AGAINST THE ODDS:A friendly dip in the sea suddenly turns to drama and Angie gets a closer look at just what Vinny Fitzpatrick is made of

THE LAST place Vinny Fitzpatrick expected to find himself on the Bank Holiday Sunday was at Low Rock beach, half-way between Portmarnock and Malahide, wrestling with a towel that wasn't near wide enough to obscure his ample girth.

As he attempted to discreetly haul his swimming togs past his knees, a puff of wind lifted up the flap of Vinny's towel and he almost toppled over as tried to conceal his embarrassment, stubbing his toe on a rock in the process. "Crikey," he cried.

After several efforts at heaving, grappling and fumbling, Vinny was finally in position to drop the towel, tie the strings at the top of his togs and release a big sigh. "I feel I've swum half-a-mile already," he said to himself.

It was many years since his last swim in the sea, yet here he was, baring his milky-white skin, complete with spare tyre or two, to all and sundry.

"Mark Spitz, eat your heart out," he said softly as he peered out from his refuge in the rocks.

Around Vinny, the popular beach was busy. To his right, a group of muscular youths, with strong Dublin accents, were sipping beer and smoking fags.

To his left, a gaggle of teenage girls were giggling noisily as they got changed into swimsuits. Further off, four pensioners, wrapped in several layers of clothing, sat around a fold-up table sipping drinks.

Looking out towards the retreating tide, Vinny spied Angie, striding along the shoreline, kicking up spray as she clipped along at a fair pace.

Clad in a bikini, which accentuated her shapely figure, Angie reminded Vinny of Ursula Andress in Dr No. "But I'm no 007," he muttered.

Gingerly, Vinny tiptoed over the barnacle-clad rocks and slippery seaweed to the foreshore, and began the long walk out over the rippled sands towards the low breakers. The beach "date" had been Angie's idea. As he'd left her house in Clontarf after the Eurovision the previous Saturday, she'd planted a smacker on a startled Vinny's lips and suggested they go for a swim the next weekend if the weather was fine.

"A swim? Sure, there's nothing I'd like better," Vinny had replied enthusiastically, before praying for rain all week.

As he avoided a couple of mean-looking jellyfish, complete with stringy bits he suspected could give you a nasty sting, Vinny was nearly knocked over as the young bucks swept by. They galloped into the surf and dived head-long into the briny, emerging with whoops of joy.

Must have internal heating, thought Vinny, who had arrived at the water's edge and was keeping a wary eye out for crabs.

"Come on, Vinny. It's lovely and warm once you're in," shouted Angie, who seemed half-way to Lambay Island. Vinny was about to make a smart remark in response but checked himself.

"Be careful Ange. Don't go out too far," he replied.

With some trepidation, Vinny entered the water, pausing for a moment to consider Archimedes' principle and the displacement effect his 16st bulk was having on the water. Should've have listened more in science at school, he thought as the waves lapped at his fleshy calves.

Ahead, Vinny could see Angie freestyling parallel to the shore, cutting through the water like a porpoise. And to think all I have to offer is an out-of-date doggy paddle, he thought as he stepped further into the deep.

Suddenly, a wave broke over Vinny's nether regions, prompting bolts of electricity to shoot to all parts of his body. "James' Street," he gushed before saying a quick prayer as plunged his head into the salty waters.

When he emerged, floating on his back, Vinny did a 360-degree turn, during which he noticed there was no sign of Angie. Anxious, he stood bolt upright, the water lapping at his navel.

"Angie!" he cried.

"Over here, Vinny. Over here," came a nervous-sounding reply.

Vinny looked to his right. At first, he couldn't see her. Then he twigged that Angie was surrounded by the youths, and they were giving her hassle. Each time she attempted to get past, one or two would block her path.

Vinny felt his blood boil and his gut, of which there was plenty, tighten. "Hey! Leave her alone," he bellowed, before wading as quickly as he could in the direction of Angie.

"Oh look," said one youth. "It's the old man of the sea."

As the sniggering and taunting continued, Vinny's sense of outrage and anger erupted. "Beware the white whale," he roared as he dove into the water and kicked out for all his worth in the direction of Angie.

What seemed like an eternity later, though it was less than 10 seconds, Vinny emerged from the deep, coughing, spluttering and blinking. He was now inside the cordon and had wrapped a beefy paw around Angie's shoulder.

"Lads, I think it's time to end the messing, don't you? We don't want anyone to get hurt now, do we?"

The young bucks glanced at each other; one of them was holding his hip where he'd felt the full force of Moby Dick Fitzpatrick moments earlier.

Suddenly, the tense silence in the waters off Low Rock was broken by the sound of laughter from the cluster of teenage girls Vinny had seen earlier on the beach.

There were about eight of them in the water and they were throwing a ball around, no more than 10 yards away.

Sensing the moment was right, Vinny spoke. "Right lads, fun's over," he said, treading between two of the sentries.

Beside him, shivering and slightly shocked, was Angie."You alright love," said Vinny.

"Yeah, all thanks to my hero," smiled Angie, a large wet curl hanging down her forehead.

Vinny shrugged. He didn't think the boys meant any harm but you never could tell. Anyway, it was over and he had more pressing concerns - like getting himself dressed.

For, whatever about getting the togs on, he knew it was a dam sight harder to get them off when there's salt and sand sticking all over you. As for the underpants, well, he couldn't possibly manage them alone. "Er Angie, can you give us a hand," he said sheepishly.

Bets of the Week:
2pts Germany to win Euro 2008 (4/1, Paddy Power)
1pt e/w Fernando Torres to be top scorer at Euro 2008 (10/1, Betfred)

Vinny's Bismarck:
1pt Lay New Approach to win Epsom Derby (5/1 Boylesports, Liability 5pts)