ON THE COUCH:Fidel may question our geography but we won't be looking outside Europe in this African drama

WE HAD to read between the lines a bit but when Fidel Castro was reported as declaring that a Dutch victory last night would result in “a final between two European countries that would be as colourless and unhistorical as any since the sport was born in the world”, we took it that he might just be rooting for Uruguay.

Mind you, he was a bit rude when he suggested that “the vast majority of football fans do not even know what continent Uruguay is in”, but, that aside, how could you not want the Australiasians to beat the Netherlands-stroke-Holland?

There was just something exquisitely lovely about the thought of Diego Forlan lifting the World Cup, the same fella who was renamed Diego Forlorn when he took eight months to score his first goal for Manchester United. That’s when they started selling the “I saw Forlan score” T-shirts.

Didi Hamman, on RTÉ duty last night, saluted Forlan for recovering from that dark period in his career, which the German largely put down to the misery of trying to partner Ruud van Nistelrooy, and hailed him for transforming himself in to one of the world’s very best forwards.

RTÉ then played a little montage of Diego’s finest moments to the tune of Bob Marley’s Iron Lion Zion, a song about Rastafarianism, Ethiopia, the Lion of Judah, Haile Selassie and that class of thing. Diego is most certainly lion-hearted, but beyond that we were struggling for the link.

There was no sign of Liam Brady last night, his enthusiasm for the team he’d back to win the World Cup perhaps having been Oranje-ed out in the quarter-finals, but Gilesie and Dunphy were in action, both tipping-ish Liam’s tips. “They were bordering on the over-tough against Brazil, Bill,” said Gilesie, which is code for “they were ankle-snapping louts”, but he suspected that hint of steel would see them through.

Over on ITV the panel was expressing bewilderment at the absence of internal strife in the Dutch camp, that aligned to Germany playing free-flowing total football and Brazil having midfielders with all the guile of Robbie Savage, leaving them wondering if everything they thought they knew about football was wrong, so to speak.

“When we were in a tournament we always shoot ourselves in the leg,” famed Dutch coach Foppe de Haan told ITV, recalling those aggro-packed Dutch days. But now? “All is calm.” Could this be the best Dutch team ever? Foppe smiled, nodded and said “no”. 1974, that was the pinnacle. Dirk Kuyt (Liverpool’s Diego Forlan, adored for his lion-heartedness, just a touch reluctant to actually score on a regular basis) with a World Cup winner’s medal? Johan Cruyff with none? Foppe needed a lie down.

Anthems. We half-hoped Uruguay would go with Iron Lion Zion, but they stuck with their own. And on his own in the ITV commentary box was Clive Tyldesley, Jim Beglin having taken ill earlier in the day, he told us. Clive seemed to find this solo act as strange as ourselves, leaving little silences for his buddy to fill. And little silences they remained.

Mark van Bommel? We checked Fifa’s website last night to see if they had a rule that exempted this delinquent from being booked, regardless of how many times he leaves his studs in an opponent’s shin. Still looking.

Van Bommel leaves studs in an opponent’s shin, referee exempts him from a booking, ball ends up with van Bronckhorst, goal. Displeased.

Diego. Left foot. You thing of exquisitely loveliness.

Half-time. More exquisite beauty, from ITV. No, no, not Kevin Keegan’s analysis, shots of the crowd in Amsterdam watching Van Bronckhorst’s goal on a very, very big screen, the sea of bouncing Oranjes a sight to behold. But it was in the hapenny place next to the scene in Montevideo when Diego did his thing.

Back on RTÉ they were wondering about this Van Bommel booking exemption too. “This guy has rampaged through the World Cup kicking everything that moves and kicking things that don’t move until they do move,” said Dunphy. “Until they can’t move again,” said Gilesie.

Second half. Sneijder. Robben. 3-1. Diego taken off. The New York Post was right: this sport is stupid anyway.

Uruguay pull one back. Could Robben’s high-fiving go down in the World Cup Hall of Chicken-Counting Fame? No.

“They’re not pretty on the eye,” said Gilesie of the victors, “they’re not a team you’d fall in love with,” said Dunphy, “too right” said the couch.