We're sure the Sunderland spokesman meant well when he declined to give details of the injury suffered by striker Kevin Kyle.

But when he said, "as it is a non-footballing injury we cannot give updates in the usual way", it was inevitable the hunt for the real story would begin.

And it wasn't long before it emerged that Kyle had spilt a jug of boiling water on his, eh, lap while heating a bottle for his eight-month-old son, Max.

We trusted, though, that the press would deal sensitively with the story.

Over to the Daily Mirror: "Goal-starved soccer star Kevin Kyle has finally hit a hot streak - after scalding his tackle in a bizarre accident . . . the Scottish international has told pals he has no idea when he'll score again - either on the pitch or off it."

Lovely. And then there was the contribution from the obligatory "insider": "He is walking a bit like John Wayne at the moment. He was struggling to move without pain, let alone run. But he is very embarrassed about this coming out."

And who, we wondered, let the story "come out"? Surely not the obligatory "insider"?

Quotes of the week

"I think the Everton midfielders will be doing more than most to get into shape. They'll need to get their stamina levels up because it's a pretty long way around Jan Molby these days."

- Kenny Dalglish previewing the charity game between the 1986 Liverpool and Everton FA Cup final teams, in which Jan "Who ate all the pies?" Molby will feature.

"It's a long time since I've seen a player who you feel would kick his granny to win, and that's lovely - though not for the granny."

- Newcastle's Glenn Roeder on the lengths to which Steven Taylor will go to win a 50-50 ball.

"It's almost impossible for referees these days - they need eyes in the back of their heads, which they haven't got."

- No flies on Graham Taylor.

"We are enjoying it greatly. It's a wonderful franchise and we just love it."

- Malcolm Glazer. That noise you hear is the sound of Manchester United supporters wailing.

"I think they'll have to throw the kitchen sink at them now a bit. Maybe not the whole sink, with all the plumbing - maybe just the taps for now."

- Co-commentator extraordinaire David Pleat, as heard by a befuddled BBC Online contributor.

"The whole issue is getting on my nerves and it's time to make a decision. He should let his trousers down now and say: 'It's whoever and that's its'."

- Karl-Heinz Rummenigge urges Jurgen Klinsmann to make his mind up on who's going to be Germany's World Cup goalkeeper. In the end Klinsmann plumped for Jens Lehmann, but kept his pants up.

"I have seen our disallowed goal on the monitor and it's not even close. Their goal is not a foul, it's GBH. One manager told me he was the worst referee in the Premiership - and he ain't wrong."

- Wigan manager Paul Jewell, a touch displeased with referee Phil Dowd's display in the game against Blackburn.

Jew process kicks in

We read last week about West Ham heading for the sun for a few days in Dubai, partly as reward for the players' efforts so far this season, partly as a "team-building" exercise as they prepared for yesterday's game against Chelsea and, further down the line, their FA Cup semi-final.

"It's been great," said assistant coach Peter Grant. "It's good for the players to get away, have a bit of sun on their backs and spend some time together. They have worked hard this season, no-one can dispute that, and this is a nice gesture by the club."

Very nice indeed. Except then, having read a snippet in yesterday's Sunday Times, we realised the choice of Dubai was rather odd for a club with two Israelis in its squad.

"Dubai is, of course, the Arabic country which does not allow Israeli nationals or Jews across its borders. That resulted in Yossi Benayoun and Yaniv Katan having to settle for their own mini-bonding session in . . . Spain - 3,500 miles away from the rest of the squad."

Indeed, a nice gesture by the club.

Jose for the birds

"For me pressure is bird flu. I am feeling a lot of pressure with the swan in Scotland. I am serious. You are laughing, but I am serious. I am more scared of the bird flu than football.

"What is football compared with life? A swan with bird flu, for me, that is the drama of the last two days. I have to buy some masks and stuff. I am serious. Maybe for my team as well."

- We get the feeling if any of his players start sneezing Jose will head for the hills.

"I've heard I want to leave or that Chelsea want me to leave or I have a lot of problems with Peter Kenyon and with the dog and with the cat. I have problems with everybody. But it is a good opportunity to say again and again that I have a contract until 2010 and I want to be here. I know you all love me."

- We do Jose, we do.

"He shouldn't chase me! He should say to the boat, 'Please take me a little bit closer!' He's so enthusiastic chasing me, bah, bah, bah, bah, but has a heart attack."

- Jose shares a Portuguese fable with us - and Alex Ferguson.

Shels boys do well

If you find yourself at a Shelbourne home game any time soon make sure you get hold of the match programme and have a read of Seán Fitzpatrick's rather marvellous Where are they now? features.

Seán has already caught up with Neil Trebble (who "was a Grenadier Guard and served in the Gulf War - the war that offered Saddam Hussein the chance of a replay") and "Marvellous Marlon Billy" (whose experience with Shels prompted him to switch codes to Rugby League - in which "he became a legend with the Rochdale Hornets").

But whatever happened to Noel Greenhalgh, who played 40 games for Shelbourne in the mid-1980s? He became the Mango King, like you do. Greenhalgh emigrated to Australia in 1987 and got involved in the fruit-and-veg business, going on to become managing director of a leading Brisbane wholesalers.

But it was in October 2005 he reached the peak of his profession, when he was crowned "Mango King" for buying the season's symbolic "first tray" of mangos at the eighth annual Brisbane Markets Mango Auction.

A pricy purchase it was too - the tray cost 35,000 Australian dollars, but the money went to a children's charity. Best of all, Greenhalgh outbid and dethroned the reigning Mango King, the almost aptly named Sam Mangano. Truly, these Shels old boys are a motley crew.