Russian beds downWe'd be lost without our trusty Internet translator site (www.babelfish.altavista.com) but sometimes it lets us down, not least last week when it kept telling us that the Russian squad coming to Dublin would include a Lokomotiv Moscow defender by the name of Dmitri Straw Mattresses.
Brian Kerr is renowned for his encyclopaedic knowledge of world footballers but we had our doubts that even he'd heard of this lad. Mystery finally solved: if you're ever stuck in Moscow without a bed ask someone for a Dmitri "Sennikov". If you're lucky they'll give you a straw mattress, the English, apparently, for Sennikov. Your education is complete.
Keane on whiskey
"With what do you associate Ireland?" website SovSport asked members of the Russian squad last week.
"With the Irish whiskey," said Dmitri Straw Mattresses (see above).
"I was never in Ireland but for some reason this country is associated with beer," said Dmitri Bulykin.
"With Roy Keane," said Valerie Yesipov.
"With Roy Keane and whiskey," said Marat Izmailov.
Looks to us like Bord Fáilte's Russian branch has a bit of work to do.
False confidence
After being asked to assess the strengths of Republic of Ireland players, based on his experience in the English Premiership, Alexei Smertin told SovSport last week: "Without doubt we should beat Ireland."
Why so confident? Well, Smertin has actually only come up against two Irish players in his single Premiership game to date, for Portsmouth against Wolves. Class never dies, but Denis Irwin will be 38 next month. And the other Irish player Smertin played against? How do we put this? Paul Butler.
Did he think they were still in Irish team? That explains the confidence, then.
Ear to the ground
As the London Evening Standard put it last week all kinds of strange items get handed in to lost property after football games, and most of them are, happily, claimed. Charlton Athletic, though, are still waiting for someone to collect an item that was handed in to them after their recent game against Manchester City: a rubber ear.
"Anyone missing an ear, a right one incidentally, can contact the club's main reception," they told us.
The mind boggles.
Quotes of the week
"I don't think he has a clue what I'm saying, but I get the gist of what he's on about."
- Damien Duff on the language barrier that continues to come between him and Claudio Ranieri.
"I am a happy man. It only remains for me to meet the woman of my life and this happiness will be perfect."
- Nicolas Anelka. Bless.
"No matter what people think, when Emile (Heskey) is on top of his game there are not many better players in the world."
- Michael Owen, displaying some of that renowned Scouse wit.
"Some of the new lads have been looking already (for new homes), but I haven't had time in the afternoon because I've been sleeping a lot."
- You know who. (If you're stuck - clue: Dubliner with a decent left foot. No, not Mark Kennedy).
"I love a game of golf, but it takes too much out of me."
- As above. Would someone give Damien Duff an extra Shredded Wheat for breakfast?
Dowie faces up to truth
Cruellest comment of the week, part one?
Well, Football 365 quoted Oldham manager Iain Dowie, a regular winner of "the ugliest footballer in Britain" award in his playing days, as saying: "A lot of what has gone on over the months has been intolerable, but I can face myself in the mirror."
To which the website replied: "That's one tough mirror."
Roving Robson
Cruellest comment of the week, part two?
Football 365, again: "In a move that Hammers fans are already describing as the worst bombshell to hit the East End since the Blitz, it is revealed that Bryan Robson has thrown his hat into the ring for the West Ham job."
The website then listed a string of football headlines dating back to June 2001, when Robson left Middlesbrough.
November 2001: "Birmingham want Robson".
October 2002: "Robson eyes Ipswich job".
October 2002: "Robson open to Stoke offer".
November 2002: "Robson open to Republic offer".
August 2003: "Robson keen on Nigeria job".
August 2003: "Robson keen on West Ham job".
Would someone please give this man a job?
Food for thought
You probably read about that peculiar game between Barcelona and Seville last week which kicked off at five past midnight (long story, but Barcelona wanted the game played on Tuesday, Seville said no, so they timed it for five minutes into Wednesday, at 12.05).
"Barcelona have opened a melon with this," said a none too impressed Seville manager Joaquin Caparros (is "melon", we wondered, the Spanish for "can of worms"?).
Madrid's press, never friends of Barcelona any way, were scathing, as reported by the Guardian, describing the game as "football in the piss-up hours". Not even Barcelona's provision of free food for the 80,000 crowd impressed them: it was like a "third world soup kitchen, with pushing and shoving and even biting - it was like Iraq". Lovely.
Marketing tool
Here's one for your diary - ITV will soon be showing an hour-long documentary by the name of David Beckham's Body Parts. "The show will ask whether Beckham's body has become the ultimate marketing model for the 21st century," explained a straight-faced Granada spokesman.
The programme will study "the parts of Beckham's anatomy that have made the headlines" - thank God it's not Dwight Yorke's headline-making body parts they're studying.
Rooney's fat chance
You know the way Wayne Rooney is often accused of eating too many pies ("you fat b*****d," as he's often serenaded by opposing fans)? Well, last week his Ma, Jeanette, pleaded with Everton (through the Daily Star) to take her younger son John (13) back after they dispensed with his services. Why did they let him go? Because he's too, well, fat.
Word has it that Everton have posted Jeanette a free copy of the Atkins Diet and asked her, politely, to put her lads on it.
