SOCCER/TV View: Jimmy Magee was busy purring at the sight of those 150 World Cup winners as they paraded around the Munich Arena, the purrs turning in to swoons when the Brazilian greats emerged. But Jimmy, to his credit, refused to allow this splendid nostalgia trip overshadow the plight of those less fortunate in the ground. "Don't forget, all this time those 24 oversized women are hanging from 30 and 40 metres above the stadium," he said.

They were too. Why? Not even Jimmy could explain, but they were swinging, quite precariously, from the rafters all through the opening ceremony.

What RTÉ failed to show us, and we have the BBC to thank for this, is that they were serenaded on to the pitch by 182 drummers from Upper Bavaria, who were followed by a couple of dozen men in Lederhosen slapping their thighs, and more men playing with giant cowbells. Sorry, should have mentioned: Germany is hosting the World Cup.

Jonathan Pearce explained to us that the Lederhosen-clad thigh-slappers were actually performing "a courtship display". And they're wondering why they're still bachelors?

Back on RTÉ, Jimmy was continuing to fret about the hovering oversized women. "Pretty shortly the gathering below on the red carpet are going to be showered with . . ."

His voice trailed off. But judging by the look on Jack Charlton's face, as he peered heavenwards, he was sharing Jimmy's concerns.

Mercifully, by the time Germany and Costa Rica kicked off the oversized women had been rescued, saving us from the sight of Jens Lehmann coming off his line to collect a high ball and instead netting Hefty Helga from Hamburg.

There was a hearty welcome on RTÉ for new boy Graeme Souness, with Billo, Liamo and Eamo doing their best to help him settle in. Graeme's first touch betrayed his nervousness ("I wouldn't write them off simply because they're Germans"), but as the afternoon passed he gradually realised he wasn't on Sky Sports.

Over on the Beeb there were no such restrictions on verbal or visual auld chestnuts, with Gary "Achtung" Lineker posing in front of a bunch of sandbags at Checkpoint Charlie, and Alan Hansen asking, "Whatever happened to the German trademarks? The efficiency, the organisation, the discipline?"

Alan? Like the auld chestnuts, they went out with the flood.

As the inefficient, disorganised, ill-disciplined German defence proved against Costa Rica. Half-time: "They're ordinary Bill, you can write the Germans off," said Eamo.

Back on the Beeb: "You know what they say, you can never write the Germans off," Alan Shearer told a nodding Lineker.

So, what's it to be, then? Can we or can we not write them off?

Full-time. "Has Klinsmann silenced his critics," asked Bill.

"No," said Eamon.

Back to the Beeb. "I don't care what the opposition is like, that's a fantastic win, an absolutely fantastic win, Klinsmann will be delighted, tonight he's absolutely ecstatic," said Martin O'Neill.

Confused? Us too, almost as confused as the goalkeepers when that swervy beach ball came hurtling towards them. "They pulled the wool over our eyes with Lahm scoring there," said Lineker, before concluding: "It was getting Klose by the minute, but Frings worked out in the end." Cripes, and it was only Day One.

Back on RTÉ, Eamon was explaining that Germany's defensive frailties were down to the fact Klinsmann lives in California, where "They've obviously sold him some idea about the New Age, told him to eat Muesli and think like an American."

Graeme? "Eh, they weren't convincing, by any stretch of the imagination," he said, still trying to figure out what the hell yer man to his right was on about.

Ecuador v Poland. Denis Irwin was worried for Ecuador, "They've a real problem coming down to sea level", but by half-time his task was to analyse their goal. "Surprisingly it came from a set-piece - you wouldn't expect the Ecuadorians to come up with that," he said. Eh, why?

Anyway, we're up and running, the cliches are flowing, the nets are bulging, so we're positively content. And, please God, in time, those women will recover from their ordeal.

Presenter: Bill O'Herlihy.

His Big Intro: "Good afternoon, you're very welcome. The long wait is over, the 2006 World Cup finals have finally arrived and it's all systems go."

Starting Line-up: Liam Brady, Eamon Dunphy and Graeme Souness.

Theme Music: Pilgrim's Chorus by Wagner.

What they said: "If your car's got a puncture and it's still got a puncture two weeks later you don't know how to change a tyre." (Eamon Dunphy on Jürgen Klinsmann's inability to cure Germany's defensive woes).

Presenter: Gary Lineker.

His Big Intro: "The long wait is finally over, the hype will soon be eclipsed by the spectacle, the 2006 World Cup is about to commence."

Starting Line-up: Alan Hansen, Martin O'Neill and Alan Shearer.

Theme Music: Sports Prepare by Carl Davis (adapted from Handel's See the Conquering Hero Comes).

What they said: "Not having to face being grilled by Garth Paxman Crooks is some consolation for missing out on the England job." (Martin O'Neill).

Presenter: Gabby Logan.

Her Big Intro: "Okay, I trust you've got yourself in a comfy chair, you've taken ownership of the remote control and stocked up in provisions."

Starting Line-up: Sam Allardyce, Ruud Gullit and Stuart Pearce.

Theme Music: Heroes by Kasabian (a cover of the David Bowie song).

What they said: "I reckon Silverstone's going to be one of the best World Cup venues this coming weekend." (Steve Rider, trying too hard to remind viewers ITV have another sport).