Football, they say, is a serious business: the World Cup even more so. Don't try telling that to Georges Leekens. The Belgian coach knows that a win - probably even a draw - at Lansdowne Road today would take his side an awful long way towards a place in France next summer.

But in the space of 20 minutes of barking lunacy yesterday, Leekens - dubbed "Mack the Knife" in his playing days with Bruges - showed the surreal does have a part to play in football.

Hard-bitten hacks were left wide-eyed in disbelief after a stand-up routine that turned his pre-match news conference into sheer farce.

It was like watching Colin Murphy, that master of footballing gobbledegook, speaking with a French/Flemish accent, as Leekens outlined his personal philosophy in Killiney.

The starting point was the assessment of the game his players must expect from Mick McCarthy's side.

"This is not a game for nancyboys," declared Leekens, not exactly nailing his colours to the mast of political correctness. "There can be no place for them - we are playing for the World Cup, not a peanut.

"The first 20 minutes will tell us what honour my players have. What we need is men, players who will stand up and face the Hell of Dublin, although it will be a nice Hell, a sporting Hell.

"We do not have to be scared of this - but that's easy for me to say, because I was never afraid of anything. I have told my players that they must be up for it. If they are not, it would be death!"

Compared to what followed, that was almost cogent.

First, it was pick-a-victim time. "You have a question, I see," he said, looking at one hapless would-be interrogator. You have problems with your wife? No, you don't."

Then, tangentially, back to football. "You must play with your instincts," Leekens declared. "But you must not look for miracles. In football, miracles are bulls**t.

"It means you need confidence, not nonchalance. You cannot go on the pitch smoking a cigarette.

"What I'm saying, I have told my players that they must be confident. If you are not confident, you are finished, in every way.

"You need to bring things from people. I am ugly, I know, but I have some qualities. That man over there is not so nice, but he has qualities. You just have to find them."

By now, it was open season as Leekens, writing off his side - "It is 80/20 against us" - at the same time as he claimed they could triumph - "We have a 50/50 chance" - confirmed his team.

With midfielder Enzo Scifo, striker Luis Oliveira, sweeper Lorenzo Staelens and Newcastle's Philippe Albert missing for a variety of reasons, the Belgians are less than full-strength.

International novices Michael Verstraeten - "You don't know him, but nor does anybody in Belgium" - and Gordan Vidovic will play in front of stand-in sweeper Eric Van Meir, with veteran Franky Van Der Elst anchoring midfield.

Leekens added: "I've given my team to the Belgian press, so I will give it to the Irish press as well - if I don't they will only tell you, because you are all friends together.

"It is the same with managers. Bobby Gould gave information to Mick McCarthy after we played Wales.

"But we let them back into the game in the second half because I wanted to surprise Ireland. I hope Mick McCarthy saw the game!

"I've brought back my old one, Franky Van Der Elst, even though he's 46 . . . I mean 36.

"I even tried to talk to my friend in the technical commission to see if he would play. Unfortunately he's getting a little bit fat."

Leekens admitted Albert's unexpected international retirement last week was a blow, although not one he will dwell on.

"If you're talking about what might have happened, it's like sitting in a pub drinking a pint of Guinness, saying how great the old times were, before we started getting on."

As for research, Leekens poured cold water on the theory that you can never be too prepared.

"There will be a lot of crosses, Ray Houghton will run and run and run, and Tony Cascarino will be a danger - even when he's dead he'll be picking the right moment and scoring from his grave," he predicted.

"We've watched them twice, and seen a few videos. I didn't see them 38 times though, like McCarthy says he watched us.

"I don't think that's possible. I did my maths you see. That's 38 times 90 minutes - that's two months and the draw was only three weeks ago!"

By now, the game was becoming a forgotten side-issue, precisely Leekens' idea.

"I love the Irish supporters," he said. "In the USA in Orlando 1994 I was with them, going out with them. I enjoyed myself, but I have forgotten the songs.

"I hope I can remember them by the second leg. Then I will know if it was better for us to play at home last. Hopefully I will be giving you all champagne to celebrate!

"Anyhow, it would be good for France for us to win - after all, we're only next door.

"But what I think isn't important, nor is what McCarthy thinks. It's what happens on the pitch that counts. That is the ultimate end, and so is this."

With that, he upped sticks and walked out, the show over. There, at the very end, came the real truth.