TV VIEW:AS WE MADE our way from Auckland to Melbourne to Nowlan Park to Innsbruck to Salzburg to Donnybrook and on to Torrey Pines on Saturday, a trip that would have left a planet-threatening carbon footprint if not for the fact we never left the couch, "what might have been" increasingly became the theme of our journey.
Indeed by the end of it all we felt almost the same height of frustration as displayed by Alan Shearer on the BBC last week when he wondered out loud what England might have achieved if only they'd made it to Switztria for Euro 2008. In their absence, though, he thought the Spanish stood a chance, though he noted that "Spain suffer from the same problem as England in that they have too many good players for their team".
Some of you might be unkind enough to declare that Al's suggestion that England have a Spanish-like abundance of footballing riches was as wide of the mark as 19 of the Dublin hurlers' scoring attempts at Nowlan Park. Unkind, but true enough.
Anyway, judging by events in Auckland on Saturday morning England don't quite have an All-Blacks-like abundance of rugby riches either, although pre-match our Sky Sports panel hadn't entirely ruled out the possibility of the visitors triumphing over their hosts. Such an eventuality, we were told, would make Graham Henry's job as secure as that of, say, Roberto Donadoni if Italy lose to France tomorrow.
England started brightly enough, so brightly the former New Zealand captain Sean Fitzpatrick was moved to be disrespectful to the Irish when he noted that "it's a step-up from last week, and that's no disrespect to the Irish", but it wasn't to last.
The panel concluded that most of England's woes were self-inflicted, although they stopped short of pointing the finger at any individuals (if you discount Will Greenwood's observation, upon reviewing the moment the All Blacks made it 30-13 with a try, that "it might be Charlie Hodgson's last missed tackle in an England jersey").
On to Melbourne where our "what might have been" trip truly took off. Mark Robson welcomed us "to the land of Robbie 'Dingo' Deans, Don Bradman, Campo, tinnies and flat whites" before proceeding to tear his hair out over the next 80 minutes as Ireland neglected to take one or 12 scoring chances.
As luck would have it, though, the very same channel is currently airing a hair restoration advertisement, the star of the ad none other than Shane "Warnie" Warne. "Get in there and get it done," he says as we're shown pictures of his thinning top. By the time the ad ends, roughly 30 seconds later, Warnie has more hair than Ozzy Osbourne and Miguel Ángel Jiménez combined.
"I think the results speak for themselves," he beams, proudly displaying what looks, to be honest, like an overthatched cottage on top of his head. Remarkable stuff.
So Mark, having extracted every strand of hair from his head by full-time, might well have been tempted to give Warnie a call, although if he's a Dublin hurling fan he'd have lost it all again as he watched them somehow fail to beat Wexford.
On to Innsbruck, somewhat dizzily, for Sweden v Spain in the Ulster Senior Hurling Euro 2008 Rugby Championship. Speaking of hair: Sam "Big" Allardyce on ITV? What's the story? Is it just a change of fringe direction or has he been in touch with Warnie?
Andy "I tell you what" Townsend, Big Sam's partner on the couch, must have been tempted to analyse this new formation, but he resisted, opting instead to declare, "I tell you what, Spain have been impressive."
I tell you what, they have too. Which can't be said of Greece. Funny, when we watched that Ray Houghton Euro 88 goal (against - who was it again?) on Miriam O'Callaghan's show on Saturday night, when Jack "Big" Charlton was the guest of honour, we wondered if our brand of football bored Europe to tears 20 years ago as much as Greece's has done in the last two European Championships. Very probably. And two decades on we're still irritating Europe. Consistency, that's what you call it.
Anyway, Greece were knocked out by Russia so we headed for Torrey Pines in good spirits. But then Pádraig's double-bogeys on the sixth and seventh holes darkened the clouds overhead.
We did, though, share a giggle with Tiger when that chip on the 17th fell into the hole, before his eagle landed in the same spot on the 18th. "Guided into the centre of the cup as if by radar," as Sky's Ewan Murray put it.
That, though, was the only piece of commentary we actually heard, having opted to stamp on the mute button, with both feet, to drown out those cries of "IN THE HOLE". With luck that's where these people will end up one day, preferably with the hole filled in with mounds of earth.
"Get in there and get it done," as Warnie would say.
