Away from homeIf Damien Duff was concerned his appreciably enhanced reputation, as a result of those more than half-decent performances at the World Cup, would make him a marked man this season he needn't have worried. After all, he got through a whole 40 seconds of Blackburn's Premiership opener against Sunderland before being flattened by Stephen Wright, who earned a booking, on his debut, for the lunge. If there's a shin-pad manufacturer looking for a likely lad to promote its product this season we reckon Damo is their only man.
Stephen Carr, meanwhile, has earned the right to throw a withering look in the direction of the gods after being ruled out for four to six weeks with a hamstring injury he picked up in his first competitive match in over a year. Robbie Keane and Gary Kelly, too, probably feel aggrieved after being consigned to bench duty in Terry Venables' first game in charge at Leeds, but at least, unlike Stephen McPhail, they made the sixteen. Keane, of course, had the consolation of coming on and scoring, a fact Spurs, by all accounts, noted with interest.
The real fun and games, though, took place at Sincil Bank which, as we didn't know, is home to Lincoln City. In all, seven Irish players featured for Roddy Collins' Carlisle United (Darren Kelly, just signed from Derry City, should make it eight next time out) and, well, how do we put it, three of them were sent off - Richie Foran, Brian Shelley and Trevor Molloy. They still, puzzlingly, managed to win, through a Molloy penalty, but cue headlines of "The Fighting Irish". Inevitable.
Blush of the Summer (1)
Former Manchester United manager Tommy Docherty managed to trap himself in a car wash after getting out of his Mercedes when he assumed the contraption wasn't working. Alas, it was. Drenched, and with his foot jammed in the device used to pull cars into the wash, Docherty's cries for help were heard by a garage employee who promptly dialled 999. Three fire brigades and two ambulances arrived to free him, with all concerned desperately trying to keep a straight face. "It's not every day you get someone like Tommy Docherty stuck in your car wash," said Gary Siddall, the garage employee.
Blush of the Summer (2)
Wayne Garvie, head of entertainment production for the BBC, lashed out at ITV for employing Paul Gascoigne during the World Cup, claiming that they had exploited his "vulnerabilities". "The car crash that was Gazza's World Cup punditry saw a troubled man hung out to dry in the studio," he told the Guardian. Problem? Over to you Paul Tyrrell, ITV's former PR man: "If Wayne Garvie knew anything about sports programming, which he doesn't because he's never made any sports programming in his life, or even if he knew anything about BBC sport he would know that the BBC tried to hire Paul Gascoigne before we did." Oh no.
Blush of the Summer (3)
According to BBC Online Rangers' official club magazine, Rangers News, made a bit of a boo-boo when they published their season's preview edition. The pull-out in the centre of the magazine was dedicated entirely to . . . Celtic, featuring a poster of the Bhoys and their fixtures for the season. The printer who produces Rangers News also handles Celtic View and ended up stapling the wrong pages together. Accidentally. Of course.
Quotes of the week
"I've got to be careful what I say but it was an absolutely diabolical performance from the referee." - Lincoln City manager Keith Alexander treads carefully before scundering the man in black.
"I want success - that is why I have joined Portsmouth." - Paul Merson reveals his witty side.
"The Baggies needed to strengthen big-time but their signings simply haven't been good enough - it's like putting lipstick on a pig." - Rodney Marsh oinks at the notion of West Brom avoiding relegation.
"The pitch was very bumpy which is possibly a reason for the (lack of) smoothness of our passing and we'll want a better referee in the second leg." - Alex Ferguson makes no excuses after that defeat by Zalaegerszeg.
"Overall I thought his contribution to the game was very good. I thought he kicked well, commanded his box, was sharp out behind the defenders. But I've told him that he should have saved both goals." - David Moyes on goalkeeper Richard Wright's dodgy debut for Everton.
"A ****ing ****ing **** and a ****ing ****ing **** ****ing ****er." - Roy Keane pays a warm tribute to Jack Charlton in his autobiography.
"When I was born, God pointed at me and said: 'That's the guy, go and score another goal.' And so, I did." - The ever unassuming Romario.
Rummenigge style
Karl-Heinz Rummenigge, who once scored goals aplenty for Germany and is now chairman of Bayern Munich, had a chat with German magazine Bunte last week and, inexplicably, the conversation turned to fashion. "He is turning from a footballer into a lady, especially with his painted fingernails," he said of David Beckham, before analysing national coach Rudi Voeller's hair-do. "It is important that people like Rudi's hair, and they do," said Karl-Heinz. "In contrast to many others at least he does have a look. I believe his adherence to the grey mane is a fashion statement."
Clough shows caring side
One of Football 365's readers e-mailed us last week to share his favourite nugget from Stuart Pearce's autobiography Psycho. Pearce revealed that after a training session one day Brian Clough asked a recently-signed player if he'd bought a house in the Nottingham area yet. "No" replied the player, who was struggling to find his form. "Don't bother" said Clough. Nice.
Gerrard dazzles
What have Leonardo DiCaprio, Julia Roberts, Johnny Depp and Steven Gerrard got in common? Nothing, you might think, but, according to the Sunday Mirror, they've all spent £650 on having their teeth whitened. No kiddin'. "Steven came to us for that extra sparkle celebrities often feel they need," revealed dentist Tariq Idris, who runs the Chester Cosmetic Dental Practice in Cheshire. So, Koppites, look out for that Colgate smile this season when Gerrard finds the back of the net.
Chant of the week
"Who are ya, who are ya?" - Birmingham City fans at Highbury yesterday when Gilberto Silva came on as a sub for Arsenal. And who is he? Only a World Cup winner with Brazil.
Friendly pitch battle
Most eventful game of the pre-season? That award has to go to the clash of Scottish third division Stenhousemuir and English non-league side Barrow. Barrow seemed intent on giving their visitors a testing run-out but such was their exuberance the match was abandoned after 17 minutes, with two Stenhousemuir players en route to hospital - including Des McKeown who had his leg broken in two places in a tackle after five minutes. "What happened was very unfortunate," said Barrow director Russell Dodd, "but these things happen in football." Stenhousemuir boss John McVeigh was less forgiving: "I took the team down to bond together and get match fitness but if we'd stayed on the pitch any longer half of them would have come home in ambulances."
