Ears all over the North pricked up last week in response to reports that the Irish Football Association has drawn up "a revolutionary plan" to reform the local game. Under its proposals, the IFA want a 12-club Premiership established under its auspices, instead of those of the Irish Football League.

One club chairman responded cheerily to the plan: "Football needs something to be done here and this could be it," he said enthusiastically. "There are many good points in it which merit consideration and are difficult to argue against," gushed another.

But wait. Before the 12 angry club chairmen take another step, we've got something to show them. While the IFA mandarins have been beavering away dreaming of a brave new era and games where the fans outnumber the RUC officers on duty, Out of the North has come up with its own blueprint for the future of Irish League soccer. In no particular order of importance, the recommendations are:

1. To address the issue of embarrassingly small crowds mentioned above, couldn't more of those same RUC officers be encouraged to turn up for work on match days in plain clothes? It would be a bit like those "no uniform" days schools organise from time to time to raise money for charity and would have the happy knock-on effect of giving television viewers the impression that the attendance was two or three times what it actually was.

2. Television coverage is crucial in our strategy. Unsuspecting rugby or hockey fanatics waiting for their old school's result on Saturday evenings should no longer have to witness the unedifying spectacle of 13 people cowering in the rain watching Ballyclare play Distillery. So we propose to get people out of the covered stands and onto the terraces towards which all the television cameras are pointing. Let's at least make it look like a proper league. An added bonus is that there will be someone there to throw the ball back into play.

3. If, however, the ball is absent from the field of play for a period of more than 90 seconds, the game should resume without it. And that should continue until someone notices the difference.

4. On the admittedly rare occasions that a young player of genuine ability and skill emerges, that same player should be withdrawn from the new Premier League as soon as is practicable. Any prospective improvement in standards will lead only to the alienation of the die-hards. The promising young player in question should be dealt with in one of two ways. Either he should be encouraged to retire so that his semi-legendary status as someone "as good as Georgie Best if he'd just got his chance" can be fostered; or, alternatively, he should be sold for a nominal fee to a struggling English third-division side where he can become the star performer in their reserve side

5. To encourage supporter participation, the new Premier League should award prizes for the most offensive sectarian chant and/or banner. Certain clubs that will enjoy an unfair advantage because they have been practising diligently for the past 30 years will be appropriately handicapped.

6. In the event of fans being unable to travel to games in certain towns because of blockades by "concerned residents' groups", the tie should be settled by way of a five-a-side game between the residents' groups from the respective areas. To promote fair play, however, burning vehicles and other material for roadblocks should not be allowed onto the field of play at any time.

7. The authors of the IFA report expressed concern at the number of games that teams are playing in all manner of competitions. It is time for prompt action because there most be some dark and dismal winter nights when there is not an insignificant, meaningless little local game being played somewhere across the North. Any new competition should be carefully scheduled in direct competition with attractive Champions' League games on television to ensure maximum apathy.

8. On the subject of Europe, given the dismal performances of Irish League sides in European competitions over the past 20 years, we propose an immediate withdrawal from all those competitions. That would then leave us free to invite clubs from countries of similar ability - the Faroe Islands, Luxembourg, Malta and Cyprus - to join us in a rival European Super League.

9. Journalistic interest in this new venture is likely to be intense. Therefore, a new rule will have to be strictly enforced. All those scribes who pound the local soccer beat will be required to give extensive coverage to every hamstring injury and groin strain which make players "major doubts for Saturday's big game". The current reporting of 90-95 per cent of these ailments in the local media is just not acceptable any more.

10. Staying with journalistic standards, Irish League soccer should always be the lead sports story in the Northern media on any given day. In the main, this edict has been observed in the past but we have noticed a worrying tendency during the 1990s to make GAA the top story the day after an Ulster county has won the All-Ireland football title. This is the thin end of the journalism wedge. Such shoddy practice should be nipped in the bud before it becomes common practice.

11. Managers and players alike should be given intensive media training. This should centre, in particular, on the adoption of the historical present tense by all concerned when asked by eager newspaper or television men to describe "that winning goal" or "that controversial incident." The use of this tense has made English Premiership football the credible force it is and we should be doing everything we can to emulate our sporting cousins across the water. As an example to the willing and able students, the following should be used as a model answer at the media training school: "He's just got the ball out on the wing, he's nipped inside the full back, he's whipped in a good cross and I've managed to leap like a salmon to nod it into the corner. Three points in the bag. Simple as that."

12. In the event of all the above being unacceptable to those charged with the future of local football, the IFA officials, the club chairmen, the mangers, the player and the supporter should consider relocating en masse to the Isle of Man. At least that way they would have a captive audience.