Compiled by MARY HANNIGAN

Only $250 for a crap view at the Mile High

If you paid $250 for a seat at a match, what’s the least you would expect? Yes, a decent view of the game, but apart from that? You would, surely, hope that feathered creatures wouldn’t spend the evening relieving themselves all over you.

“We’re sitting there trapped in this kind of a situation. Any moment a pigeon will poop on you,” Denver Broncos fan Allison Harden told USA Today after herself and others in section 306 of the Mile High stadium complained about being targeted by the residents living overhead.

Stadium manager Andy Gorchov tried hard to be sympathetic. “We strive to ensure that all fans have a positive experience during Broncos games, and their safety and comfort is our number one priority.

“Unfortunately, outdoor stadiums do sometimes have issues with birds. When these circumstances occur, our stadium staff is instructed to respond immediately and resolve the situation in the most timely and appropriate manner possible.”

He didn’t explain just how the staff ‘resolve’ the situation, you can only hope guns aren’t involved.

Ryan's times simply don't add up

YOU’D HAVE to imagine that Republican vice-presidential candidate Paul Ryan is now regretting making a less than true claim about once running a marathon in under three hours, the Wisconsin man the butt of jokes ever since – and also leaving folk wondering what else he’s fibbing about.

Ryan had claimed that he ran a “two hour and 50-something” marathon in his youth, a highly impressive time that had the running world scrambling for the record books, Runner’s World magazine finding the results from the marathon in question that showed he’d actually finished the race in just over four hours.

“It was 22 years ago. You forget sorta these things,” he explained.

Earlier in the week, Democratic Senate majority leader Harry Reid recalled running the 1972 Boston marathon, his office producing documents to show his time was three hours and 16 minutes.

“But using the Ryan math, my time would not have been a world record, but within minutes – minutes – of a world record,” said Reid on the Senate floor. “I could have made the Olympic team. Using Ryan math, I would have been superb.”

The Republicans, needless to say, were unamused, the Mitt Romney campaign spokesman Brendan Buck saying: “President Obama should tell his friends in Congress to focus on jobs and defence spending cuts instead of marathon times,” to which the Democrats replied: “You started it.” This isn’t going well.

And now the mountaineering fraternity is looking in to Ryan’s boast he has climbed “close to 40” of Colorado’s “fourteeners” range of 54 peaks, each of which is more than 14,000 feet tall. “To have climbed 40 and not be a (Colorado) resident means that you would have had to devote entire summers to climbing fourteeners,” said one expert quoted on The Atlantic website. “I doubt Ryan had the time or dedication to fourteeners to take the required time out from his political career.”

The fella you have to feel sorry for here is Buck, he must be worn out from defending these sporty claims. “We’re not sure where this started, but he’s not said 40 different peaks, it’s nearly 40 climbs – with a number of peaks climbed more than once. He’s been doing them for more than 20 years,” he said.

But how quickly did he do his nearly 40 climbs? Using “Ryan math”, probably in no time at all.

Door Slam-med on Murray's privacy

There were times on Tuesday, when he had to do nigh on endless media work after winning the US Open the night before when he defeated the defending champion Novak Djokovic, that Andy Murray had the look of a man who half regretted picking up his first Grand Slam title.

His morning was filled with appearances on a number of American breakfast television shows, and then he had to head to Central Park to pose with his trophy (left) for photographers, each of whom appeared to want him to lie at a different angle on the grass beside his prize, Murray’s smile becoming increasingly pained.

He is, he says, shy, and hates this side of his life, he’d prefer nothing more than to head home to his dogs after doing his sporting thing, and enjoy some privacy.

Privacy?

Well, he learned this week that that’s a thing of the past – the drinks bill from his night out with friends after winning the US Open final even did the rounds.

Seriously.

It’s as just as well the Scot has a few bob now because the bill came to $1,289.60, but only $6 of that was down to him, Murray splurging on a solitary “lemon soda”.

“The problem was when I arrived everyone was so drunk already,” he said, “it would’ve taken a while to catch up, so I didn’t bother.”

Privacy? Adieu.

Rooney just a product of this modern scourge

THOSE WATCHING Andy Murray in the immediate aftermath of him winning the US Open might have wondered what he was frantically searching for in his bags, the fella seeming to put his celebrations on hold until he found the mystery item.

It was, as it turned out, a Rado watch worth around €3,000, Murray rather eager to meet contractual obligations with a sponsor he signed a deal with a few months back.

Naturally, Rado were rather eager to see their watch on his arm when he raised the US Open trophy.

Happily for all concerned, the watch was found and did indeed star in the trophy-raising ceremony.

Sports people certainly become very attached to their products – except when they have to leave them in their tennis bags – and rarely miss an opportunity to promote them.

Take Wayne Rooney. The Daily Mirror has been publishing extracts from his My Decade book, and this week shared a bit about Rooney talking of receiving the ‘hairdryer treatment’ from Alex Ferguson.

“There’s nothing worse than getting the ‘hairdryer’ from Sir Alex. When it happens, the manager stands in the middle of the room and loses it at me.

“He gets right up in my face and shouts. It feels like I’ve put my head in front of a BaByliss Turbo Power 2200. It’s horrible. I don’t like getting shouted at by anyone.”

See what he did there? It’s what you call ‘product placement’.

Strewth! Pool antics leave Aussies aghast

ONE GOLD, six silver and three bronze Olympic medals in swimming might not quite be regarded as a catastrophe for most nations, but for Australia it was their lowest medal count in the sport for 20 years.

In Beijing they won six gold, and in Athens seven, you have to go back to Barcelona in 1992 for the last time they had only one winner.

That, then, is what has prompted an inquiry in to the team’s London performances, Swimming Australia president David Urquhart this week guaranteeing confidentiality to any of the competitors too “scared” by their team-mates to speak up.

One of those involved in the enquiry is Susie O’Neill, an eight-time Olympic medallist, who has already made her views known on the “failure”, reckoning the current crop of swimmers lack the same work ethic of their predecessors.

Whatever the truth about that, some of the revelations in the Australian press about the good times that were had in London by some members of the team suggest their minds might not have entirely been on the job.

They “behaved more like schoolboys on a rugby tour than elite athletes competing at the pinnacle of their sport”, Tommaso D’Orsogna, a member of the 4x100 metres freestyle relay team, told the Sydney Morning Herald.

D’Orsogna owned up to not being on his best behaviour either, but it was his response when asked if the rumours were true that some of his team-mates had used the sleeping tablet Stilnox – which has been banned by Swimming Australia that raised more than a few eyebrows.

“I’m not going to be the guy that lies to the media. I’m not going to be the guy that stands up here and lies to Australia. But, at the same time, I’m just not going to comment. I’ll leave it at that.”

The SMH claimed team insiders had alleged that senior members of the men’s 4x100m freestyle relay team – which was tipped to win gold, but failed to win any medal at all – “devised an initiation ritual that involved taking Stilnox on a bonding night”.

A snoozy bonding night, you’d have to assume.

That revelation, naturally enough, led to a chorus of guffaws, along the lines of: “Sleeping tablets? That explains their performances.”

There were plenty of other high jinks, including swimmers running around late at night knocking on team-mates’ doors to wake them up, and also making prank calls to disturb others’ sleep.

These, lest you forget, were the adult Olympics, not the kiddies’ version.

Was that it?

Not quite.

“Other disturbing allegations of ill-discipline were that two male swimmers kept the body hair they shaved off before competition and scattered it in the beds and bags of other swimmers,” reported the SMH.

Swimming Australia have promised a thorough inquiry in to the events, but you’d guess, from what’s been in the press so far, they might not quite know where to start.