Christmas comes late: We're worse to be encouraging this kind of thing, but here goes - you can blame Ciarán.
"An alleged true story from an Arsenal season-ticket holder. His season-ticket last year was an absolute plum seat halfway up the Highbury main stand close to the halfway line. In other words, a TV camera style view.
"After the first few games of the season it became apparent that despite all the home games being sell-outs, the two seats on his left were always empty. This continued until just after Christmas, when all of a sudden a guy and his young son appeared there.
"After a few weeks of sitting next to this guy and his son, he decided to ask if the guy knew why the seats had been empty for half the season. The response is legendary: 'Yeah, don't even go there mate. The wife bought me and my son a season ticket, but decided it would be a nice idea to give us them for Christmas'."
Quotes of the Week
"I see they are wearing the white of Real Madrid - that's like a red rag to a bull."
- A week late, but it's worth the wait: David Pleat commenting on the white kit Chelsea wore against Barcelona.
"In the cold light of day you go to bed at night thinking about the chances you've missed."
- David Platt leaves us confused. Very confused.
"Ballack is lost over there. The passes from his team-mates fly over his head like airplanes. If he needed the money he ought to have joined Real Madrid."
- Getafe's German coach Bernd Schuster, worried that Michael Ballack will get a crick in his neck at Stamford Bridge.
"I'd like to put a sticker on my head that says 'Doing fine thanks, don't ask'."
- If you bump in to Michael Owen, whatever you do don't inquire about his knee injury.
"There is very little movement from Manchester City's midfield players. In fact, if they are planning on playing Dietmar Hamman in their next game they will have to write to the council for planning permission."
- A BBC Radio Manchester commentator noting a somewhat static performance from our Didi.
"I went to Tesco on Sunday and it was crazy. You go to Tesco in Middlesbrough on a Sunday and you can hear the flies buzzing. It's nice to be in a big city again."
- Fulham defender Franck Queudrue, not quite pining for his old club.
"People ask me about other clubs, but it is as if my wife is dying and you are asking me if I am thinking of going with another woman."
- Sam Hammam on whether there's room in his heart for another club after selling up at Cardiff City.
Tempting fate
We're never entirely sure why football folk choose to tempt fate so recklessly when it's inevitable they'll pay for it. We have two fine examples for you from the last week alone.
First, Sunderland's official website. On Saturday, Keano's Red and White Army were just a minute away from taking three badly needed points from Southampton. The person providing the live text updates on the website seemed quite certain the points were in the bag: 61 mins: Goal flash: Sunderland 1 Southampton 0.
85 mins: Sunderland look comfortable.
90 mins: Goal flash: Sunderland 1 Southampton 1 Full-time.
Our second example is quite spectacular, provided by Watford defender Danny Shittu ahead of Saturday's game against Chelsea. "These guys don't faze me," he said. "They might be worth millions of pounds, but at the end of the day it's me against them. I always believe playing against these kind of players is a chance for me to prove myself. It does not matter who you put in front of me, I am just going to go out there and use my attributes to stop them from scoring.
"I don't think they will be ready," he continued. "I think they will be used to playing against other kinds of central defenders. That's one of the main things I have in my favour. I have different attributes and I will use them against (Didier) Drogba. Hopefully, after Saturday he will remember me."
He probably will, not least because he scored a hat-trick against Shittu.
Quotes of the Week II
"I didn't say sorry to Roma and I won't apologise to Real Madrid. The word 'sorry' does not exist in my vocabulary. To say sorry and admit you've made some mistakes are two different things. I made errors, but I've not used the word 'sorry' since the day I was born and I never will until the moment I die."
- For Real Madrid's Antonio Cassano, sorry just seems to be hardest word.
"Glenn Roeder has stood up all his life and he will always stay standing up whatever happens to him."
- Eh, Glenn Roeder.
"Kanu has been fantastic. My God, we've even got him heading the ball. Well, it's not really heading, more like hitting him on the head."
- Harry Redknapp on Kanu's non-abilities in the air.
"Did I feel Lens didn't do its best to keep me? Of course. If they cannot manage a strong character, they prefer to part with him. At Lens, they love sheep, but I am not one."
- Spurs' Benoit Assou-Ekotto makes a helluva allegation against his old club.
"Suddenly he had a brainstorm and came rushing towards me. I thought he was going to banjo me. He certainly was very animated."
- Kilmarnock boss Jim Jefferies after a musical run-in with Motherwell's Maurice Malpas.
"If we are not careful we will be playing in high heels and skirts and playing netball."
- Birmingham's Steve Bruce concerned about the effect over-fussy referees will have.
Dead funny - not
We shouldn't laugh, we know, but . . . Ifield Edwards FC kindly agreed to GSK Phoenix FC's request to hold a minute's silence for one of their players before a Sussex Intermediate Cup tie. The hosts, though, were a bit puzzled when the Phoenix players began giggling, only to discover later that the player for whom the silence was being held hadn't in fact died, he'd just been dropped after several years in the team. "Despicable, disgraceful and in poor taste," said Ifield manager Ali Rennie.
