TV View: The sports editor's diktat was unequivocal: "The television column is not to contain any references to rugby union this week. People will start thinking that it's a rugby column."
Fair enough. It sounds a straightforward assignment. But given that this article is also not allowed to include any critique of the televising of the soccer World Cup, the pickings were slim.
Well, the mainstream ones were. This column possesses a phobia about watching golf on Sky Sports lest Ewan Murray and "Colonel" Bruce Critchley be found in the commentary booth. The prattle sets the teeth on edge, akin to nails being drawn down a blackboard.
Everything is wonderful about that week's particular tournament; every elite golfer is brilliant; there is mitigation for every poor shot, duffed chip and errant drive. The duo provide the ultimate in soft-focus commentary, and it's difficult to escape the feeling the pictures should be bordered by fluffy clouds and bunny rabbits.
The world of professional golf is cosseted enough without recourse to the layers of vocal pampering ladled on by Murray and Critchley as they wax lyrical. They are rarely even mildly critical of the sport's elite, the only change in pitch from the default reverential tone occurring when a hapless journeymen incurs some misfortune.
Only then is it possible to discern the tut-tutting as Jimmy Callaway sinks below the cut line and heads off to Wendy Burger for his evening meal.
Utterances like "He won't be happy with that" as a player hits the roof of a marquee bordering a fairway illustrate the cutting- edge comment at its sharpest. Not happy? Really? Honestly?
It's not to suggest that Murray and Critchley don't know the sport - for instance Murray is a respected coach - aren't kind to animals and the elderly or aren't personable, but it's hard to escape the fact that Sky want everything tied up in a nice pretty bow. It's almost possible to see the equation forming: "be nice to players, rave about venue, hype up the whole shooting match" equals "rights to buy the live golf ad nauseam". Holy matrimony, as Batman didn't say.
This is perhaps a slightly long-winded diatribe about the fact the column didn't watch any golf on television this week. The list was narrowing.
Scouring the listings, it leaped from a sea of type. Tight Lines is a programme about fishing.
It's a wonderful name inspiring so many images. However, after 20 minutes, the will to live was fading - fast. Even armed with a glossary of fishing terms it couldn't revive a passing interest. The programme should have been preceded by a warning in the opening credits: Specialist Knowledge Required. Philistines Switch Over to Drag Racing (note: cars not men dressed as women). It was a monumental gaffe.
Still, it's possible to find something when not looking, as a fortune cookie once observed. In a brief lull in what was otherwise a hectic week of work, this column happened across the Féile na nGael from Cork. It is an All-Ireland club under-14 hurling tournament, with teams graded by ability.
Setanta Sports provided the coverage and it was an absolute joy, from the understated commentary to, on the pitch, honesty of endeavour and unquenchable spirit. It was all about winning but softened by the innocence of youth: determination without malice.
All the matches had qualities to recommend them, not always focusing on the ability of the participants. It's so easy to overhype underage sport, but Setanta's coverage managed to avoid the pitfalls. The tournament was important to the children that took part, their parents and the clubs, but ultimately it seemed to be tempered by the realisation that, at that age, it still should be foremost just a game.
This column apologises in advance but it's impossible to sign off without referring to the coverage of the Under-21 Rugby World Cup on Setanta Sport and Sky Sports. It was an opportunity to watch several future stars of the sport in action, including a glimpse at Ireland's current crop. They put behind them a disappointing Six Nations Championship to acquit themselves capably at this tournament.
A snapshot of the future? Possibly. A valuable insight for those who could not attend the tournament? Definitely. It should be recalled that Leinster and Ireland number eight Jamie Heaslip made a huge impression at this level en route to an Under-21 World Cup final appearance in Glasgow. He has delivered in emphatic fashion on that pedigree on the evidence of his performances in the Heineken European Cup last season and the Churchill Cup earlier in the month; his full Ireland cap isn't far away.
Two players with whom he shared that Under-21 World Cup final stage, Jerome Kaino and Luke McAlister, have played for the All Blacks.
All three of the aforementioned players along with South African flier Bryan Habana were shortlisted for the Under-21 World Player of the Year, an award Kaino won.
It'll be interesting to see who of the current Irish Under-21 team will have a professional contract in three years' time.
Time, though, to broaden the horizons and get off the rugby perch. Sorry.
