LockerRoom has been shown a copy of the Olympics post-mortem questionnaire distributed to Irish athletes recently. Here is a sample.

Since 1984 Ireland has won one track and field medal. This is the fault of:

A Pat Hickey. B Patrick J Hickey. C Hickeys everywhere. D Other countries.

For much of the time since 1996 Irish swimming has been unfunded due to a child abuse scandal. In your view who/what is to blame then for the poor performance of Irish swimmers in Sydney.

A Pat Hickey. B The OCI. C The deep end. D Piranhas.

An Irish boxer steps into the ring at the Olympics and discovers to his surprise that he is fighting a southpaw. This is an example of:

A. How cunning Pat Hickey is. B. OCI dirty tricks. C. Bloody foreigners. D. Bad luck.

An Irish badminton player draws the silver medallist from the previous Olympics in the first round of the Games. This proves that. . .

A. Pat Hickey is a pox-bottle. B. Juan Antonio Samaranch has it in for us. C. Badminton players get great tans. D. We need the Bertie-Bowl.

Irish rowers do far worse than expected. This is the responsibility of:

A Blazers. B Journalists. C Hickey. D The uphill course.

The ideal person to lead the Irish Olympic movement should:

A. Be alive and well and living in Paris. B. Have dated Anne Doyle. C. Have created this questionnaire. D. Be rich.

The best thing about being an Irish Olympian is:

A. Going on the big airplane. B. The free food. C. Fit looking chicks/guys D. The infighting.

Of 34 Irish track athletes with the A standard qualification only one reached a final in Sydney. The solution to this is:

A. To send athletes with the slower B standard. B. Have 30 people per final. C. Blame Pat Hickey. D. No change in Athletics Ireland.

Of the £4,067,592 in Olympic year grants given by the Irish Sports Council in January 2000 athletics (£400,949) sailing (£281,889), tennis (£221,889) boxing (£215,536) canoeing (£198,163) swimming (£164,243) and cycling (£143,243) accounted for pounds) 1.62 million or 45 per cent of the funds. Each will vote for Richard Burrows. The remaining money was divided between 52 other organisations. These figures suggest that these seven sports:

A. Know which side their bread is buttered on. B. Have little to be complaining about. C. Should have brought home lots of medals. D. Are more important than other sports.

By permitting only recent Olympians to join its ranks the Athletes Commission:

A. Perpetuates the very system it purports to criticise. B. Keeps things cosy.C. Ensures that track and field will dominate. D. Marginalises itself.

The opinions and views of elite athletes are:

A. Very, very important. B. Of tantamount importance. C. Infallible. D. All that matters.

The opinions of ordinary athletes are:

A. Insufferable. B. Plain embarrassing. C. Not to be found in newspapers. D. Drug free.

Successful Irish track athletes have always:

A. Been to college in America. B. Owed everything to The Artists Formerly Known as BLE. C. Been deemed unsuitable to run athletics in Ireland. D. Been few and far between.

During the Sydney Games it was said of Athletics Ireland that it wasn't "an athlete friendly situation", "that we in Athletics Ireland need to get more professional" (Patsey McGonagle Irish athletics team manager) and "it has gone beyond the time for change, that's not just my view but the view of the vast majority of people inside and outside Irish athletics" (Eamon Coghlan). This suggests that:

A. Pat Hickey runs Athletics Ireland. B. Pat Hickey wasn't wrong in the gear row but it would have been helpful had he been. C. People in glasshouses are throwing stones. D. Eamon never misses a bun-fight.

Getting rid of Pat Hickey will:

A. Make up for not having a series of trained full-time sports executives in place. B. Make up for the absence of a long-term fully funded sports strategy. C. Make up for all that lottery money which is supposed to go to sport but doesn't. D. Make the IOC give extra accreditations to Sports Ministers.

At the last Olympics he attended Michael Carruth won a gold medal and had no complaints. Since then the Irish Amateur Boxing Association has torn itself apart internally and imperilled its funding by declining to name a drugs cheat while Michael has gone on to be a professional in what is the most perfectly ad- ministered sport in the world. This implies that:

A. Something is bugging Michael. B. Michael sees the big picture. C. Eaten bread is soon forgotten. D. Boxers should wear head gear.

The Irish public expects:

A. More infighting. B. More scandals. C. Another gear row. D. That the Minister can bring his entire constituency to the next Olympics.

(This questionnaire is confidential and has been commissioned by the Irish Sports Council. The final report, a distillation of the views of 40 very disappointed athletes will be released during the internal elections of another sports body. Fingers crossed!).