Becks way off target: We know David Beckham's penalty against Portugal was somewhat off target, but we thought the headline on Sky News' website was a touch exaggerated: "Penalty Lands In Spain". "David Beckham's wayward penalty, which helped end England's Euro 2004 dream, has ended up in northern Spain," read the story. Ah, lads.

But, as it turned out, the story was spot on. The penalty "landed in the hands of a 25-year-old Spaniard, Pablo Carral, who smuggled it out of the stadium and took it home to Galicia". "We were sitting in row Q," said Carral, "so you can imagine how much that shot missed by." Poor Becks.

Smart Guy

Guy Roux, who seems to have been coach of Auxerre since 1843, was on pundit duty in Portugal, working for French television. When stopped by a group of English reporters and asked for a quick chat, Roux was, at first, reluctant to speak in English, but eventually agreed - on one condition: "Please, speak slowly - and we cannot do this if you are from Liverpool."

Euro Talk

"I think he (David James) could become the hero if it goes to penalties."

- Tony Adams' preview of the England v Portugal game in the Daily Mail. Oops.

"Perhaps we need to give German teams a handicap, like in golf - a two-goal lead."

- Franz Beckenbauer, suggesting a novel way for Germany to become a force again.

"Shame on the Swiss referee, the Emmenthal-eating appeasement monkey who ruined the lives of millions of honest yeomen bearing their simple flag."

- Justin Cartwright, gracious in defeat in his Evening Standard piece.

Czech the patella fella

Thank you to the Sunday Mail for this: "The secret of Pavel Nedved's all-action style has been revealed by Czech team doctor Petr Krejci. He discovered the European Player of the Year's kneecap is split into three parts, which could explain his loping running style and ability to control the ball in tight situations.

"It's not the first time the star's anatomy has captivated a medic. Last year the Lazio club doctor declared Nedved had the most muscular buttocks he'd ever laid hands on. It is perhaps no coincidence that Pavel left the Rome club soon after and joined Juventus."

Blame it on Beckham

We'd have thought, considering their erstwhile affection for the fella, that the Asian press might have shown a bit more sympathy to David Beckham than their English brethren. Afraid not: "Footballer, pop star, philanderer, flop - in that chronological order, the short history of David Beckham." - The Singapore Sunday Times.

"In just one season, the world has witnessed the downfall of the game's most phenomenal brand, one so ubiquitous in its global attack that it seems such a shame he is now defenceless in defeat, because, with or without his famed right foot, the poor fellow really isn't skilful enough." - As above.

"The New Miss England" - The Times of India.

"Blow it like Beckham" - Singapore's Straits Times.

Odds-on cliche

There's a bookmaker out there who was offering odds on what would be the first BBC commentary cliche of the England v Portugal game. We emptied our savings account to put 2.62 on "he'll be disappointed with that", one of John "Motty" Motson's particular favourites, at odds of 14-1.

No joy. Barely was Motty's microphone switched on when he referred to the "1966 World Cup semi-final at Wembley, Bobby Charlton and Eusebio". Eusebio, you should know, was priced at 10 to 1. If Motty's spotted ambling about Lisbon in a sparkly new sheepskin coat, we'll demand an inquiry. Mind you, if he'd put 1,000 on Bulldog Spirit he'd be 50,000 richer by now.

More Euro Talk

"It is not the penalty spot's fault if David Beckham wants to impersonate Jonny Wilkinson. It seems that one player had a particular problem with the penalty spot, but none of the others. Everyone can draw their own conclusions."

- William Gaillard, UEFA's communications director. Ouch.

"They eat eggs and sausages for breakfast, drive on the left, play baseball with an oar, set times for drinking and think they are the best."

- Portuguese newspaper 24 Horas' tribute to the departing English.

"We mustn't think we're the best. We're among the four best. Now the recipe is, as we say in Brazil, feet on the ground, a little bit of chicken soup."

- Luiz Felipe Scolari, Portugal's coach, confusing us. Again.

"So close, so close. So bitter, so bitter. So terrible, so terrible."

- Swedish newspaper Aftonbladet keeping its chin up after that penalty shoot-out defeat.