On The Sidelines

Poland's sports minister, Jacek Debski, has suspended the national soccer association's entire leadership after it repeatedly defied him. He has decided that it's his ball, metaphorically, and if the association are not going to play by his rules - or by any, as appears to be the case - then nobody is going to play.

Debski decided to suspend eight officials of the PZPN (Polish Soccer Association). "The PZPN has refused to accept our decisions and therefore our action was a little radical - but we couldn't do otherwise," admitted Pieter Krzykowski, spokesman for the government office for physical culture and tourism.

Poland's national team has repeatedly failed to qualify for European Championship and World Cup finals, while the domestic league is troubled by endless controversy. Debski has decided that the 18side premier league, which often fails to interest television and attracts low crowds, should be made into a super league of 10 sides.

"A radical move like this could mean the league would revive, while the PZPN has been very conservative," Krzykowski said. He pointed out that the minister had earlier suspended three PZPN officials, including president Marian Dziurowicz, after they rejected an inspection of their offices by the ministry.

Despite the suspensions, they had represented the PZPN at a UEFA congress and continued to attend meetings. "I don't know what the minister is up to. After years of honest work for Polish football I've been treated like a bandit," fumed PZPN vice-president Ryszard Kulesza.

The ministry has applied to a Warsaw court to appoint a lawyer as a caretaker who is expected to call a special congress of the PZPN to elect a new leadership. Despite their actions, an air of pessimism hangs over Polish football as insiders concede that this purge at the top won't solve anything, as all the tried and tested officials, trainers and referees are standing by their president.

The cancer which has riddled Polish football includes players who continue to perform hopelessly, referees who fix matches and officials who do dodgy deals.

So there you have it. Next time the FAI get embroiled in a crisis or get involved in a heinous crime - like not qualifying for the next European Championship finals - Bertie Ahern will be well within his rights to sack the lot of them at Merrion Square and devise a new blueprint. Mick McCarthy has been warned.

Of course, our friends the Poles aren't the only nation to have problems on and off the pitch. This week Turkish police detained two men in connection with an alleged attempt to fix a match at the weekend that helped determine the league championship.

The arrests came after Sekerspor's goalkeeper, Murat Akarsu, claimed two men had offered him a £100,000 bribe to concede a goal in Sunday's match against second-placed Fenerbahce.

Sekerspor's management told Akarsu to continue negotiations with the pair and alerted the police.

Fenerbahce denied any link with the detained men.

"There is absolutely no connection between our club and the people whose names have appeared in the newspapers," club spokesman Nuri Tuna said in a written statement.

Fenerbahce drew 1-1, which meant Istanbul rivals Galatasary clinched the league title by beating Istanbulspor 4-1.

Are you watching Man United?

Tiger Woods has been responsible for some king size headaches amongst the American youth since winning his US Masters title last year. The golfing sensation has been blamed for a spate of clubwielding accidents.

New York doctors say that since his success hospitals have been swamped by children with skull fractures caused by friends swinging golf clubs. Neurosurgeon Joshua Rosenow admitted: "When we asked the kids what had happened, they said they all wanted to be like Tiger."

A national hero, Woods has been responsible for an upsurge in the number of American children playing golf. There has been an increase of 29 per cent to 3.3 million in the number of five to 17-year-olds taking up the game.

A hot tip suggests that the Sporting Life is currently running its final furlongs before being retired next week on May 12th. The 139year-old racing paper is set to be incorporated into rival Racing Post.

Its future relaunch as a general sports paper remains something of an enigma, although the new owners, the Mirror Group, confirmed that it will definitely reappear as a national sports daily, but not until the autumn.

There will be over 100 redundancies, but Post editor Alan Byrne will not be one of them. The Mirror acquired the Racing Post from Sheikh Mohammed for the princely sum of £1.

Don McLean warned that it would happen in his classic song, American Pie, referring to `the day the music died'. But he couldn't have envisaged that the party poopers would be the English Rugby Football Union.

The RFU have decided to ban the respective musical ditties of the protagonists in today's cup final, Saracens and Wasps. They have declared Twickenham a music-free zone, much to the chagrin of the finalists.

Every time Saracens scored a try at home this season, it was accompanied with a quick blast of the 1950s hit, the Goon's Ying Tong Song. But the Wallace brothers, Paul and Richard, Paddy Johns and their team-mates will have to do without the high volume backing vocals of the Spike Milligan, Harry Secombe and Peter Sellars.

Every time Michael Lynagh kicked the ball between the posts, the fans were treated to a snatch of the Macerena. Wasps' musical tastes are equally diverse, as they outlined plans to unleash soul warbler James Brown and teenybop favourites Blur.

The RFU will permit Saracens to use one ingenious technical innovation, a remote control tractor that brings on Lynagh's kicking tee and then departs with equal haste. The teams also found time for a petty squabble concerning the hit movie/song Men in Black, with both laying claim to the title. Saracens seem to have won this preliminary battle, as they won the toss and Wasps have been forced to change into the away strip, an all-white ensemble.