First up, hugs to all of you who missed work yesterday with the tummy bug that appeared to ravage the nation, although happily you had Paul Dunne and Pádraig Harrington to keep you company as you recuperated in front of the telly. And at least you were back to full health once Zach Johnson triumphed, fully recovered after a nasty dose of Claretjugitis.

Mind you, if the 'poorly' folk sat themselves in front of the box as soon as they informed the boss of their sudden ailment, they'd have had to endure Council House Crackdown, Homes Under The Hammer, Close Calls, Heir Hunters, Bargain Hunt and the BBC News at One before finally being transported across to St Andrews.

While there are many, of course, who mourn the Beeb losing the British Open to Sky Sports from 2017, you can be sure if Sky was in charge yesterday they wouldn't just have been there for Bernhard Langer and Ryan Fox teeing off at 7.45am, they'd have had live coverage of the pair having their breakfast. There is that upside, then, to the BBC being usurped.

Running jump

Another upside is that Sky would most probably have Paul McGinley on their team, so it’s unlikely they’d try and claim Dunne as their own without being told to take a running jump.

Mark James did apologise, though, in fairness. "I called him British yesterday and someone took exception – he's Irish."

Grand. But. "But we like to be inclusive on the BBC." (Andrew Cotter: "You're digging that hole a bit deeper." He was too.)

Anyway, it wasn't an ideal start for our fella, who, Dan Walker told the retiring Ivor Robson, was the 18,995th player he'd announced at the British Open in his 41 years in the job. It's as well Ivor didn't take to the bar and get trolleyed there and then seeing as his retirement had to be put on hold thanks to the playoff. Ivor being carried out and announcing "on the tlee, Zlach hic Johnshlun" would have been morto stuff.

So, our Paul had a wobbly opening two holes, Peter Alliss reckoning he'd need a Sat Nav to find the hole on the second after a wayward drive.

“It looks like his body isn’t listening to his head any more,” said Andrew Cotter, but he came back nicely, up there with our Pádraig whose eyes were doing that mad stary thing, not seen since Oakland Hills in 2008, which made you believe he was a seriously serious contender.

But in truth, Bernhard Langer and Ryan Fox seemed to be just about the only players not in contention, the leaderboard so squeezed it could hardly breathe.

Plenty for Alliss to ruminate on, then, and ruminate he did, although occasionally he got sidetracked.

Old scruffs

“Caddies have got better looking over the years. They used to be dreadful old scruffs. It was suggested years ago that

Lord Boothby

, famous politician, was having an affair with

Lady Macmillan

and somebody said, ‘why did you pick her, she’s not the most beautiful thing’, and he said ‘she reminded me of a caddy I used to have at Swinley’.”

Ken Brown needed oxygen.

And then after discussing seagulls he sent his best wishes to Jimmy Greaves, who is recovering from a stroke, wondering how much he'd be valued at these days – "Nine billion? Well, more than Greece is worth any way" – before commenting on Gary Player's fitness regime – "There was a rumour that he drowned in a vat of muesli – he was pulled in by a strong currant" – and Adam Scott's putter: "Surely the longest in captivity?"

Alliss was his normal self, then, everyone wondering would he make a monster huge announcement as the day drew to a close. Would he back at Royal Troon next year, or was this goodbye?

He kept his whist, apart from reminding everyone that they could still see the best bits of the British Open on the Beeb from 2017.

“Sky will take over to do what we’ve been doing all day long and we will have a delicious couple of hours in the evening showing all the lovely highlights where you can sit in comfort and have a nice glass of something and watch it all instead of sticking around all day”.

That actually made losing the Open sound like a positive thing.

It was Zach Johnson, as it proved, who earned himself a nice Claret Jug of something after prevailing in the play-off, although Alliss had sensed he might have won it when he birdied the 18th: “Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition,” he declared when the ball was holed.

There was more to be done, though, we had ourselves a three-way play-off, this time Zach missing a putt on the 18th that would have clinched it . . . but soon Oosthuizen missed his effort and it was all over.

Alliss: “Kim, his wife, looking on, thinking: ‘If this goes in, we get a new kitchen’.”

(Look, calm down, this is the fella who reckons the decline of Britain began with “the freedom women felt when they got the contraceptive pill”).

One of a kind, that fella. A bit like the grand-uncle you beg to behave when there are visitors, and then he starts a conversation with, ‘do you know when this country went to pot . . . ?’.

And all you can say is: Noooooooooo.