World Cup TV View: The morning after the night before. In time we might be big enough to forgive, but we'll never forget Ukraine and Switzerland. Ever. If Dr Spock were still alive he'd be advising parents to threaten their misbehaving kiddies with having to watch an uncut video of the game. They wouldn't just eat their greens, they'd beg for more, writes Mary Hannigan.
You'd wonder, is that how the world felt about us after that 0-0 with Egypt? Well, regrettably, yes, according to yesterday's Guardian. "There was a faint air of hypocrisy about BBC analyst Mick McCarthy berating Switzerland and Ukraine in last night's World Cup knock-out game," they said, reminding us that he was a member of a team that bored the world senseless in Italia '90. "Not much sign of commitment to exciting, attacking football there, Mick," they sniffed.
That hurt. Call us inbred demented whiskey-swilling bare-footed bog-trottin' pig-faced rosary-bead-wielding muck savages, but don't tell us our 1990 team played football as mind-numbing as that produced by Ukraine and Switzerland. Did we?
On we go. Surely Brazil v Ghana and France v Spain would restore our will to live? "Well, it's Day 19 in the World Cup and Peter Collins, Eamon Dunphy and John Giles are in the Diary Room as Brazil take on Ghana to find out who gets evicted," said the RTÉ announcer as she introduced the first of yesterday's games.
Now, there's an idea: chuck Giles, Dunphy, Brady and Co into the Big Brother house along with, say, McCarthy, Ian Wright, Ally McCoist and Leonardo. Sublime. Tank them up on flagons of cheap cider, sit back and enjoy. "Big Brother house, this is Davina, you are live on television, please do not swear."
"**** off Davina," they'd all reply, apart from Leonardo, who'd be overwhelmed by the RTÉ gang's "big personality".
Brazil v Ghana. Giles and Dunphy reckoned there was a whiff of an upset in the air, but the latter wondered if Ghana's legs would turn to rubber, so overwhelmed might they be by the sight of those yellow shirts.
"There's an innocence about them, a naivety in certain situations," Gilesie said of Ghana, leaving us sighing with exasperation. Ah cripes, Gilesie, enough.
First half? There was an innocence about Ghana, a naivety in certain situations, their offside trap proving as watertight as, well, a sieve.
George Hamilton: "Oooh, onside! Adriano! Adrianoooo! Must scooooore!"
"Ahem," said Ronaldo, before George corrected himself.
"Ronaldo. Breaks. The. Record," he said, leaving us all wondering what the fella would do if he were fit. Ronaldo, not George.
Adrianoooo, who looks like Brian Deane and often plays like him, did, eventually, score, even though he was the only Brazilian all afternoon to fail to break Ghana's offside trap. "Adriano was offside there but he wasn't active, he was so inactive he scored the goal," as Gilesie explained at half-time.
A bit of a dampish squib in the end.
Gilesie pointed out that he would never have tipped Ghana if he knew they were going to play "such a high line". "I just don't understand it," he said.
"They wanted to get tight up their backsides, that's why," explained Dunphy.
"Big Brother house, this is Gilesie. You're live on television, please do not be smutty."
Na, he just giggled, and Peter pined for Moto GP.
France v Spain. Imagine being Spanish and being stuck in the office as your national anthem fills the Hanover air and your team are about to do battle with your beloved neighbours for a place in the World Cup quarter-finals. Yep, Rafael Nadal (nephew, as it happens, of The Beast of Barcelona himself, Miguel Angel Nadal) was trying to see off Alex Bogdanovic on court number one over on BBC2 as his country kicked off. Gutted was the only word.
Back to Hanover, seven minutes to go, looks like a tie-break will be required. But then Patrick Vieira rushes the net and, as the great Dan Maskell might have put it, "Oooooh, I say". And then ZZ, eh, tops it all. Game, set and match. On they Allez.
