TV VIEW:A TASTY prospect, it has to be said. On the menu: England's Barcelona against Spain's Arsenal. Tiki taka heaven, or 'tippy-tappy', as Graeme Souness describes it. Or "rat-a-tat" as ITV's Andy Townsend dubbed it last night. John Giles just calls it "good football, Bill", which is the gist of it.
Giles, though, wasn’t convinced that Arselona and Barcenal were indistinguishable – Arsenal, he said, “were attractive but not always effective”, whereas Barcelona are both, in a drop dead gorgeous kind of way.
True enough. Indeed, when the draw for the round was made you’d imagine Arsene Wenger tried to convince himself he hadn’t seen it.
Lucky Arsenal? Right.
First, though, before we could settle down for the tiki taka tippy-tappy rat-a-tat footballing feast, Tuesday night’s Champions League action had to be reviewed.
Two words: Gennaro Gattuso. Moody divil. Bill O’Herlihy, who could only conclude that the Italian “must be a real headbanger”, marvelled at Joe Jordan’s restraint when Gattuso head-butted him, but Eamon Dunphy pointed out that, for Jordan, that was just “an average Friday night in Glasgow”.
Bill wondered if this was racist, but Giles was more concerned about sexism, in light of recent happenings. Ray Houghton, who feared the night would finish with him being relegated to TalkSport, just wanted the football to begin.
Dunphy: “Gattuso’s wife is from Scotland – you’d get the loaf put on you in Glasgow, wouldn’t you Ray?” Ray: “Yeah, the Glasgow kiss, they call it.” Giles: “This is not an Andy Gray moment, is it Bill? Is this an Andy Gray moment for you Eamon? His wife is from Glasgow? What does that mean?” Dunphy: “Yeah, his wife is from Glasgow.” Giles: “Do you think she’s being teaching him to give the nut?” Dunphy: “Exactly.” Bill: “We’re going to leave it there.” (It should be pointed out that Gattuso’s wife is actually a Scottish woman of Italian descent who he met in Canada. He married her in Kenya and they honeymooned in Spiddal. No, we made the last bit up, but still, it’s a teeny world all the same).
Anyway, back to the football, Giles reckoning that Barcelona could “out-Arsenal Arsenal”, which Pep Guardiola had to hope didn’t mean his defending like in that second half against Newcastle.
Teams out. Arsenal goalkeeper Wojciech Szczesny, every Scrabble player’s dream, wearing the number 53 shirt, which tells you how many tries they’ve had at replacing David Seaman.
Off we went. After 25 minutes we flicked over to CNN and there it was, “Breaking News: Misplaced pass by Xavi at the Emirates!” Actually, this little bundle of sublimity misplaced three passes in that first half, which suggests, sadly, that his footballing powers are on the wane. Granted, he completed 48 of 51, but still.
Then. Messi. Villa. Goal. Just like that. Either side of it? Tiki taka tippy-tappy rat-a-tat splendor.
Half-time.
Bill: “Marvellous!” Ray: “Pulsating!” Bill: “Magical!” Ray: “Brilliant!” Dunphy: “Wonderful!” Bill: “A masterclass!” Giles: “Good football, Bill.” “One very interesting statistic,” said Bill, “Barcelona made 303 passes against Arsenal’s 145.”
We think – but we could be entirely wrong – we heard a loud snoring noise from the panel. Might have been Giles, he’s as fond of statistics as Gennaro Gattuso is of retired Scottish centre forwards missing a front tooth or two.
Second half. It was like taking your seat in the theatre. Act II of the Barca masterclass? Yep, well, apart from Van Persie and Arshavin’s interventions. Ah here. Arselona had out-Barcenaled Barcenal. Who’d have thunk it? Which was precisely Bill’s thought on the matter.
“Who would have believed it, John,” he half gasped. “Well, it shows Barcelona are only human, Bill,” Giles replied, a response that left Bill’s bottom lip trembling, like that of a child told by a fibber of an adult that there’s no such thing as Santa.
The Santa-denier probably doesn’t believe in climate change either, so the kiddie needn’t worry, but Giles spoke the brutal truth: Barcelona are only human. Like Superman.
So, they’ll emerge from their phone box in the second leg and teach Arsenal a tiki taka tippy-tappy rat-a-tat lesson. Unless, of course, Arselona show up and give them a Glasgow kiss, a la Gino Gattuso’s wife.
