Mick McCarthy's men abroadA congratulatory slap on the back to the Irish folk who made it past round four of the FA Cup over the weekend, with a special nod to Jason Gavin who was a bit useful in Middlesbrough's defence after he came on as a substitute in the 2-0 win over Manchester United.

A big well done, too, to Blackburn midfielder Alan Mahon, doing his damnedest to turn Mick McCarthy's head in his direction before World Cup squad-picking time, who was singled out by Graeme Souness after a handy performance against Millwall, during which he made the winning goal for Andy Cole.

Part commiserations, part congratulations to Newcastle's Andy O'Brien who did a Tommy Hutchison by scoring for both Newcastle and Peterborough in yesterday's cup tie, but allow us to declare Alan Maybury our man of the week, if only out of sympathy.

Eight days ago Maybury (left), was sent off against Livingston. The Scottish Football Association subsequently rejected Hearts appeal to have the red card 'overturned', resulting in Maybury missing the glam league game away to Celtic. He was, though, back in action on Saturday, when Hearts were knocked out of the cup, losing 3-1 to the not so mighty Inverness Caledonian Thistle - after which Hearts manager Craig Levein locked his players in the dressing room and told them a home truth or three. As weeks go, it couldn't have been a whole lot more grim for young Maybury, which is why he's our player of the week.

'United' in their praise of Quinn

Niall Quinn was probably blushing to the roots last week with all the praise being heaped upon him for his decision to donate the proceeds from his benefit match to hospitals in Sunderland and Dublin.

Even Tony Blair waxed lyrical about him in the House of Commons, as did the panellists on the BBC's Question Time, which came from Sunderland on Thursday. "Booze and gin or Niall Quinn - which is the face of modern football," asked a member of the audience, prompting David Dimbleby to explain to viewers the background to the story. Problem? The audience, most of which was made up of Peter Reid's red and white army, came awful close to rioting when Dimbleby declared that Quinner plays for . . . "Sunderland United".

Footballing elephant packs a punch

Sometimes it's better to let bygones be bygones, but if you've a memory like an elephant it's hard. During an amateur football tournament in Viernheim in Germany last week one of the players suddenly turned on the referee and punched him in the face, according to Ananova. "The red mist just came down," explained the 34-year-old player as the ref was carted off to hospital.

Why? Because the same ref had sent him off in a crucial amateur match. When? Ten years before!

Quotes of the week

"If you make the right decision, it's normally going to be the correct one."

- Dave Beasant as quoted by Private Eye.

"Walsall are coping amicably at the moment, they still lead 2-1."

- The incomparable Chris Kamara on Sky Sports on Saturday.

"I hear what they're saying. I ask my English tutor what is the word 'tinkerer'?"

- Claudio Ranieri after overhearing his Chelsea players discuss his fondness for fiddling with formations.

"Ireland are not that scary."

- Not even two Keanos can make Georgia coach Alexander Chivadze quake in his boots after the draw for the European Championship qualifiers.

Song of the week

"You're just too good to be true, can't take the ball off-a you-hoo, You've got a heavenly touch, you pass just like Souness to Rush, When we're all ****ed in the bars, we thank the Lord that you're ours, You're just to good to be true, can't take the ball off-a-you."

- To the tune of 'You're Just Too Good To Be True', Liverpool fans' ode to Steven Gerrard (from The Guardian).

Red Devils fan whipped by Taliban

Ananova told us the sad tale last week of an Afghan footballer who was jailed and tortured by the Taliban for watching Manchester United on television. Syed Shah, a self-confessed David Beckham fan, paid a friend to make him a satellite dish from oil cans so that he could see the Champions League quarter-final match between United and Bayern Munich.

"All I wanted to do was watch my hero - but they held me down and beat the soles of my feet with electric cables," he said. Thank you to Liverpool-supporting Simon for his email alerting us to the story but there really was no need to add: "I am now reassessing my previously unfavourable view of the Taliban."

More quotes of the week

"You just have to take the good with the bad. You've got to be strong and take criticism on the chin, or in my case, the nose."

- Liverpool stand-in manager Phil Thompson (left).

"It's been mine and Roy Evans's job to really hold the baby and keep the ship afloat until the new board comes on board and we can get a course to which to steer to ..."

- Chief Executive Peter Roe clarifies the position at Swindon Town (Private Eye).

"He is the Swedish David Beckham and name any gay man who wouldn't want to be his Posh."

- A spokesman for Swedish gay magazine QX after it voted Aston Villa defender Olof Mellberg Sweden's sexiest man.

Have no Fear, I'm definitely still alive

Did you read last week about how several Welsh clubs held a minute's silence for former FA of Wales president Brian Fear, only to discover he was still very much alive? Word spread that Fear had not survived a heart attack and when he returned home from hospital there was a sympathy card waiting for him - and he answered the phone to one chap ringing up to offer his condolences to Fear's 'widow'. "When I heard about clubs holding a minute's silence for me I nearly died laughing," he sa id, adding our very favourite bit of the story: "Rumours just got round that I had died, but I knew it wasn't true."

Pele's secret on playing keepie-up

Soccernet revealed yesterday the face behind the new worldwide campaign to market Viagra. Ready? Sixty-one year old Pele, who used to play football. "He was the only choice really," said a spokesman for Viagra manufacturers Pfizer. "We believe Pele can help many men understand what's gone wrong and how we can help."

No better man. After all Pele (1) revealed last year that "there are large parts of the world where Jesus Christ is not so well known as me" and (2) he 'dated' a 16-year-old girl not so long ago.

FOOTBALL ON TV

Tomorrow: Bolton v Manchester Utd, Sky Sports 1, 8.0. Wednesday: Chelsea v Leeds, Sky Sports 1, 8.0. Sunday: Leeds v Liverpool, Sky Pay-per-view, 12.0; Middlesbrough v Charlton, Sky Sports 1, 4.0.