LockerRoom: Every ink-stained hack has a fallback plan for the day they get found out or the day they have to retire. Most of them are just flimsy parachute jobs spun in the imaginations of incorrigible optimists. Me? I have a sure-fire winner. Come retirement, I'll have one foot in the grave and one foot in the gravy.

It's a series, possibly a movie with a spin-off series, depending on Brad and Jennifer's availability, about, wait for it - drug testing.

You're thinking, yes, with the right lighting all those urine samples could look pretty glistening but there's more to it than that. There's the husband-and-wife drug-testing team, both driven by the knowledge that cheats cost, well, let's call a spade a spade here, they cost Jennifer Bloody Aniston a medal at the last Olympics.

You've got lots of buff, sweaty bodies. You've got great locations. You've got every story you've ever heard about drug testing thrown in there. You've got privacy issues. Transgender issues. Ethics issues. You've got golden boys and golden girls with reputations turned to dust. Small-town heroes who are big-time cheats. You've got winners and losers. You've got high-powered lawyers. You've got big-time cover-ups. You've got smarmy, charismatic, desperate coaches. You've got chases.

You've got sex. You've got sport. You've got heroes and heroines. You've got dupes. You've got frightened athletes and honest athletes and brazen athletes. Dealers, suppliers, chemists, agents, chancers.

Brad and Jennifer, of course, would have licence to rove across the whole spectrum. You'd have a crusty lab technician who trusts only Brad and Jennifer. You'd get us blinkered media oiks. Sometimes the good guys would win. Most times they wouldn't.

And now you'd have touts. Good old-fashioned squeal-to-save-their-hide snitches. Informers. Kelli White.

It's an idea whose time has come. Track and field is at a curious juncture right now. I'll bet the entire income from my movie and spin-off series that if the bigshots who run athletics could wind the clock back they'd bury the entire Balco business in a box 10,000 leagues beneath the sea. They prefer "dirty but lucrative" to "clean but slow" any day.

Balco/White, which is essentially a huge boon for clean sport, is a disaster for those who have thrived off running a system which supported what they would consider to be a tolerable level of cheating. We are facing into an Olympic summer and considering the prospect that during the second week in Athens there will be scarcely any believable feats. Kelli White could see to that.

Kelli White was perfect. Great athlete. Great back story. If you found sprinting a little hard to believe in she was painted the right colours for heroism. She had the sort of unassuming loveliness to her that marketing people just can't fake.

If you are fond of stereotypes try this. She's Californian by way of Jamaica. That's easy going, squared. Yet the urge to run fast is in her blood. Her mother, Debra Byfield, represented Jamaica in the Munich Olympics. Her father, Willie, is a well-known coach. Just the sort of steeped-in-the-sport people who love the purity of it too much to ever cheat. You'd think that wouldn't you? While she was in high school in Union City just outside San Francisco, some loon attacked Kelli White with a knife, slashing her this way and that at a rail station. She got over it. Got some perspective and lots of stitches. She ran.

Then last summer, all rippling muscle and skillet-hard body, she ran to a couple of golds in the World Championships in Paris. The World Athletics Championships are such a festival of fraud and deception these days it was hard to believe in her as she cavorted with the mandatory American flag wrapped around her. Yet Marion Jones and her, how shall we say it, extraordinarily poor choices in husbands and coaches but shrewd choices in lawyers (in high school she hired Johnny Cochran to get her off a missed-test rap) have left such a bad taste you hoped that Kelli might go the distance, hero-wise.

Next thing of course she was in a room explaining to journalists why she had a stimulant in her system. She was a narcoleptic! Like River Phoenix in My Own Private Idaho. Just kept falling asleep at the wrong time. Needed that Modafinil just to keep her awake for those 10 seconds. You know how comfy you can get on the blocks in the Stade de France before a final? Suddenly the starter's pistol becomes an alarm clock.

(There's a whole Brad 'n' Jennifer episode in my mind called Excuses - Somebody Mickey-finned My Toothpaste; Too Much Sex; I Don't Know How The Whiskey Got There; Sorry, I Fell Asleep Again.)

After the narcolepsy episode nobody with a brain believed in Kelli White anymore. Of course several people with columns in newspapers believed, but it has always been that way. Folks fall in love. Can't see the elephant in the loved one's parlour.

Anyway, Kelli awoke some time ago to hear that Balco had happened. The Feds were all over the bodega. The lab had produced a rat. Somebody was squealing.

So faced with a heap of evidence Kelli cut a deal. We live in a culture that doesn't laud touting but in the bigger-picture sense, Kelli White's deal is good for sport. Good and depressing.

It's hard to learn that not only did she use good old-fashioned steroids from Balco but spent three years tanking up on EPO and various masking agents and never tested positive.

Kelli White loses her World Championship golds in the 100 and 200 metres. One of the beneficiaries in a perfect illustration of how polluted the sport has become is Anastasiya Kapachinskaya, a Russian done for steroids this spring. Doh! Anastasiya will now be slipped a gold.

Kelli will be helping with enquiries from now on. A list of 27 seven names found on a leaked memo from Balco includes top names from boxing, swimming, gridiron, cycling and baseball. Plus 15 top track-and-field stars, including Marion Jones and Tim Montgomery.

Whatever secrets White may tell, we have learned one lesson already. The culture needs changing. Testing isn't enough. Athletics' insane desire to promote new heroes to replace fallen and disgraced old ones isn't enough. Instead of selling sneakers and advertising space the big backers need to be financing science and lobbying for wider powers of investigation.

The lesson of the 1998 Tour de France, of Conconi in Italy and now of Balco/White is that sport only gets cleaned up when it is recognised as a precious common resource belonging to all of us. It's only then that government agencies get involved in solving crimes against sport.

Mere testing of athletes won't do any longer. The pharmacists, the coaches, those long-hidden ganglions of supply need to be infiltrated and busted. We need to see the whole sordid underworld our heroes have been visiting when nobody is looking.

Time for Brad 'n' Jennifer.