Beattie is muffin the fool: If Martians landed in Southampton tomorrow the local Daily Echo would probably have to relegate the news to the bottom left corner of page 26 because James Beattie's off-the-field activities take up most of its space.
Last week, for example, his £117,000 silver Lamborghini Gallardo - which he bought to celebrate the end of his drink-driving ban - was ruled out of action for a while after he ran it in to the back of a Volkswagen Golf and got wedged under the tow bar.
Worse, according to the Echo, Beattie had an altercation with a bowl of muffins in a Bournemouth bar - hey, which one of us hasn't? - which resulted in him receiving a police warning and being banned from the establishment.
Bar manager Tommy Roberts explained that the trouble started when Beattie "stuck his face in a bowl of muffins" and then "some glasses were smashed and drinks tipped on the floor".
At this point a peeved customer informed Beattie that he was "a knob", to which our footballer replied: "Do you want some?" We think he meant aggro, not muffins.
To cap it all Beattie missed Southampton's game against Crystal Palace on Saturday after failing a fitness test. Considering the week he'd had it was hardly a surprise.
Soothers lead to the baby blues
When we saw that Chelsea were apologising for selling a defective product we assumed they were saying sorry to Birmingham City for taking £2.2 million off them for Jesper Gronkjaer. Not so, as it proved. "As a safety precaution our quality department has identified a potential problem that may occur if Chelsea Soothers (bought between August 2003 and September 2004) are washed in detergent, particularly citrus and anti-bacterial washing up liquid. If you have purchased soothers please stop using them with immediate affect and return to store for a refund." At which point Jose Mourinho spat out his dummy. Well, he will do if they don't win the league.
Quotes of the week
"You get the feeling that football really is some kind of religion in Glasgow." - Graz AK assistant manager Klaus 'no flies on me' Schmidt after attending last week's Old Firm game.
"Comes in used, but fairly decent condition, just no management, man-management, motivation or technical prowess." - Description of Southampton manager Steve Wigley by the fan who put him up for sale on eBay last week.
"For me West Brom are the Klingons because they're playing 'cling on' football." - For this Jim 'Trekkie' Beglin should be ashamed.
"I don't accept not playing - I want to be playing - and I'm not learning to deal with it. I'm just dealing with it, if you like, because I don't want to ever learn how to deal with that." - Everton goalkeeper Richard Wright, struggling to deal with the English language.
"Sean Gregan was partly at fault for the second goal when his backpass came off Paul Butler's back legs and fell for Watford striker Bruce Dyer." - Leeds' official website suggesting Butler is an animal of a defender (as seen by Football 365).
Not a very Kleber admission
As you know Alex Ferguson wasn't best buddies with the Posh wife of a former midfielder of his, believing that she had a negative influence on his career. After the player departed to Madrid, Ferguson attempted to fill the void by signing Kleberson for £6 million. The Brazilian has proved to be as successful at Old Trafford as, oh, Garry Birtles, Massimo Taibi, Diego Forlan and Juan Veron. Upon hearing comments by Kleberson last week Ferguson probably thinks he now knows why: "I have my wife (17-year-old Dayane) as a coach," he said. "She knows a lot about football. She is always saying: 'You have to shoot there, you have to pass there'. So before every game I speak with her." Ferguson's response? Nobody was brave enough to ask.
Ant and Dec pay up to Toon in
Those lovable miniature Geordies, Ant and Dec, currently stationed in deepest Australia where they're presenting I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here, were aghast last week when they learned that Australian television wouldn't be showing Newcastle's UEFA Cup game against Sochaux. Did they, like regular folk, make do with a string of text messages from home? Nope. According to the Guardian they got in touch with TWI and bought the Australian broadcast rights for the match, and then sat back and watched it live by satellite on the I'm a Celebrity set. Before you accuse them of having more money than sense we should point out that the absence of a bidding war meant the rights cost a mere £420, the average cost of an Ant and Dec hair-do.
More quotes of the week
"Hopefully the wife was listening to the game on the radio and she'll have heard that I scored." - Steve Tosh after getting the winner for Aberdeen on Saturday - mere hours after his wife had a baby. Yeah Steve, she'd have been refreshed enough by then to tune in to Aberdeen v Dundee United.
"We are an open club, look at our squad: we've got a bald-headed Dane, a Peruvian international, Koreans and an American who happens to be black. We are not racist at all and it is ridiculous to accuse us of that." - PSV Eindhoven coach Guus Hiddink on his cosmopolitan squad, which even includes that rarest of minorities, a baldy Dane.
"We're not a good team. This is the first time I've lost six consecutive games. It is the worst run of my career and I don't know what to do. I'm very concerned about it but what can we do?" - Nourredine Naybet, enjoying life at Spurs.
"John Gregory was useless when he was at Aston Villa a couple of years ago, and there he is telling me how I should do it." - Spurs coach Martin Jol, warmly welcoming advice from Gregory.
Troussier finds a home
Type "Philippe Troussier linked with" in to your Google search box and then start counting the number of managerial jobs the French man has been on the verge of getting over the last couple of years. Yep, we lost count too after the Republic of Ireland, Scotland, Wales, Southampton, Sheffield Wednesday, Korea, Kobe, Spurs, France and Watford. It was with some relief, then, that we learnt on Saturday that Troussier has been appointed Marseille coach. At last, possessing one of the longer and wackier CVs in world football (CS Alencon, Red Star, ASEC Abidjan, Ivory Coast, CA Rabat, Nigeria, Burkina Faso, South Africa, Japan and Qatar) has done the trick.
