compiled by Mary Hannigan

Away from home

We're only a month in to the "new-ish" English season, but already some of the players who made up the Irish World Cup squad during the summer must be wishing it was all over. Where do we start? Steve Finnan, Steven Reid, David Connolly and Damien Duff have missed all or a fair chunk of the start of the season through injury, while Ian Harte and Kevin Kilbane have been singled out by their own supporters as the cause of all Leeds and Sunderland's woes.

Saturday's win over Aston Villa helped relieve the pressure a bit, but Jason McAteer and Niall Quinn are hardly having fun at Sunderland these days. Gary Kelly has only just returned to the Leeds' starting line-up, but after Saturday's experience against Arsenal he probably wished he was still on the bench. Richard Dunne? Well, let's just say it hasn't been the ideal start to the new campaign.

Alan Kelly is still waiting for his first appearance of the season at Blackburn and Lee Carsley has still to convince David Moyes that he's worth a regular spot in Everton's midfield (he made his first start of the season on Saturday). Shay Given's form has been mixed, as has his Newcastle team mate's, Andy O'Brien. The Aston Villa men - Steve Staunton and Mark Kinsella - have seen better days, as has Dean Kiely at "struggling" Charlton, while Gary Breen and Kenny Cunningham haven't had entirely convincing starts at their new clubs, West Ham and Birmingham City.

After Saturday's 3-0 home defeat by Middlesbrough, Robbie Keane must be wondering what he's let himself in for by joining Spurs, while Matt Holland, who, granted, is in fine form, must be asking himself: why am I playing in the first division? Clinton Morrison? He's probably the happiest of the bunch, with three goals in five-and-a-half appearances for Birmingham, and Roy Keane? Well. A fairly uneventful start to the season. In no sense at all. Things, you might conclude, can only get better.

No place to be koi

This is a tragic tale, as reported by The Telegraph last week. A defender with the mighty Tow Law Town booted the ball clear in a recent English Northern League match only to see it land in a neighbouring garden pond. So? Swimming about happily at the time in said pond were two koi carp, ugly fishy blighters in which the garden pond owner had invested heavily. And? Both koi carp died. Their distraught owner duly kept the football as ransom, demanding compensation for his loss. Tow Law Town had no option but to hand over a crisp £50 note, roughly, by all accounts, the value of the defender who murdered the poor fish in the first place.

A winning combination

Don't blame us for this one, take your wrath out on Planet Football's pal Howard D. "Terry Venables is struggling to find the right combination at Elland Road - he's tried 4-4-2, 4-3-3 and 4-5-1, but he still can't get in to the safe." Howard? You're a bad lad.

Holloway banged to rights

We're indebted to QPR devotees Tom Ward and Brian O'Halloran for finding us a highly likely contender for inclusion in our quotes of the week section, every week - step forward Ian Holloway, manager of QPR. Our favourite "Ollyisms" so far? (1) "Richard Langley is still six months away from being Richard Langley - and I could do with a fully fit Richard Langley" (2) "When the water stands still in the pond, it starts to stink" (on axing players from his squad); (3) "If the club was a chocolate bar, it would have licked itself" (on QPR's days in the Premiership); (4) "I call him Ronseal because he does exactly what it says on the tin - he's an out and out winger" (on Jerome Thomas); (5) "It's like the film Men in Black. I walk around in a black suit, white shirt and black tie where I've had to flash my white light every now and again to erase some memories, but I feel we've got hold of the galaxy now. It's in our hands" (on the club's financial problems). Kev Keegan? Your heart? Eat it. Out.

Quotes of the week

"They've one man to thank for that goal - Alan Shearer. And they've also got to thank Alan Wiley, the referee."

Sky Sports' peerless pundit, Chris Kamara - as quoted by Dangerhere.com.

"If Michael Owen had taken his chances he would be the Premiership's leading scorer by now."

Gerard Houllier (if the Queen had... see below).

"We have been creating chances and if Peter Crouch had taken his, he would be the Premiership's leading scorer now."

Graham Taylor (see above... she'd be the King).

"Peter Reid is a great friend of mine but, obviously, when a good job comes up you have to be interested."

As Reid might put it to George Graham, "with friends like you who needs...". (With thanks to 'HD').

"It's not me I am concerned about - it's my mum. When she picks up the paper she is reading all about this 'scumbag' - it's not right."

Lee Bowyer. Altogether: aaaaaw.

"My greatest challenge is not what's happening at the moment, my greatest challenge was knocking Liverpool right off their ****ing perch. And you can print that."

Do you think Alex Ferguson is feeling the pressure? Us too.

Come on Claudio

If Claudio Ranieri ever decides to pack in football management we suggest that he considers becoming an author, with the promise that we'll be at the top of the queue to buy his first book.

Football 365 have been keeping a close eye on Ranieri's programme notes at Chelsea this season and, frankly, some of his observations and thoughts have been totally sublime.

Examples: "It is the same to have the home leg first as the away"... "it not important who plays but what they play like" and, our favourite... "I hope the 'Starnford Bridge' is full, but I am crazy! I think it will not be too full, but what matters for us is that the players on the pitch feel that it is. They must feel supporters 'pus' the win. Come on, everybody!"

There'll be no more movies for a week or two, no more running 'round with the usual crew, c'mon, em, Claudio Ranieri.

Gunners get their oats

Like yourselves, we've been wondering what exactly Arsenal have been having for breakfast recently to explain their half-decent run, albeit a lucky half-decent run. BBC Online gave us the answer last week - the players have switched from Coco Pops to Frosties to turn "Arsene Wenger's men from sweet nothings into a truly Grrr-eat team". Mind you, it was a little unkind to suggest that Manchester United have been starting their days with Cheerios lately.

More quotes. . .

"I am in awe of Arsenal at the moment, they have replaced Manchester United as the benchmark, but Spurs can get close when our injury problems ease."

If Glenn Hoddle's football career doesn't work out he's well qualified to become a stand-up comedian.

"I think Arsenal, in that 1998-99 season, were at a fantastic level of play, but I don't think they have improved since then."

If Gary Neville's football career doesn't work out he's well qualified to become a stand-up comedian.

"I could use a cliché, but that's not me. The one thing you can't do is worry about tomorrow." West Ham boss Glenn Roeder