotic in personality. They are strategists, careful eliminators of risk, conservatives really, today's safe reply to the compelling recklessness of previous cult figures like Alain Prost, James Hunt and Ayrton Senna.
Formula One analysts still pine for Senna, as if the sport has been stuck in a time warp since his death. It seems unable to rediscover its shine in much the same way as the NBA seemed unable to fully function without Michael Jordan.
This May, eight years will have passed since Senna's tragic death. It would be fascinating to hear what the thoughtful Brazilian would have to say about the current state of the sport to which he gave soul.
As the world has grown more extreme, Formula One has grown less. Much of this is, of course, due to the necessary regulations implemented to prevent the electrifying and shocking crashes such as Senna's at Imola. But part of the dark fascination of F1 was the sense that those men in their chariots were operating at the thin end of existence. You didn't wish for anything to happen to them but the knowledge that it might brought the race sharply to life.
Formula One isn't radical any more. Too often the entire race looks like one interminable formation lap. Nothing happens at an average of 160 m.p.h.. Then Schumacher wins. Overtaking manoeuvres are few and far between.
This world is now too fast to be thrilled by mere fast cars. F1 needs to be stripped down and rebuilt from scratch. It was said that Enzo Ferrari could not bear fault in any of his cars as it represented by extension fault in his own being. Perhaps the father figure of F1 would be happy with the engineering at Melbourne this weekend. But he would also probably despair of the race.
