What's in a name - or two: We liked Football 365's rather topical anagram last week for Ruud van Nistelrooy: To surround naively...

- although we think we have one for the Dutchman that might appeal a little more to Arsene Wenger: A diver's only run out. On the same theme, if you get www.anagramgenius.com to jumble Manchester United v Arsenal, out comes Cruel men - vast insane hatred.

And if all that wasn't fascinating enough, throw Manchester United Football Club into the mixer and you get (1) Loud blubs: Eric Cantona left them, (2) Noted club, richest FA team: no bull, (3) Eric Cantona? Hell: bold butt fumes, (4) Blasted Munich? Coo! Flaunt treble, (5) The dumb fools: cite Laurent Blanc. Mind you, none of them quite matches the website's finest offering - fiddle about with the letters from "Eddie Irvine's autobiography Green Races Red", and you get Cue one sad ego-trip by a renegade Irish driver. Spooky.

No fire sale without smoke

Biggest eejit of the week? Easy: the chap who paid £1,100 for a signed Spurs jersey at a charity auction in London last week and then attempted to set fire to it with a lighter. No, it wasn't Glenn Hoddle but, yes, the proceeds from the evening were going to a fund for the "September 11 firefighters".

Ad men get down and dirty

Footballers, as you know, are asked to endorse all kinds of products and promote an assortment of campaigns. Arsenal's Freddie Ljungberg, for example, was named as the new, um, "face" of Calvin Klein underwear last month. Their promotional guff told us Freddie "represents the ideal of Calvin Klein Pro Stretch, a new performance-inspired men's underwear", leaving us wondering, but afraid to ask, what precisely is "performance-inspired underwear". Anyway, not to be outdone, and flying the flag for Division One in England is Cardiff City's Robert Earnshaw, who has landed his own big gig with Monmouthshire Council. Earnshaw will be promoting lemon-scented scoop-the-poop bags as part of the council's efforts to clean up dog poo (amongst other things) from the playing fields of Wales.

Quotes of the week

"I'm not trying to make excuses, but the lights could have been a problem."

- Kevin Keegan, eh, makes excuses for David Seaman after another dodgy goal.

"When Rhamadhan starts and we have a game I don't do the Rhamadhan. Come on, if you have to do the best for your club you have to eat and be strong. God understands, of course."

- Arsenal's Kolo Toure, suggesting that God is a Gooner.

"People have suggested a points deduction? Why not? Why stop there? Why not just put us in Division One?"

- Arsene Wenger suggests an appropriate punishment for his players. Sounds good.

"In England when you don't score the opponent can score."

- Claudio Ranieri on the difference between football in England and the rest of the world.

"Do people really think we are a bunch of thugs who just go out to kick and scrap and fight and cheat our way to victory?"

- Sol Campbell. Well . . . of course not.

"We're like a baby. We're crawling now. Sometimes we try to stand up but we're not ready yet. The pressure on the baby isn't good, but I'm his father and I'll take all the pressure."

- Claudio Ranieri, still changing nappies.

Question: Are you currently reading any book?

- Teddy Sheringham: "I'm a doer, not a reader."

"It is, and remains, football."

- NAC Breda coach Tom Lokhoff after the Dutch club lost 5-0 to Newcastle in the UEFA Cup.

Chant of the week

"Have you ever seen a salad, have you ****."

As heard every time Leicester City's slightly rotund Alan Rogers was on the ball in Saturday's game against Manchester United.

Cantona riddle deepens

Which footballer gave the following reply to the Guardian last week when asked how he spent his free time? "I try to find different ways of expressing myself. Without that I will die. I am searching for abstract ways of expressing reality, abstract forms that will enlighten my own mystery." Was it (a) David Batty, (b) Ray Parlour or (c) Gary Doherty? Wrong, it was, of course, (d) Eric Cantona (who, incidentally, concluded the interview by saying, "On the whole I talk a lot of rubbish").

Gorilla warfare resumes

When Peter Reid was manager of Sunderland the favourite terrace tune down the road in Newcastle (to the air of Yellow Submarine) went like this: "Peter Reid's got a beeping monkey's head, a beeping monkey's head, a beeping monkey's head, Peter Reid peels bananas with his feet, bananas with his feet, bananas with his feet, Peter Reid swings from tree to tree, et cetera." When Reid left Sunderland he must have hoped the days of being told he looked like a monkey were gone. Afraid not. Fiat are currently running an advertising campaign in the British press, the latest ad taking the mickey out of Leeds United - the "highlight" being Reid portrayed as, yes, a monkey. "I'm all in favour of a bit of humour in the game . . . but there's a fine line to be drawn," complained Leeds chairman John McKenzie. "This time, I think somebody went too far. To show the manager as a gorilla was offensive, I think." What does he mean "I think"?

Great skills . . . poor engine

Whatever happened to . . . Claudio Taffarel? Remember, the lad who played in goal for Brazil in the 1994 and 1998 World Cup finals? Lately Taffarel had only been third-choice goalkeeper for Parma, so when Empoli came calling last week he agreed to join them. But? When his car wouldn't start on the day he was to sign his contract he concluded it was a message from God that he should retire. He pulled out of the deal, announced his retirement and now hopes to open a restaurant in Parma. Meanwhile, rumour has it Manchester City are suing the AA for fixing David Seaman's dodgy engine as he set off from Highbury this summer.