Day 11. It's sometimes easy to forget Eurosport, partly because it's positioned somewhere between National Geographic and Nickelodeon on your average telly and partly because there is no apparent reason for its existence, unless you live and breathe Tractor Pulling or that Nordic cross country skiing thingie.
But, lest you were unaware, the channel is covering this Euro 2000 business, and on the evidence of a snap opinion poll taken at the TV dinners counter of a Dublin supermarket yesterday afternoon it has doubled its Irish viewership over the past 10 days (with Sean now tuning in along with Sinead).
Sean says he can't be doing with Eamo Dunphy's ranting, Chippy Brady's scowling and Marto O'Neill's whingeing, while Sinead objects to Al Hansen's pouting, Al McCoist's slap-sticking and Des Lynam's flirting. Eurosport's your only man, they insist, because it has none of the above, although they concede it hasn't much else.
What it has, though, is the quite extraordinary Angus "Statto" Loughran as a commentator, who, according to the website Football 365, came out with this gem during the Holland v Denmark game: "I'm sure coach Frank Rijkaard will want the Dutch to go on and score a fourth now, although, obviously, they'll have to score the third one first." Triffic, eh?
(Angus, incidentally, was spotted on the BBC's live coverage of Ascot yesterday, an appearance that hinted there is some truth behind the vicious rumour that Eurosport commentators don't actually attend the games they commentate on.)
What Eurosport also has that others channels don't is an all-night messaging service where rather peculiar people from parts of Europe that I didn't know were parts of Europe (e.g., Japan and Israel) can send in their comments on Euro 2000 and, if they're really, really lucky, they'll be displayed on screen during the re-run of an earlier match.
"Denis (sic - as opposed to sick Dennis) Wise Rocks," said Andrei from Lithuania last night, adding, somewhat naughtily, "David Beckham sucks". Rocks? Sucks? Why does Europe (and Japan and Israel) now speak with an American accent? And why is a Lithuanian even aware of Dennis Wise's existence? It's the end of civilisation as we know it.
Portugal v Germany. No live coverage, only of the other one (England v Romania). Nothing for it but to switch to Carol Vordermann's Better Homes on ITV, scheduled for girlies who don't like football. Is there no end to what you can do with MDF? Go on then, England v Romania. Truly, we are the co-commentating master race. RTE? Johnny Gilesie. BBC? Marko Lawrenson. Eurosport? Joey Kinnear. It's enough to have you breaking into a verse or 14 of The Fields of Athenry. Or maybe not.
"England's problem is that they've got not a second Beckham on the left-hand side," said Joey Cruyff on the BBC, but, on the positive side, he swooned, "I like Scholes a long time already." All agreed, England would win, setting up a quarter-final appointment with Italy on Saturday. (A prospect that had Francesco Toldo and Fabio Cannavaro quaking in their boots when ITV's Gabby Yorath interviewed them. "I worry about England because they are a great team," said Toldo. "I know all the English players - McManaman, Bergkamp . . ." Cannavaro? "Beckham, he's a very good player and there's em . . . Giggs and Scholes".)
Back on RTE, Eamo paid a lovely tribute to the Romanians, saying they were a "dodgy team who'd be wearing blinkers if they were racehorses". Indeed. Although, as Barry Venison put it, so aptly, on ITV the other night, "the Romanians are more Portuguese than German".
Oddly enough he was right. First half hour? Played Kev's boys off the pitch. Half time? Romania 1, England 2. "I cannae believe it," said Al Hansen, speaking for us all. Stuart Pearce? He was perturbed too, but he was impressed by Paul Ince who, he observed, "took the ball by the horns" in the first half.
Second half. The one thing you can say about watching England in major tournament games is that there's never a dull moment. Never. Ever. Lost 3-2. And they were lucky to get two. Grim.
Rumours that high-ranking UEFA officials could be seen dancing in the streets of Charleroi last night, sporting Romanian replica shirts, are, as yet, unconfirmed.
