Compiled by David McKechnie
Away from home
We delved deep into the history books to find information about some of this weekend's Irish goalscorers. Not since he was sweating buckets for Brian Kerr's under-20 World Youth Cup team in Malaysia in 1997 has Michael Cummins made as big an impact as he did for Port Vale against Mansfield, scoring twice in three minutes in the first half and creating the two others to help his team to a 4-2 win.
Liam George, the darling of the Ireland under-18 team that won the 1998 European Championships in Cyprus, would be able to relate to Cummins' lack of profile now.
Released by Luton Town last season, he got the only goal for Bury on Saturday to give them a 1-0 win.
And as for Jeff Kenna (right), he scored his first goal in seven seasons (i.e. since Blackburn became champions) for Birmingham as they drew 1-1 with Spurs.
Elsewhere, David Connolly continued his fine form with another goal in Wimbledon's 3-0 win over Sheffield Wednesday, making it 11 in his last seven games. Barry Conlon from Monaghan grabbed his ninth of the season for Darlington, Clive Clarke got the Stoke equaliser at Gillingham with a 56th-minute free kick and Michael Reddy - on loan from Sunderland - opened the scoring for York in their 2-1 win over Carlisle.
We overlooked the fact that former Irish under-21 international Daryl Clare scored a hat-trick for Chester City in the Nationwide Conference last weekend. We're sure he'd be delighted with this mention though. On Saturday he was sent off.
Boldly going . . .
As the debate rages about who will become the next Republic of Ireland manager, we think we may have stumbled on a potential dream team. After the events of Saipan, the FAI will be keen to appoint someone with experience of taking the heat out of situations, someone with proven expertise in handling key people in a pressurised environment. So we are putting our chips on Joe Kinnear, with Deanna Troi, the ship's counsellor from Star Trek: The Next Generation as his number two.
While Joe can look after matters on the pitch, Deanna's listening skills, compassion and ability to coax the best from big players (e.g. Captain Jean Luc Picard) would be an invaluable asset to the association in these difficult times. And we know that Joe and Deanna would get along just fine.
Deanna (real name Marina Sirtis) grew up in north London as a huge Tottenham fan, and was a particular admirer of Kinnear's, admitting at one stage that she used to sleep in a replica of Kinnear's number two shirt.
Ms Sirtis never landed her man and eventually had to settle for going out with a young Graeme Souness instead. We're sure that Joe would have no hard feelings though and that this is a suggestion the FAI could cling-on to, as it were.
Quotes of the week
"He actually looks a little t**t, that Totti. I haven't been a big fan . . . Are there any sandwiches?"
- What German cable TV viewers heard Big Ron Atkinson say off-air during Arsenal's Champions League win at Roma.
"I had very big hair then and looked like someone from the Jackson Five."
- Fulham manager Jean Tigana (above) remembers his barnet more fondly than the result in France's 1982 World Cup semi-final defeat to Germany.
"I am surprised to find myself under pressure so early and I don't know why. I have heard many, many reasons but none of them make any sense to me.
- Terry Venables confesses in a roundabout way that he's not quite sure how to read the league table.
"Playing against English clubs in Europe is like when your mother forced you to eat vegetables you didn't like."
- Internazionale's Hernan Crespo knows what turns his stomach.
"This is a difficult division, apart from the top four it's dog eat dog, and we have just eaten one of the dogs."
- After beating Bolton, Kevin Keegan's thoughts turn to a holiday in South Korea.
Keegan gets shirty
Our sympathies go to Manchester City youngster Joey Barton, who was unable to make his first-team debut at Middlesbrough last weekend because his shirt was apparently stolen during the half-time break.
The 18-year-old must have had mixed feelings when he was told to warm up by Kevin Keegan with 10 minutes to go as he was trying to keep this information to himself.
"For some reason Joey decided to put his shirt by his feet," explained Keegan. "When he came in at half-time he didn't bring his shirt in with him, so someone obviously took it and we didn't have another one for him. I told Joey that no one would pinch his shirt if he had it on his back."
Has Keegan considered that if Barton was wearing the garment he might not be with us today?
More quotes of the week
"They might get the nickname 'the pocket rocket' soon they start so well."
- TV3's Trevor Welch says something entirely meaningless about Basel when they take a shock early lead against Manchester United. (with thanks to dangerhere.com)
"Eyal Berkovic pulled out of Israel's friendly in Macedonia on Wednesday because of a fear of flying. The Manchester City midfielder reportedly has a flying phobia, but, unlike Dennis Bergkamp, is prepared to travel 'in business class on a large passenger jet' . . ."
- From the Jewish Chronicle, as reported in yesterday's Observer.
"I have been here at Leeds for two years and he hasn't spoken much to me."
- Mark Viduka reveals his countryman Harry Kewell to be, erm , painfully shy?
"We were totally on top in the first half and then after their penalty we were totally shit for 25 minutes."
- After defeat by Margate in the FA Cup, Leyton Orient manager Paul Brush tells it like it is.
War games
SomeWales fans may believe they were messed around over the release of players for their trip to Azerbaijan recently, but we're sure Iraq's German coach Bernd Stange would suggest it's all relative.
Earlier this month, the man who coached East Germany from 1983 to 1988 stunned football people back home by signing a four-year contract with the country's football association to try to lead the team to the 2006 World Cup finals in Germany.
Stange said he consulted FIFA and the German foreign ministry before taking the job, and insists he has not been put under pressure from Baghdad. "I'm just worried that the power games by the politically powerful could cost me this great job," he said.
Iraq's first big games under the new man will take place in March after training in the United Arab Emirates, unless, says Stange, "my players have to go to war and die".
Now that's a problem Wales will hopefully never relate to.
Spanish seek the rain
If the old tune from My Fair Lady is anything to go by, the rain in Spain seems to stay mainly in the plain.
This has clearly frustrated some Spanish footballers, who have gone to great lengths to get more precipitation in their lives.
Almost 80 Spanish players now play abroad, and while their most popular destination is Portugal, Scotland is second on the list, with 16 Spaniards braving the elements to earn a living in one of Europe's least glamorous leagues.
Perhaps Manuel from Fawlty Towers had it right after all: Crazy.
