WOMEN HAVE babies young themselves, so when still relatively the extended family can be very large. A baby is born not just to parents but to sisters, brothers, cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents and even great grandparents from both sides.

The whole family can spread even wider, especially here in Ireland where large families have been the norm, with second and third cousins all over the place.

Whatever your relationship with your parents was like you can bet that it changes after the birth of your baby. Our parents tend to appear in a magnanimous new light once we have babies of our own. This delicate, sometimes problematic, relationship we have with grandparents is also very precious and should be nurtured.

There are bound to be changes in the relationship. Many people say they feel a new appreciation of their own parents because of how they feel about their own offspring. They see that the fierce, intense love and all the care that goes into parenting was once directed at them from their own parents, from whom they may have been quite independent for some time.

A close bond is usually remade with parents, to whom we may turn to for support and advice - and to just share in love together, as a family. Any strained relationships with parents in law may be eased; now your "partnership" With their child seems validated, and you are given credit as the mother or father of their beloved grandchild.

However, old antagonisms in the relationship can also be revived, or there can be disagreements about the raising of the child. Sadly resentments can build, because the mother may feel very vulnerable - especially in the early months after the baby is born, when she needs care and support from all the family.

Many have heard a grandparent's caring but anxious, unhelpful advice. When a baby cries, comments such as "what is your mother doing to you, poor baby" are bound to cause frustration to a mother who is suffering from lack of sleep.

Other comments can make you lose heart: "Maybe you should wind him more" or "He looks hungry to me at least with the bottle you know how much they are getting."

YET HAVING another person who loves and cares for your child in a unique special way is invaluable for you and for your child. Although relationships with grandparents can sometimes see saw between soothing love and seething resentment, a grandparent can be the most wonderful source of pleasure for everyone concerned.

We should develop this relationship and its potential to the full whether the grandparent lives near or far, is active or chairridden; all have a treasure trove of experiences to give the little new life.

It is a great bonus and precious blessing to have active, healthy grandparents who can babysit, play and even help around the home - or just be the shoulder to cry on or the attentive ear to listen to your problems.

Moreover, sharing in the activities of childhood can keep a grandparent feeling young and involved in life and the future.

Some parents do not fully appreciate the enormity of the gift of caring grandparents. Even a grandparent who can just sit and talk and show an interest can be richly rewarding for a child. A grandparent gives the chance to form a special bond with someone other than her parents someone without the full responsibility, who can offer different new interests, demands and insights.

It may be difficult to imagine, but to your parents you are still their little baby. Sometimes that in itself can lead to difficulties when you are trying to be a responsible parent yourself. The child in you may want your parents' approval - or want the grandparent to shoulder too much responsibility for your offspring.

Many grandparents are shocked by how much they love their grand children, bringing back all the memories and tender feelings they shared with their own children.

From the child's point of view, there is nothing to compare with the delight of having lots of people caring and loving you.

So if you ever find relationships with your parents or parents in law running into trouble, talk things over. There is a triangle of learning and loving, linking grandparents parents and children together. By sharing and talking, you can discover how rewarding family ties across the generations can be for everybody.

Hints for parents

. You do not have to always do everything for your child or always be there - give grandparents time alone with your children to develop their own relationship with each child.

. Be tolerant of their views; remember they are only trying to be helpful and have spent their lives caring and loving you.

. Ask for their guidance occasionally everyone wants to feel wanted and needed.

. Always maintain some sort of relationship if possible; it is so important for the children.

. Finally, try not to feel too upset if they don't seem to show as much interest as you'd like. They've been there and done it and got more than the t-shirt already, you know - only perhaps you were too young to realise it. Don't forget to say thanks for the training and all the love.

Hints for grandparents

. By all means offer practical help, but it is best to give advice when asked for it.

. Try to remember the upheavals of new parenthood; it's an emotional time - try not to take what they say personally.

. Don't let them take you for granted. If you are doing something else, tell them. If you are too tired or it is too much for you, say so tactfully, but be assertive.

. If you are ever worried about anything about the children, have a quiet word with the parent, emphasising it is because you care, not because you are being critical.

. Enjoy your grandchildren - they'll give you endless pleasure and fun. Talk about your life and interests with them. Read with them, garden with them, create love and memories that will last a lifetime.