TV VIEW:AN UNANTICIPATED treat awaited when we tuned into the Sky Sports coverage of last Saturday's Tri-Nations Test between New Zealand and South Africa, writes John O'Sullivan.
Having just about remained awake during the pre-match ramblings of Sean Fitzpatrick and Gary Botha, we were experiencing, it is fair to say, a touch of dread about having the "happy-clappy" microphone musings of Miles Harrison and his Sancho Panza, Stuart Barnes.
The commentary buddies are perfectly acceptable in the afternoon, but first thing in the morning, they are far too chipper: it's a "too many superlatives before breakfast" thing.
Anyway for a clash between the All Blacks and the Springboks some one-eyed parochialism is much more entertaining.
Imagine our delight therefore when the London studio handed over to a match-commentary team comprising Grant Nesbit, Murray Mexted and Tony Johnson, the latter pestering players and officials on the sideline to provide snippets of largely irrelevant information, albeit delivered in stentorian tone.
Mexted, a former number eight and captain capped 34 times by New Zealand, and Nesbit have a wonderful disdain for euphemism. Allied to frank observations is Mexted's proclivity for often cringingly funny non-PC remarks.
At other times, well, he can probably best be described as New Zealand's answer to Murray Walker in terms of verbal slips-up.
Among his gems have been "Andy Ellis, the 21-year-old, who turned 22 a few weeks ago" and "I would not say he (Rico Gear) is the best left winger in the Super 14 but there are none better."
My favourite though is his observation that "strangely, in slow-motion replay, the ball seems to hang in the air for even longer."
He has informed us a player "ran like a bat" or was "trapped like a shag on the rocks".
Of course it is forbidden in a family newspaper to catalogue the more colourful of his similes and metaphors of a sexual nature; we can only offer a relatively demure example: "Paul Tito (now a Cardiff secondrow) looked like a blind man in a brothel, (he) just kept groping."
These light-hearted asides do not, however, detract from Mexted's innate understanding and reading of the game and his ability to offer insightful analysis.
Nor do they blunt his edge. When picking up a replay on Saturday of the footage that would subsequently get the Springbok hooker Bismarck du Plessis a three-week ban for "careless use of the forearm/hands" Mexted said, "Now we are going to see a replay of the eye gouge," at which point Nesbit quickly interjected, "alleged."
But the target of Mexted's and Nesbit's ire for this Tri-Nations clash was the inexperienced Australian referee Matt Goddard.
"Nesbo" was first to voice his misgivings but his microphone buddy initially chose a surprisingly conciliatory tone.
"He's probably a bit nervous," said Mexted. "It's a big game for him. He probably doesn't have that much experience."
Nesbit was mollified for the full two minutes before exploding: "That's a terrible decision, bringing them back for that. Watching the replay it's even worse than I first thought."
Mexted was soon in vocal harmony. After announcing Goddard had awarded over 30 penalties in a match between Argentina and Italy the previous week, the former All Black soon lamented: "every time he blows his whistle he wants to tell us about it."
It's true Goddard was probably overly officious, and given the match was being played under the new ELVs, the pace of the action was a little higher than usual.
Invariably, our commentators devoted greater scrutiny to penalties given against New Zealand, and after one particular whistle sonata - several loud blasts in rapid succession - Mexted proffered: "The rules are such that if you want to blow the whistle all day you can."
The All Blacks trailed at half-time, and a return to studio signalled an unwanted longueur for the viewer before the welcome Kiwi tones were restored.
For a brief period when it appeared the All Blacks might sneak a victory, the overview of proceedings was a little more chipper but then up popped the Springboks' diminutive scrumhalf Ricky Januarie with a stroke of genius to commandeer the headlines and the points.
It's impossible to substantiate, but we are almost certain we detected a tremor in Nesbit's tone suggesting that, as Januarie broke and chipped over Leon MacDonald's head, the ball might bounce in favour of the home team: it didn't as the world champions meted out their own punishment in the House of Pain, prevailing for the first time on New Zealand soil for 10 years.
All in all, it proved two hours of cracking entertainment, aurally and visually, for this viewer.
Pursuing a more gentle pace, TV Viewchecked out Auntie Beeb's coverage of Loch Lomond, whiling away a few pleasant hours watching Graeme McDowell underline his excellent form of late.
Nobody covers golf better - the BBC boasts an eclectic mix of commentary styles to suit most tastes - and it's with some relish we await the start of the season's third major and the station's morning-till-night coverage of the British Open at Royal Birkdale - Pádraig Harrington's defence starts on Thursday.
