Birtles pulls out a plombPlanet Football's regular gem-provider Brendan T owned up last week to tuning in to the LDV Vans Trophy final between Blackpool and Southend. Pundit for the day Gary Birtles was impressed, Brendan told us, with John Murphy's opening goal for Blackpool, noting that "he took it with a great plomb". As Brendan put it: "it was a good plomb, but not a great one".

Freddie waxes less than lyrical

Following on from the unique questions asked of Alan Shearer in an interview by a pair of Norwegian comedians recently (e.g. "What music do you listen to when you are cleaning the blood of a homeless man out of the boot of your car?") Arsenal's Freddie Ljungberg (better known as a Calvin Klein underwear model) has had a similarly wacky experience at the hands of a Vanity Fair interviewer, according to uefa.com. First he was asked if he "waxed his bottom", then "who has the biggest "lunchbox" in the Arsenal dressing room?", followed by "do your team-mates call you Frederique?" and, the clincher, "are you circumcised?". Ljungberg, by all accounts, greeted the questions with a quizzically-raised eyebrow, as you would.

Jeepers keepers

The German goalkeeping feud between Oliver Kahn (Bayern Munich) and Jens Lehmann (Arsenal) continues apace. Asked last week if he would like to send his rival a good luck message ahead of Arsenal's Champions League game against Chelsea Kahn replied: "The mere question is an insult." We'll take that as a "no", then.

Quotes of the week

"We lost to both cup winners last year, and you can't do more than that."

- Sheffield United boss Neil Warnock. Indeed.

"I view this year as my trampoline year."

- Manchester United's Eric Djemba-Djemba, not realising that you go up and down on a trampoline, and not down and down further.

"I was just defending myself, there was no need for the ref to stand there with his chest out like some bloody Rambo."

- Eintracht Frankfurt coach Willi Reimann after receiving a five-match ban for pushing a fourth official.

"If they want to be regulars in Paul Sturrock's team, they must do what Paul Sturrock says."

- Eh, Paul Sturrock.

"I don't mind if they think I've slept with Sheffield Wednesday."

- Popstar George Michael, unconcerned if the media think he's had a Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go fling with the entire Wednesday squad.

Brazil a Cheltenham faller

English radio station TalkSport has sacked former Ipswich and Scotland forward Alan Brazil from the breakfast show he co-hosted with Mike Parry after he went "missing" following three days presenting the show from the Cheltenham festival. The Guardian claimed Brazil was too drunk to broadcast, something he very nearly admitted when he said: "there were times after a big do when, yes, I wasn't in the right shape to go on the radio", but added that the station had "encouraged my social life" - he's taking legal advice.

Brazil was the station's highest paid presenter (£200,000-a-year) and candidates are now lining up to take his place - including one of TalkSport's drive-time hosts, Tony Cascarino, who is filling in for the departed Brazil. Should Cascarino get the job full-time he can look forward to forming a partnership with the peerless Parry who, last week, said to his listeners: "Now, if you ever listen to TalkSport, which you obviously do because you're listening to me saying this now, so that was a very stupid thing to say, and I apologise". Besta luck, Cas.

Dumb and Hummer

Our favourite daft footballer story of the week came from the Observer which reported that Torsten Frings has displayed a certain lack of sensitivity to his near-broke employers Borussia Dortmund by arriving at the club in a sparkly new Hummer, that tank of a vehicle that "starred" in The Terminator. Only problem? So big is his Hummer Frings couldn't fit it in to the club car-park.

More quotes of the week

"(The) response came from the raging Figo, Zidane and, above all, Ronaldo - the fat bloke whose punches always land right on the jaw."

- El Mundo's summing up of Real Madrid's Champions League win over Monaco. "Gee, thanks," as the fat bloke might put it.

"Football is a game full of passion and what may or may not have happened at Newcastle Airport happens every day in the schoolyard - after all, we are all hommes de monde."

- Newcastle chairman Freddy Shepherd after Craig Bellamy's bust-up with coach John Carver. Bellamy will probably now sue Shepherd for slander.

"You can have sympathy (for Claudio Ranieri) but there's a difference between that and doing the maximum to win a game. When you play your wife at tennis you can love her to death, but you still want to beat her."

- Arsene Wenger, sounding a bit like Claudio Ranieri.

"Being a dustman helped keep me fit, but I didn't learn anything from the job."

- Deportivo's Walter Pandiani.

It's no foreign holiday for Harry

There's really nothing we can add to this, so here goes: Harry Redknapp in an interview with FHM: "I left a couple of my foreigners out last week and they started talking in foreign, I knew they were saying 'blah, blah, blah, le bastard manager ..."

"It's hard. I'd suggest a golf day but you ask a Yugoslav and he doesn't even know what golf is. I'd take them to the army camp for pre-season and my Serb player would shoot my Croatian and my Russian would be spying on everybody." If Kofi Annan ever feels like quitting, 'Arry would be just the man for the job.

Neal loses the thread

Most delicious observation of last week? Football 365 spotting Phil Neal's encouragement to Liverpool's players on the club's official website, telling them to "keep their foot on the treadle" - a treadle, as 365 noted, "is the pedal on a sewing machine". True enough, Liverpool have had us all in, eh, stitches this season.

McManus has a few words

"Man Utd powerbroker McManus speaks", revealed tribalfootball.com last week, news to all those reporters who unsuccessfully sought a chat with JP about recent horsey/football matters. The headline referred to an "interview" McManus did with the London Evening Standard after Manchester United played Spurs last week. Off we rushed to the newspaper's website to discover that the, eh, interview consisted of precisely 14 words ("Hopefully, they can get their season back on track now - that would be nice.").