The Italians arrive in force, sending Irish coach Murray Kidd to `swim with the fishes of club rugby' after the New Zealander is handed his P45 and a golden handshake by the IRFU. Brian Ashton receives a six-year offer he can't refuse. Kevin Keegan resigns at Newcastle, John Hall feels that his Toons give too much away so he plumps for the monosyllabic Kenny Dalglish. Nick Faldo tries unsuccessfully to buy Ballyliffin Golf Club. Martina Hingis wins her first Grand Slam tournament, the Australian Open, and Green Bay send New England packing in New Orleans. Wayne McCullough refuses to hit the 39-year-old Mexican pensioner Daniel Zaragoza, who shuffles to victory in their their WBC Super Bantamweight title clash in Boston.
February
Padraig Harrington learns why golf is not played at night in the Sun City Tournament in South Africa. Kildare jockey Mark Gallagher receives gunshot wounds in the car park at the Bangalore Club - prior to a race. Steve Collins beats Frenchman Frederic Sellier and Will Carling vows not to tour South Africa: two people are affected by the news. Ireland beat Wales and a Triple Crown is on: Ireland are hammered 46-6 by England and dust off the learning curve. Former director general of the GAA Sean Ó an Siochain dies aged 82.
March
An under-21 match between Dublin and Offaly ends a melee. Investigations reveal that 31 people started the row!
Michelle Smith sets a new Irish record in Galway, three journalists are treated in hospital for chlorine inhalation. Willie Carson retires after 35 years in the saddle. Jose Maria Olazabal receives the ultimate toe job to come back and win the Turespana Masters. Eddie Irvine bumps into Jacques Villeneuve in Australia, but the Canadian chooses to avoid the Irishman's company when winning in Brazil. Commanche Court gives several great leps for Ted Walsh in winning the Triumph Hurdle. Tony McCoy refuses to share any big races with his rivals at Cheltenham.
April
The Aintree Grand National is disrupted by a massive game of hide and seek, much to Peter O'Sullivan's chagrin. He wants to count to 50, but only gets to 49 and has to wait until the Monday to finish. The GAA, hoping to lighten their image, appoint the all-singing, all-dancing Joe McDonagh as president. Hansie O'Cronje temporarily resuscitates Irish cricket, a US Masters official is alleged to have smiled - this is later refuted, it was a wince - when Tiger Woods claimed the US Masters.
May
Terry Phelan goes missing, but is subsequently discovered in the heart of the Irish defence. Monsieur Eric hops aboard a trawler for France, minus the seagulls. Shelbourne's FAI cup over-floweth. BBC apologise for technical fault that put colour in Ken Doherty's cheeks at the Crucible in Sheffield. Cork lose National Football League final to Kerry, but claim they are saving themselves for a sensational exit in the championship. Darren Clarke gets first opportunity to perfect runners-up speech, at Volvo Masters.
June
It's rip, rip away for good ol' Mike T. The Toronto Skydome is the limit for Donovan Bailey, the first bend for Michael Johnson. French police are searching for unknowns Gustavo Kuerten and Iva Majoli who made off with some silverware from Roland Garros. Ernie Els survives the full Monty to win the US Open at Congressional, but Dublin's football dream splinters at Croke Park. Bloody scenes as Lions let loose in Springboks's enclosure. Aidan O'Brien pleases god greatly in Classic fashion. The sporting month is marred by the tragic death of Tyrone minor footballer Paul McGirr.
July
Pete Sampras and Martina Hingis are set to marry as they are seen dancing together, this time at Wimbledon. Ireland shock international soccer world by getting grass stains on match balls on the way to a wonderful third in the World Youths Championships. Darren Clarke confirms Shanks sponsorship deal at the British Open. Meath receive ticking off from GAC for teasing Kildare unmercifully and have been warned as to future conduct.
August
Damon Hill plays Hungarian rhapsody on Yamaha organ. Sonia O'Sullivan's hopes come acropolis in Athens. Giancarlo Fisichella falls off podium, Eddie Irvine interviewed by stewards. Wilson Kipketer brings out new Eau de Cologne as Seb Coe's 16-year world record falls in Germany. Bigger Smurfit European Open Trophy called for after Per-Ulrik Johansson's success at the K-Club. Love-in at Winged foot as Davis Love shocks his family by failing to lose a Grand Slam title, the USPGA Championship.
September
Miguel Angel Martin to quit European Tour and attend law school. Seve Ballesteros to appear before court of Human Rights. Neville Maxwell and Tony O'Connor row in with a silver medal, while Clare beat Tipperary for the 15th time this year in All-Ireland hurling final. Mayo team to be sent to RADA in a bid to combat stage fright. The Schumachers enjoy a tête-a-tête at the Nurburgring, Eddie Jordan's team enter the record books when they take the season's tally to 33 points, nearly enough for the Fondue set in the Esso collection.
October
Tony Cascarino is hit by a stray cross as Ireland draw with Romania. In the play-off first leg, Ireland dominate for 11 minutes. The sherry is not the only thing that Michael Schumacher hits in Jerez, Villeneuve prefers champagne. It's veni, vidi, the boys done well for Glenn Hoddle's charges as England dust off the French phrasebook. Monaghan beat Waterford, two days into injury-time in the All-Ireland women's football final. Limerick reward Tom Ryan for winning the National Hurling League by appointing Eamon Cregan: Ger Loughnane is thrilled.
November
Parnell Park becomes the new orthodontics centre for Ireland. Dublin continue to take the mickey so Whelan resigns. Padraig Harrington and Paul McGinley grab lead roles in Baywatch spin-off, Kiawah nights. Richard Cockerill looks for an English translation to New Zealand HAKA. Skip Away does just that in the Breeders Cup. Connacht players arrested by custom officials who don't believe that they are in France to play rugby.
December
Playtex are to sponsor the new seniors tennis tour on the strength of Henri Leconte's distracting performance against John McEnroe. Dublin get a new Carr, four-wheel drive, a former army vehicle. No one can understand what Keith Nolan and Richard Coughlan are saying so they head back to the US. Ireland's soccer team is part of the third tier for the European Championships, lucky them. Billy Bremner dies.
