Well, when humiliation comes it arrives gift-wrapped and in a catering-size pack. All week the papers buzzed about what an embarrassment it would be to Liverpool FC if old Robbie Fowler stuck a goal or two past them at Elland Road yesterday. That would show them a thing or two about offloading God.
Of course, Emile Heskey, whose impersonation of a stick has been flawless all season, shows up and scores twice. Rio Ferdinand (priceless!) scores a cracker of an og and Michael Owen underlines why he's still at Anfield with a last-minute goal. A gratuitous post script to a bad newsletter.
What Leeds need is adversity. They went through December under the cloud of the Woodgate and Bowyer verdicts and the O'Leary book. And on January 1st they were top of the league. The past month has been one of relative tranquillity, players returning from injury and nothing but the soft, persistent sound of Davo moaning and Danny Mills fouling.
And now Leeds are all but out of the championship and are looking dodgy for even a Champions League place. The two domestic cup competitions are excitements which they will be able to follow on the box. Leeds look like bad value for money.
Let's digress. Yesterday being a foul, windswept day, this column had little to do other than to fiddle with the stats in the Sunday papers. The results were far from interesting, but we'll regurgitate them here anyway.
Leeds (gasp!) have an abysmal record against top six sides. They have now fulfilled nine out of 10 scheduled meetings against Chelsea, Arsenal, Manchester United, Newcastle and Liverpool this season. They've lost four and drawn five, and alone among the high flyers have yet to beat another top six side.
This compares poorly with all their rivals except Manchester United, whose bizarre season includes seven games against top six opposition from which they have secured just one win and one draw.
If there is any consolation for Leeds it is that they have more games left against bottom six teams than any one of the top half dozen teams. Blackburn, Middlesbrough and Sunderland have yet to visit Elland Road, Leeds have yet to travel to Leicester, Derby and Bolton. Even this news must be tempered by knowledge that in their home games against the Prem's most wretched souls, Leicester, Derby and Bolton, Dave O'Leary's babies managed to drop four points.
All the contenders for the Premiership have good records against strugglers except Chelsea (P8 W3 D5). Those 10 dropped points are easily the biggest seepage to relegation-haunted teams. By contrast, Manchester United (P9 W7 D1 L0), Liverpool (P9 W6 D2 L1) , Arsenal (P9 W6 D3 L0) and Newcastle (P9 W7 D2 L0) all make short work of their inferiors.
AH, Newcastle. How other Premiership managers must despise Bobby Robson and his gentlemanly way. Newcastle are the refutation of every good excuse. For instance, Leeds fielded a side of 11 internationals at Elland Road yesterday and still lost four-nil. That some other internationals in their employ couldn't work doesn't really make for an adequate excuse.
Newcastle, by contrast, have bought modestly and smartly. They have a clean-cut, hard-working team. A year ago no one thought Andy O'Brien could be a top flight defender, Craig Bellamy contrived to look like a bad signing at Coventry, Shay Given looked brilliant but flaky, Aaron Hughes had a good future behind him. Newcastle were still suffering from the Keegan era of neglect of their youth system.
Since then Alan Shearer has been cattle- prodded out of listlessness. Given is happy and routinely brilliant. Hughes, Bellamy and O'Brien do the business. On Saturday, 18-year-old local kid Jamie McLen was sprung from the reserves to the centre of midfield. Lua Lua was away on international duty, Kieron Dyer was injured, but Robson wasn't howling in anguish.
Why would he be? Last week he'd done some good business getting rid of the consistently over- rated Warren Barton and completing the signing of Jermaine Jenas from Forest. Typical, low-key stuff. Jenas, the most quietly accomplished and level-headed of 18-year-olds will, in time, look like a bargain basement buy. By contrast, any team containing Fowler, Bowyer, Mills, Smith, Woodgate and Co starts to look a little unsavoury. Beside Newcastle, any other top six team look like an extravagance.
Leeds have problems which run deeper than most, however. What could best be learned from Robson is his positive thinking. Leeds have developed a siege mentality: everyone else is wrong. The club website carries the official daily whinge about everything from FA disciplinary measures, to players being required to play in internationals, to suggestions that the manager's recent book might have been in questionable taste. None of the coruscating self-criticism you hear from Roy Keane at Manchester United.
And the Irish guys are suffering. Maybury has left. Kelly is in the team right now because Mills is a serial hacker; otherwise he would be second fiddle. Ian Harte's form is woeful. Keane is down the pecking order of strikers. And has anybody ever needed a transfer more urgently than Steve McPhail does? Leeds and Ireland have been waiting a long time for McPhail's creativity to blossom fully. Perhaps that makes his case the most intriguing of all.
Back from injury in mid December, on the bench ever since watching the dray horse Seth Johnson play. It's not as if McPhail hasn't been doing well. Before yesterday the last time a Leeds United side faced a Liverpool side was in the reserve league on January 15th. Leeds won by what commentators call the odd goal in three. McPhail was instrumental in it all, pushing the ball hither and tither. The best player on the pitch.
Yet ever since and for the few weeks before McPhail has been making the first team squad, sometimes making the bench but not getting a minute of playing time.
Leeds' collapse is not just a Leeds problem. It's an Irish problem. Dave O'Leary needs to try something radical. The rest of us need his Irish workforce to start whistling a happy song. And soon. Otherwise we could all be getting a gift-size catering pack of humiliation come June.
