TV VIEW:WE WERE watching Fernando Torres doing his heavenly thing for Liverpool on Sky Sports yesterday and it struck us that he has quite a bit in common with that Pennsylvania man who gave mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to a mowed-down possum on a highway last week, before, allegedly, conducting a seance over its flattened remains, writes MARY HANNIGAN

Donald – the man, not the possum – was later charged with public drunkenness and informed by a pitiless state trooper that the creature had, in fact, been deceased for a considerable length of time. In other words, if the possum had picked itself up and dusted itself down, it would have been a miracle that eclipsed the one at that wedding in Cana when the plonk ran out.

In some ways, then, you could say that Donald is to road-kill what Fernando is to Liverpool: humanely hell-bent on reviving a cause, even if it’s a bit on the lost side.

True, Sky have been trying to convince us that fourth is the new first, as one English newspaper put it last week, but our Liverpool-supporting friends, if we had any, would tell us that if first is first and second is nowhere, where does that leave one place lower than third?

Still, Fernando was, understandably, chuffed with his two celestial goals, the first of which left Sky’s Jeff Shreeves gasping.

“Have you ever scored any better than that,” he asked.

“Mmm, I think so,” said the Spanish man, leaving Jeff a bit deflated.

Back in the studio, Robbie Fowler, who we haven’t laid eyes on since he set sail for North Queensland Fury in the Australian A-League, was appreciative of Fernando’s efforts in a difficult season for the club, even if, he sort of conceded, the possum was still looking a bit flat.

Life for Robbie, though, is good. The weather in Australia is the biggest bonus, he said, in his new life. The football . . . well: “I’m playing against some not bad players,” he gushed.

“What’s the worst part of living in Australia,” asked Richard Keys.

“Where I live we’ve got a beach and obviously the ocean, but you can’t go anywhere near them because of the crocodiles,” he said.

We were awful close to Twittering Robbie to tell him you only find crocodiles in swamps and zoos. Mercifully, we checked first – there are, apparently, sea-going versions of the creature Down Under, so we’re a bit relieved we didn’t send that tweet. “Liverpool Legend Shredded By Croc” is a headline we couldn’t have lived with if Robbie had accepted our reassurances.

“And obviously at home we’ve got massive spiders,” he continued, leaving Richard all a-shiver. “But probably wherever you go in the world there are always nasty things about, but probably where I live there are more than most,” he said.

We haven’t checked, but we’re guessing a “Bring Petrified Robbie Home” campaign has already started on Facebook.

Anyway, Robbie’s appearance solved one “Where are they now?” query: Sky’s Soccer Saturday usually solves the rest.

That’s largely because Sky’s Soccer Saturday is the biggest single employer of retired footballers. Like Paul Merson.

“There’s 31 games gone, everybody’s where they are at the moment, Liverpool are where they are at the moment, they’re a top team who are where they are,” he told us, leaving Jeff Stelling thanking him for his expertise.

Dean Windass? Whatever happened the Hull City, Aberdeen, Oxford United, Bradford City, Middlesbrough, Sheffield Wednesday, Sheffield United, Bradford City, Oldham and Darlington legend?

“It’s a big game today for Charlton at Huddersfield, over to Dean,” said Jeff.

“Yes, it’s a big game today for Charlton,” said Dean, standing in, well, the stand at Huddersfield, his head weighed down by a gargantuan pair of headphones. “There’s not much in the game really. Nicky Forster making his debut from, emmmm, whatever club he’s been at – I don’t know, whatever club he’s been at. But, eh, he’s just had a chance there actually. Honestly Jeff, he just missed it by inches. Still 0-0.”

“His knowledge is encyclopedic,” said Jeff, “trust me.”

But look, not everyone is an expert on sporting matters. Take the woman who phoned Liveline to talk to Joe last week about an alleged member of the alleged Irish Under-20 rugby team allegedly running around naked in the corridor of her alleged Athlone hotel.

Joe: “Was he, eh, a prop?”

Angry woman: “Ah no Joe, he was one of the team.”

Fernando and Donald could probably do with a chat with Joe this weather, although, tragically, we fear Joe would have to do all the talking if the possum were put on the line. Rest in peace.