Other soccer news in brief

What's in a name

Geoff Hurst was accused of treachery last week by the Sun after they learnt that he will star in a German tourist board advertising campaign. "Geoff Wurst", they've re-named him. Maintaining the theme the paper asked "what if our current England team all decided to follow in Sir Geoff's goose-steps?". Ready? Paul Rommelson; Lederhosen King, Rio Franz Ferdinand, John Jerry, Wayne Bridge Too Far; Shaun Reich Phillips, Frankfurter Lampard, David Beckhambauer, Joe Helmut Cole; Wayne Rhiney, Peter Krauts. U-Boats (err, "Subs"): Wes Braun, German Defoe, Merkel Owen. Manager: Sven Goering Eriksson. Laugh or cry? We're not sure.

Rewriting the script

As a Barcelona native and a diehard supporter of his hometown club film director Jaume Collet-Serra should really have been rather pleased to see Real Madrid knocked out of this season's Champions League. Not so. In fact, when they lost at home to Arsenal last month he was gutted.

Collet-Serra is the director of Goal! 2, the film that follows the fortunes of a Mexican player after he moves to Madrid, and which features appearances by most of the Real Madrid squad. The film, which is near completion and is due for release later this year, is to climax with . . . Madrid winning the Champions League.

Perhaps assuming that Arsenal had as much chance of beating Madrid at the Bernabeu as Togo have of winning the World Cup, Collet-Serra and his crew filmed the game with the intention of using it as the Champions League final in the film. As you might recall not only did Arsenal win, Madrid failed to score. Tricky. So, eh, how will Collet-Serra handle this difficulty? "Special effects," he sighed. So Real Madrid will beat Arsenal in the film? "Yes," he said. So impressed, you have to believe, will Real Madrid be by this rewriting of history you'd imagine they'll be tempted to appoint Collet-Serra as manager.

Quotes of the week

"We are very proud to be representing the Premier League and English football with both style and dignity . . . I must take my hat off to Real Madrid as after the game they behaved with class. You can't say that about everybody. I don't mean any clubs in particular."

Now, who d'you think Arsene Wenger was talking about?

"I'm not sure about Rio Ferdinand. I always suspect defenders who want to play football."

Jack Charlton. Obviously.

"The years weigh heavily, the kilos weigh heavily."

The caption in Spanish newspaper AS under a photo of Ronaldo and Raul at Highbury.

"If you look at what Liverpool strikers have done this season, Milan's scored more than all of them put together."

David O'Leary praises Milan Baros and rubs salt in Anfield wounds.

Cantona's vision

We'd pay a very large admission fee to watch Eric Cantona's all-time 11 in action but we fear, when a spot of defending is required, his back three (Junior, Franz Beckenbauer and Giacinto Faccheti) and Roy Keane might be a touch over-worked - the team has a front six of Carlos Valderrama, Diego Maradona, Garrincha, Johan Cruyff, Mario Kempes and the late George Best, and even an attacking goalkeeper (Rene "Scorpion Kick" Higuita).

Cantona, though, seems confident that Keane can cope with the workload. "Do I need to say why I've selected him," he said. "He was the best in midfield. He could play everywhere. He was so intelligent in how he played the game and let me tell you, it felt good to have him behind me for four seasons." (Note: no English or French players were picked, and only two from United. That's some snub to Darren Fletcher).

Famous last words

"When you travel with the players for big games like this you can see how up for it they are - and now they're going with a feeling of death. But the players will eat Arsenal."

Real Madrid president Fernando Martin.

"With all due respect to Barca I'm convinced we will come back."

Chelsea's Didier Drogba.

"I have faith because we have four of the best strikers in Europe. I am confident we have the team to overturn the lead Benfica hold. Nobody must forget we're the European champions and it's going to be very difficult for them to score at Anfield."

Liverpool's Luis Garcia.

"I don't think this game will be especially difficult because I have so much confidence in my team. I am even confident enough to think that if Benfica score a goal then we will score three and still go through. I saw nothing (in Lisbon) that we can't handle at Anfield."

Liverpool's Rafa Benitez.

"There are some signs Chelsea have hit the wall. Only time will tell how long it will last."

Alex Ferguson. (It lasted until the 92nd minute against Spurs on Saturday, when William Gallas let fly).

Hot airwaves

In case you missed it take yourself off to the Real Radio Wales website (http://wales.realradiofm.com/) and have a listen to last Monday's exchange between Robbie Savage and Leighton James. Let's just say it was a touch lively. James, the former Welsh international, is a pundit on the radio station and a friend of Welsh manager John Toshack, with whom Savage has hopelessly fallen out. Savage, who retired from international football after Toshack omitted him from his first squad, called in for a chat with James who, he said, had been "slaughtering me over the past few months".

The highlights: Savage: "If you don't think I can get in that Wales team I don't know what planet you're on."

James: "Hey, one day, when you have got a command of the English language Robbie you will perhaps become a pundit."

Presenter: "Oh now, steady on."

Savage: "You weren't a bad player but you weren't the greatest player in the world. You were technical, like, but you weren't the best tackler, you wouldn't go in for 50-50s as far as my father remembers. If I played against you these days, oh dear, dear."

James: "You wouldn't catch me son."

Savage: "You'll be on the phone to John Toshack after this calling me every name under the sun."

James: "On my daughter's life I won't - because I was on the phone to him before the programme."