Football stories from around the world

The heir to the throne

Wayne Rooney's former home in Croxteth, Liverpool, is currently being gutted in preparation for its renovation. No sooner had workmen started filling the skip outside with unwanted household items than Everton diehards began turning up to help themselves to Rooney "memorabilia" - but, according to the Liverpool Echo, the workmen were a bit taken aback when "they saw the toilet seat had been taken from the skip". It might seem like a bog-standard piece of memorabilia to you, but expert Jason Cornthwaite told the Echo that "this toilet seat could be valuable, if there is proof it is genuine". We're struggling to imagine how proof of ownership could be established, short of "Wayne sat 'ere" being found scribbled on it in crayon.

Not having a leg to stand on

The Observer reported yesterday that Uruguayan FA official Nelson Spillman has been found guilty of hiring a hitman to shoot a journalist in the leg. We're not that well up on legal matters but we suspect Spillman's decision to defend himself in court didn't do a whole lot to help his cause. "Perhaps he shot himself," he said to the judge, "and anyway, who's going to throw away $500 on a piece of shit like him?"

Eh, guilty.

Blown on the chill. Eh?

Polish newspaper website www.gazeta.pl gave a little background on the Roy Keane saga last week, explaining that he left the Irish squad two years ago "after a conflict with former instructor Carthy Mickiem Mc". "He rebuked the lack of professionalism," our translator explained, "but the federation undid the fatal conditions of preparation by the former, now the federation has blown on the chill." Hats off to the FAI, then. We think.

There was, though, considerable regret expressed by the Gazeta about Keane's failure to make it to Bydgo . . . Bydogz . . . Bydsz . . . the Polish city where the friendly took place, not least because the team hotel had, they claimed, prepared for him "an independent chamber, room 115, with a laptop, lots of mineral water, apples and special tea". Barry's tea bags, eh? They get everywhere.

Quotes of the week

"Milner seems to be holding his shoulder, in the shoulder area."

- Graham Taylor, showing off his anatomical knowledge.

"David O'Leary may be a crap manager, but he is honest."

- Eh, David O'Leary.

"I thought David O'Leary was a bit of an arsehole in the last year at Leeds."

- Eh, it's David "third person" O'Leary, again.

"Now I'll go and take the ball off Roy Keane and try to make things happen. Don't get me wrong, I don't shout at him. I ask him for the ball and maybe throw in a 'please' while I'm at it, or a 'Mr Roy'."

- Darren Fletcher, politely plucky when asking his captain for a pass.

"One agent has been trying to entice him to Celtic, but Rivaldo is not interested in playing in Scottish football - and he thinks Rangers is a bigger club anyway."

- Rivaldo's agent Peter Harrison, explaining why the ex-legend doesn't want to be one of the Bhoys.

"Anyone in Europe looking at this result will think it's a printing error."

- Franz Beckenbauer, struggling to believe his eyes: Romania 5, Germany 1.

"I said to him, 'I'm 71, you're 23 and I've got more flexibility than you have'."

- Bobby Robson suggests to Jonathan Woodgate that he needs to work on his elasticity.

Seeing red

Gary Doherty seems to be able to cope just fine, but for Reading's Dave Kitson being born with red hair seems to have left him with some self-esteem issues, as Oprah might put it. Upon hearing that Reading supporters would be holding a Ginger Day in his honour Kitson was none too happy.

"I have spent all of my (career) getting harassed about the colour of my hair to the point where you want to fight back," he said. "So the last thing I need is 15,000 people, all in ginger wigs, drawing attention to it. What would happen if it was two black players? I know the fans mean well and it's all in fun, but it's something I can do without . . . I have a bit of a complex about the way I look."

We were inclined to feel he was being a touch over-sensitive about the whole business, but we stop short of echoing BBC Online's sentiments: "Ginger whinger."

Coloured opinion

Speaking of redheads - or not, in this case. We spotted Shelbourne's Wes Hoolahan on redandproud.com's list of famous footballers, leaving us wondering had our eyes deceived us into thinking his manifestly brown hair was, in fact, gingerish. We therefore conducted some market research, with one respondent claiming that "maybe, in a certain light, or when his hair reflects the colour of his jersey, you could call it red, but not really, at all". Best response? From Stevo. "No, he doesn't belong on redandproud.com, but he does on brownhairedgenius.com." Take it as brown, then, rather than red.

More quotes of the week

"Sometimes I'm still at work at three in the afternoon."

- Paul Merson, Walsall's caretaker manager, on the exhausting grind that is professional football.

"You would have to cut off both my arms before I let him go because I would have them both wrapped around him."

- Gerard Houllier, suggesting he's eager to retain the services of Steven Gerrard.

"For nearly all the season we've been in the top half of the table and for most of the season better than that."

- Alan Curbishley, whose Charlton side seem to have been playing in another league for much of the campaign.

Polish reporter: "What do you think of Bydgoszcz?"

Shay Given: "No idea, I don't even know who he plays for".

"I could do without any more comparisons to David Beckham . . . if it's Dalglish you're talking about then I don't mind, but don't compare me to Beckham."

- Darren Fletcher, inviting a slander suit from Beckham and Dalglish.

"One day Saints will win the Premier League and that day I want to be back in Southampton dancing the night away."

- Agustin Delgado, currently on loan in Ecuador, sadly destined never to dance the night away in Southampton.

You have to hand it to them

Unfortunate moment of the week? It came at the end of the Irish Cup final in Windsor Park on Saturday when the BBC Northern Ireland co-commentator complimented the Glentoran fans for their sporting applause as Coleraine collected their losers' medals.

"Glentoran supporters are being very generous in their applause and appreciation of Coleraine, which is a lovely gesture," he said - and with that the camera picked out a Glentoran fan thrusting his right forefinger, rather aggressively, in to the air, in the direction of . . . the Coleraine players. A lovely gesture, indeed.

Whiter than white

Leeds United will launch a new hi-tech kit on June 5th, one that features a logo on the shoulder of the jersey which reads "one of eleven", to symbolise the importance of team-work, and changes colour to show "the increase of physical effort and body temperature", according to manufacturers Diadora - thus providing clear proof of just how hard each player is working for the team. Just as well Mark Viduka's leaving this summer, eh?