A monastic change of lifeThis time last year Eduard Bandi was playing for the Romanian under-21s, a promising player with the whole wide world at his feet.

But, according to uefa.com, he's decided on a career change: he has "disappeared to the Gura Motrului monastery 250 kilometres from Bucharest" to become a monk. By the sounds of it his father, Alexandru, is still coming to terms with the news. "He's not right in the head," was Motrului senior's reaction

Claudio Ranieri's week

"What does he (Roman Abramovich) want? My blood?"

- After Monaco? Probably.

"Abramovich knows nothing about football."

- After Monaco? Hmm . . .

"Maybe people were confused by my substitutions."

- The Chelsea team: "who are ya telling?."

"Everything I did was wrong."

- Claudio being a bit generous to himself.

"I don't change my way . . . like Frank Sinatra."

- And now, the end is near.

Another player searches for serenity

As we know, some footballers don't "do" friendlies - we can now add Belgium's Emile Mpenza to the list. The Standard Liege forward has decided he wants a break from international football until September's World Cup qualifiers. Why? According to his club, Mpenza "has taken that decision in order to reach a state of serenity".

"I'm neither his shrink nor his confessor, he has to take his own decisions," replied Belgian coach Aime Anthuenis, which was the polite way of saying "Christ Almighty".

Fowling up on the sideline

Jon Gittens, manager of Fareham in the Wessex League, was a touch bemused to be dismissed from the dugout during his side's recent game against Gosport and to be later charged by the Hampshire Football Association with using "foul and abusive language" for calling a linesman a "chicken nugget". Make that "fowl and abusive language", eh? (Copyright: Christmas Cracker Jokes Ltd).

Draycott becomes a Hammerhead

If an Irish player signed for a non-league club on Jupiter tomorrow our pal Andrew Whiteside would know about it, probably even before the player in question signed on the dotted line.

Before last week we thought Terry Phelan had the most exotic foreign posting (Charleston Battery in the USA) of all Irish internationals, past and present, but that was before Andrew told us about Mark Draycott: the former Irish under-15 international is playing for Wilmington Hammerheads, like you do.

Draycott (19), was released by Swindon last month and moved to the North Carolina club, who play in the level below the top division, on a free transfer.

The club's website explained it all: "A forward from Swindon, England, offers the Hammerheads more strength and speed up top . . . Mark was a valuable pick-up during the off-season when he was discovered in a combine in Wilmington."

Nope, we don't understand any of that either, but we wish the young fella well.

Quotes of the week

"I must have rocks for brains."

- Ron "Big" Atkinson, completes a bad week by casting a slur on the rock community.

"I would not turn my back on Barcelona for all the gold in the world, or the money in Roman Abramovich's pockets."

- Ronaldinho, confirming he'll be joining Chelsea this summer.

"Thierry Henry is a great player, but if you are asking whether or not he was in our most intimate thoughts, the truth is that he never was."

- Real Madrid president Florentino Perez, confirming he'll be signing Henry this summer.

"It's not cockney - we make sure they speak proper English with good accents."

- Dennis Bergkamp, hinting that he hasn't hired Ray Parlour to teach his kids English.

"Newcastle is not as insipid a city as some people say."

- Laurent Robert gushes about his adopted home.

Reporter: "Are you a racist?" Ron Atkinson: "Am I heck as like."

- And that's as categorical a denial as Ron could ever make.

Healthy phrases for Euro 2004

Judging by the useful Portuguese phrases that appear on the official Euro 2004 website the tournament organisers have some concerns about the health of visiting supporters - they offer translations for "I have fever", "I have a heart condition", "Penicillin", "Antibiotics", "Help" and "Keep Calm".

Our favourite of the lot, though, just proves that football has finally embraced, eh, gender equality - let's just say we're tempted to "hack" the site and inform Sven's Barmy Army that "beer and chips, please" translates into "estou gravida", and not "cerveja and batatas fritas, por favor".

Estou gravida? I am pregnant.

Making sense of big Ron

"Listening to Ron Atkinson over the years," said Danny Baker on Have I Got News For You last week, "I always assumed he never knew the microphone was on."

Harsh, but true enough, Ron didn't always make sense - eg: "I would not say David Ginola is the best left winger in the Premiership, but there are none better."

"Well Clive, it's all about the two m's: movement and positioning."

"The 'keeper should have saved that one, but he did."

"If Glenn Hoddle said one word to his team at half-time, it was 'concentration and focus'."

"Now Man United are 2-1 down on aggregate they are in a better position than when they started the game at 1-1."

And, during that fateful Monaco v Chelsea game, after Morientes held up three fingers upon being fouled by Melchiot for the third time: "He's saying that's twice that's happened."

Singing the praises of Delia Smith

The panel of judges entrusted with the task of picking the English Premiership's "Chant Laureate" have whittled the 1,500 entries down to 30 - of the ones we've seen so far we've a soft spot for the Norwich entry, sung to the tune of Yankee Doodle Dandy: "Delia Smith's a brilliant cook, She feeds our whole team porridge, She makes a cracking steak au poivre, But that don't rhyme with Norwich."

Leeds' standards hit rock bottom

After the experience of one of their reporters last week the Daily Telegraph kind of suspects that the slickness and professionalism of Leeds' media machine has fallen victim to the club's cutbacks.

When their reporter rang Elland Road looking for information he was told Peter Lorimer was now dealing with press enquiries and that he could be contacted at his pub. "So, he rang the number, and heard the clink of glasses and people ordering pints, before a voice said: 'Commercial Inn'."

Of course the Telegraph just couldn't resist making a cutting crack that put "Leeds" and "pub team'" in the same sentence. Tsk.