News from the world of Football

Brazil the new David Coleman

Former Scottish international Alan Brazil is continuing to make a name for himself on English radio station TalkSport where he is a presenter. Highlights so far: "Our talking point this morning is George Best, his liver transplant and the booze culture in football. Don't forget, the best caller wins a crate of John Smith's." And "I was sad to hear yesterday about the death of Inspector Morse, TV's John Shaw" . . . "John Thaw, Alan" (said his co-host Mike Parry) . . . "Do you know, I've been doing that all morning. John, if you're listening, sorry mate." Another one for the collection, as reported by the Guardian and Football 365 last week: Brazil was chatting with TV critic Gary Bushell about a BAFTA tribute to Bob Monkhouse. "How's his health now?" asked Brazil. "Eh, Bob died at Christmas, Alan," said Bushell.

Celebrity not so look-a-likes

Maybe our eyesight isn't as good as it used to be but we struggled to recognise some of the "celebrity look-a-likes" on the website of English agency, eh, Celebrity look-a-likes. Kylie Minogue, for example, looks remarkably like Liz from Coronation Street, Andre Agassi is a ringer for Middlesbrough full-back Danny Mills and Frankie Dettori just looks like a Subbuteo figure (behave). As for Ruud van Nistelrooy, those who suggest Florida Pearl should sign up as Ruud's look-a-like should be ashamed.

Quotes of the week

"Spurs' Irish stars - Stephen Carr, Gary Doherty and Robbie Keane - are all scratching their heads after being summoned to the club shop to celebrate St Patrick's Day with supporters . . . on March 18."

- The Sunday Mirror, concerned there'll be as much life left in the trio's shamrocks on the 18th as there is in Spurs' season.

"We are all tired of being the butt of jokes in Italy. I don't understand what is so funny."

- Serse Cosmi, who doesn't view his Perugia side's 19-game run without a win as a laughing matter.

"He always wanted to get one up on you. If I told him I'd just got back from Tenerife, he'd say he'd just got back from Elevenerife."

- Former Chelsea player David Speedie on ex-chairman Ken Bates.

"When he jumps in the water, the sharks jump out."

- Sheffield Wednesday chairman Dave Allen on the same Ken Bates. Popular lad, eh?

"There are 11 big games left and we are all in the soup, we are all in the ding-dong."

- Bobby "merrily on high" Robson.

"No one at United thinks the title is already Arsenal's."

- Rio Ferdinand, who mustn't be spending much time at Old Trafford these days.

A town called Sporting

Hearty thanks to Anthony Doyle who noted Mark Lawrenson - after Deportivo La Coruna had knocked Juventus out of the Champions League - declaring on TV3 last week it was "a great result for them considering Deportivo is such a small town".

"Deportivo is the Spanish for Sporting, the town is la Coruna," explained Anthony. Fond memories of "they'll be dancing on the streets of Raith tonight" (we also, of course, knew Raith is just the name of a club in Kirkcaldy), once beautifully adapted by Sky Sports' Jeff Stelling who said: "They'll be dancing in the streets of TNS tonight", after Total Network Solutions qualified for the UEFA Cup. TNS is a merger of Llansantffraid FC and Oswestry Town and takes its name from its sponsors, the Oswestry-based communications company Total Network Solutions Ltd. Of course we didn't have to look it up.

Lost in translation

The Daily Mirror had a chat last week with a Christian Walkey, a former football trainee with Southampton and Portsmouth. Walkey's career never worked out and, to cut a long story short, he ended up being jailed for five years for dealing ecstasy on Ibiza. He spent time in six jails in Spain, including the one that hosted the three Leicester players, which Walkey said was the worst. Why? "It's frightening, dirty and the guards shout at you in . . . Spanish." The nerve.

Sum mistake?

Our recent dodgy football maths theme is gathering momentum. Highest new entry: "We have reached the stage where the players have something to bite on. If we get a five per cent improvement from every player then that's 50 per cent from a team point of view." (Bobby Robson, as spotted by young Joe C).

Runner-up: "There's a closeness between the two sides that's been emphasised in the last few matches - there have been two draws and two victories each in the last four games." (Alex Ferguson).

More quotes of the week

"At half-time I told Laurent (Robert) to wake up. Before the break he flung across one pathetic corner and it took him 17 minutes to get back into position. In the second half he was suddenly a player again . . . when I finally get him right I will be 120 years of age."

- Bobby Robson; just three years to go.

"In a strange kind of way I am enjoying watching them play."

- Rio Ferdinand, confident he'll regain his place in the United defence next season.

"My missus, Sharon, could have tackled better than we did. And, boy, she doesn't half pack a good tackle."

- Sheffield United manager Neil Warnock. Good grief.

"Tony has been on a diet recently - I think it's affected his brain."

- A friend of Newcastle fan Anthony Crozier who spent £804 on air tickets for him and his pals to go to Malaga to watch Newcastle against Real Mallorca. Problem? Real Mallorca play in Majorca.

"I will never dare to show up for another match. They can look for another idiot prepared to stand with his ass naked for 20 a game."

- Belgian referee Jacky Temmerman after a supporter ran onto the pitch and pulled his shorts and underpants down. The cheek(s).

Write nonsense about Beckham

If David Beckham gets his Spanish translator to read him extracts from newspaper Marca every week he's probably a confused lad by now. Not so long ago: "Beyond the ad campaigns, the dyed hair, the changes of look, the premature autobiography and the famous singing wife, the Englishman is making it plain that he is also a quite fabulous football player . . . of course he's worth much more than he cost." Last week: "The chapter on disasters needs to make space for Beckham. First of all, he played and ran. Then he ran and played. Then he just ran. Now he neither runs nor plays."

United's number up

Thank you to the 14,936 emailers who shared this with us last week (and apologies to those who've heard it 184 times before): "Manchester United have set up a helpline for supporters who are depressed about the team's current form. The number is: 0800 10 10 10. That's 0800 won nothing, won nothing, won nothing."