Caddie's role: Carrying a bag at AugustaCaddie to Paul Lawrie: I think I would have found a lucrative niche in the 2002 Masters market if I had a shoe-shine stand on Washington Avenue outside the Augusta National golf club. If that little venture didn't work, then selling golf course deodorant by the bag- full to the prestigious club may well have proved profitable. The golf course was a stinking bog last weekend.
The bog may have been apparent to those of you watching on TV. That form of media has not found a way to portray odour though; believe me, it was reeking. It was a tough week for shoes, given that the course was reduced to a rich, rippling stew- like surface on the spectator trail.
The patrons in the stand beside the 14th tee were in prime position last Saturday. Not only did they have a spectacular view of the 13th green, which the players were attacking with gusto given that it was the only generous pin of the week on that hole.
But they also had a great view of the most treacherous spectator cross-path on the course. If play permitted, the idle mob in the "bleachers" (as they call stands in the US) cackled with hilarity as yet another wobbly walker took a dive in the mushy mess that was the 14th crossing. Talk about a good walk spoiled.
Not only was Augusta one big, muddy and slippery slope, it was an extremely stinky one. Why it stank so much is open to debate.
With maximum capacity patronage as always, trudging over the carefully-plotted viewer route at Augusta, naturally the grass was stomped into submission and slow decay. One theory is that there is only one way to have such a vast area of grass, weed free. That, of course, is by using chemicals and plenty of them.
There seemed to be a greasy film all over the course. All those rich shades of green do not come about un-nurtured.
The debate continues about the whiffy Augusta National; due to the oath of secrecy taken by all employees we will have to surmise as to what magic potion they brew up in the bowels of the maintenance compound to produce such a disagreeable smell.
It is a comfort to know that the green-jacketed gentlemen cannot control every eventuality in this outdoor sport.
The pros seemed to outweigh the cons concerning the changes made by the esteemed course architect, Tom Fazio, to the Augusta course.
I have never been to a course before that has been altered without leaving some evidence of change. That is until I returned to Augusta last week. Forensic scientists would have been hard pressed to identify where the previous tees had been on the redesigned holes.
It seemed that on most of the lengthened holes, the authorities struck a perfect balance between the distance added and the distance gained by the top players with modern golf balls and drivers. The 14th and 18th holes were considerably longer. Despite its length, Tiger still chose to hit three-wood off the 14th tee every day. At 440 yards, uphill and playing into the wind all week, it would be fair to say that the changes had certainly not "Tiger proofed" the course.
Woods obviously thrived on the revamped Augusta National, unlike the older, ceremonial players such as Sam Snead, who made a creditable pass at his traditional opening tee shot for a 90-year-old. Unfortunately his shot veered right and hit a spectator square on the face some 150 yards away.
Arnold Palmer made a tear-jerking finale to his Masters. His dignity was preserved by the scorekeepers, who left a blank space beside his name towards the end of his last round at Augusta.
If there was any solace for those who missed the cut last week it was that they did not have to endure the final two fetid rounds at Augusta National and have to throw their shoes out at the end of it. I am sure the green- jacketed gentlemen are addressing the problem as you read and it will be a sweet smelling Augusta come rain or shine next year.
