George Kimball takes a look at how a novel set of Texan rules might be the only way to restore the competitive balance of the Ryder Cup

Look, the US has lost four of the last five of these things.

We plainly need help, and even though the rules have been amended to allow the players to kick it around in the fairways today, mere placing isn't going to cut it.

"Let 'em roll it everywhere," suggested Dan Jenkins. Everywhere? Including the rough? The bunkers? "Especially in the bunkers," said Jenkins. "That's one of the most important Goat Hills Rules."

Ian Woosnam and Tom Lehman have already agreed to modify the Rules of Golf to ensure neither Tiger nor Monty will have to strike any mud-laden golf balls at The K Club this morning. Players from both teams will be allowed to lift, clean, and place in their own fairways.

Persuading the respective captains to adopt the Goat Hills Rules at this late date might take some doing, but then again, it might be the only way to restore the competitive balance of the Ryder Cup.

It wouldn't be the first time the Ryder Cup had reinvented itself. In 1979, the charter was amended to allow players from all over Europe instead of just Britain and Ireland, which, come to think of it, is what started the Americans' downfall in the first place. Would it be too much to ask to shift the pendulum back just a shade the other way by adopting a few Texas rules?

Fortunately, the world's leading authority for this endeavour is available and on the spot. The dean of American golf writers, Jenkins is the author of Semi-tough, Dead Solid Perfect, and two dozen other books. He is also the chairman of the Championships Committee at Goat Hills Country Club in Fort Worth, Texas, where they play a brand of golf which, if adopted here, just might save the Americans' hides.

Some of our Ryder Cuppers would be more familiar with Goat Hills Rules than others. JJ Henry might be a Ryder Cup rookie, but, having attended Texas Christian University in Fort Worth, he is a Goat Hills veteran who played in Jenkins' invitational tournament two years ago.

Ed Sneed, who played for the Americans in 1977, has also played in the Goat Hills Invitational, as did the late Dave Marr, who captained the American side in the 1981 matches.

For the most part, however, the Goat Hills Rules were codified over the years by Jenkins' Texas contemporaries - legendary shit-kickers like John the Band-Aid (so named because he bled openly on every shot), Cecil the Parachute (whose violent swing sometimes sent him flying off elevated tees), Grease Repellant (who often arrived at Goat Hills straight from his job at a Fort Worth Texaco station) and, of course, Foot the Free (actually shortened from Bigfoot the Freeloader, who somehow always arrived at the course without cash in his pockets).

"The Goat Hills Rules are the same as the Rules of Golf, with a few minor variations," Jenkins explained on the eve of the 2006 Ryder Cup. "You get two Mulligans a side, for instance. It should be easy to talk the Eurotrash into that. Didn't the Mulligan originate in Ireland?" As a matter of fact, No.

"It didn't?" Jenkins sounded disappointed. "And let's see. Once per nine holes, but on the hole of your choice, you get to hit off the ladies' tee." You'd probably want to save that one for a par-five, unless your name is Tiger. "No out-of-bounds," continued Jenkins. "If you can find your ball, you can play it. And putts in the leather are good."

At the very least, that should eliminate lingering Ryder Cup controversies about whether a short putt should or should not have been conceded.

"Oh, yes," remembered Jenkins. "You also get a free throw. Wherever your ball winds up, once every nine holes you're allowed to pick it up and throw it instead of hitting a shot you might not want to hit."

Uh, we wondered, could you use your free throw to heave your opponent's Titlelist into, say, the Liffey? Or maybe into one of Michael Smurfit's flower beds? "Of course not. This is golf," said Jenkins, sounding wounded. "You can only throw your own ball."

Several other Goat Hills regulations deal with gambling etiquette. "Press when you're lonesome" (a player need not be two down to initiate a new bet), and a player trailing in a match can go all-in with get-even presses on 9 and 18. "Oh, I almost forgot," said Jenkins. "Off the first tee, hit till you're happy."

The eminence grise explained that under Goat Hills Rules, a competitor is allowed multiple drives off the opening tee box. The match will not be considered under way until he has struck one with which he pronounces himself comfortable.

"Wait a minute," we reminded him. "You're going to let Sergio hit till he's happy?"

"At Goat Hills," replied Jenkins, "we'd let Baker-Finch hit till he was happy."