TV View Johnny Watterson Day 18. Forget footballitis, panelitis is setting in. Fingers don't know which buttons to press on the remote control anymore. You think ITV or RTÉ and what you get when you hit the zapper is Eminem tugging his crotch on MTV. Scary.

Many are easily affected. RTÉ, ITV, BBC, no one escapes. Panelitis is spreading. Friends are beginning to play bird song and other wildlife noises rather than listen to the experts at half-time. The panellists just keep getting everything wrong. It's so upsetting. Why do they do this in the middle of the World Cup finals?

We expect the clichés and inaccurate predictions, the familiar camera angles and the stock phrases for Brazil, Ireland, the USA, Belgium. When we want Brazil represented the director says "pretty girl dancing samba in bikini" and that's what we get.

When we want Belgium the director says "the It's-a-knock-out crowd with the horns" and we get jolly Belgians. For Ireland he says "men with breasts in green" and, hey presto.

Yesterday the panellists told us to back Mexico over the USA and to bet the child's education money on it. They said put the mortgage on Brazil and even provided the simple images to keep us happy.

"Belgium are known as a boring side and sometimes they bore the opposition into submission," said Ron Atkinson. Belgium were a lumbering container ferry crossing the wintry English Channel, Brazil a cigar-shaped power boat on the glitzy Cote D'Azur.

Some of the English players were canvassed, as England would play the winners in four days.

"We're not interested in glamour. We're just here to play," said Sinclair.

"You never know, it's a funny old World Cup, we'll see," said David Beckham, somewhat less committed than a Nicky Butt tackle.

Rosy-cheeked Terry Venables cleverly summed up his symptoms of panelitis just before the match began.

"I pick the team I think will win, then I reverse it. So Belgium will win," he said.

Venables was almost right in his mirror image sort of way as boring Marc Wilmots popped up to head in what looked like a Belgium score, but was judged to have pushed his marker by the referee, "John Barnes' best friend when they were at school in Jamaica", Peter Prendergast.

"Belgium are looking the most likely winners at this stage," offered Clive Tyldsley as Brazil struggled to find the beautiful groove for their beautiful game. That was on 59 minutes and 56 seconds. Five minutes later his confidence grew.

"No Samba party this. Belgium are playing with more and more purpose, more and more poise," he said.

Before you could recite Pele's real name Brazil had scored their first goal.

"Well that's what they can do to you. Rivaldo has scored in every World Cup game so far," said Tyldsley, embarking on the expert's prerogative of instant revisionism.

"What England really want from this match is 30 minutes of extra time," said the canny Big Ron wearing his manager's hat. The director must then have said "something glamorous quick and not the Brazilian women" so they panned to Beckham, Teddy Sheringham and a glowing red annulus, which appeared to be the head of Paul Scholes, sitting in the stand.

Ronaldo struck again as Brazil inconsistently fired. Tyldsley could "hardly wait" for the England match. Think of it. A game England could lose and still go home proud.

"The conclusion is that England might just beat Brazil," concluded the ITV commentator, his disease becoming terminal.

Tyldsley's panelitis had evidently spread from the USA game in which Mexico had tried to play keepy-up with American substitute Cobi Jones.

In a match where the referee might have been red carded along with Mexican captain Rafael Marquez, Gary Lineker (who scored when England last beat Brazil in March 1990) reminded us of what the 2-0 win would mean in America.

"Back in the US it's the middle of the night so you can bet your bottom dollar that this triumph was greeted with massive snoring."

Marquez's martial arts attack and head-butt on Jones was as theatrical an assault as you will see in Japan while the subsequent two-pronged battering of the American's legs as he struggled to get off the ground with the ball drew Alan Hansen's sardonic summing up - "to be fair, they (Mexico) only got him three times".

That at least was accurate.