By Mary Hannigan

Kelly's heroes are honoured in - um - song

Sean Kelly came second in last year's Chant Laureate competition in England, but, judging by his website (www.kusco.co.uk), he's simply upping his efforts to go one better next time around, rather than throwing in the towel.

There are some fine compositions in there, but we're not entirely convinced by this tribute to Shay Given (to the tune of the Electric Light Orchestra's It's a Living Thing): "He flies through the air, you sure know that he's there, it's like magic, (Shay Given is fine), You can shoot all you can, it'll end in Shay's hands, not so tragic, (you're wasting your time), And oooooooh, he flies so hi-i-igh, and oooooooh, woooah, higher and higher baby.

"It's a Given thing, your attackers can line up in queues, it's a Given thing, with Shay Given we know we can't lose."

Nor, indeed, can we see this one catching on at Lansdowne Road (to the tune of Del Shannon's Runaway): "I'm-a watching John O'Shea, passing, scoring he controls the game, Wishing you were here by me, to see our victory.

"He's a wonder, a wo-wo wo wo wonder, Why, why, why, why, why, why, Is he so great? It's a wonder, How well he plays, My little John O'Shea, My John-John-John-John John O'Shea."

Like father like son

This enchanting photo arrived by email last week (thank you Patrick) under the heading "Why Men Shouldn't Babysit". Cripes, they breed rowdy football supporters young in the Netherlands.

The pressures of Christmas

Pampered Footballers Part 835: Reading manager Steve Coppell banned Christmas for his players because: "The wives wouldn't agree, but I don't think footballers should be going Christmas shopping. This may sound stupid, but having to fight the crowds in a busy shopping centre, going off visiting or having people visit you can be demanding." Delicate petals, eh?

Quotes of the week

"Right now everything is going wrong for me - if I fell in a barrel of boobs I'd come out sucking my thumb."

- QPR manager Ian Holloway. We'll leave it there.

"I've heard the rumours, Liverpool need a striker, but although two and two might look like four, it could also be three or five."

- Kevin Keegan, kind of ruling himself out of the running should Carol Vorderman ever retire from Countdown.

Mark Pougatch (Match of the Day): "In a word, are Arsenal still in the title race?"

Alan Hansen: "Very much so."

- Hansen's no Vorderman either, by the sounds of it (from Football 365).

"The only difference between Jose Mourinho and Brian Clough is that he (Mourinho) is not old so I can't call him Ol' Big 'ead, he's Young Big 'ead."

- Scunthorpe manager Brian Laws.

"How nice that Roman salute was, it delighted me so much. I shall write him a thank-you note."

- Alessandra Mussolini, grand-daughter of Benito, praising Paolo Di Canio for celebrating Lazio's win over Roma with a fascist-style salute.

Mellor's London fan-base shrinks even further

Young Neil Mellor has been doing just fine in the Liverpool attack of late, his golden moment, of course, that stunner of a late winner against Arsenal a few weeks back. According to the London Telegraph, though, Mellor made a different kind of impression when he was on loan at West Ham, with Jeremy Nicholas, the club's match day announcer, writing in a recent programme: "Mellor is easily the worst footballer I've ever seen in a West Ham shirt, and I'm including Marco Boogers in that.

"When he was here he struck me as a big bloke who had no idea how to control the ball and could never guess what his team-mates were going to do. He could run enthusiastically in a straight line, but he had no idea what to do when he got there. And as for basic skills, like stopping and turning, he must have been away the week they were handed out."

Apart from all that he was a big hit at West Ham.

What they said about that 'goal'

(the one Spurs did but didn't score at Old Trafford)

"I've never seen one so over the line and not given in my career. It's really, really over. What can you do but laugh about it? It's not every game you score from the halfway line."

- Pedro Mendes, the "goal" scorer, opting to laugh rather than cry.

"I don't want to call it a disgrace because I can understand it. But it is a disgrace."

- Spurs manager Martin Jol.

"Everyone's talking about this incident, but we should have had a penalty when Rio went down in the box."

- Guess who? Cryptic clue: he's manager of Manchester United.

"There was nothing I could have done differently, apart from run faster than Linford Christie."

- Linesman Rob Lewis. You could have tried opening your eyes, Rob.

"The shot came in from an unusual distance and as such caught the linesman out of position forcing him to race back towards the goal . . . as he ran, the United scarf he was wearing under his shirt came loose and fluttered up into his face obscuring his view and preventing him from making the call. It was just one of those things."

- Spoof FA statement doing the rounds last week.

"The goal had to be disallowed to avoid us descending down a slippery slope . . . it's a fine line the officials have to walk. If they award a goal (at Old Trafford) this week, next week someone might expect a penalty or even ask that van Nistelrooy be booked for diving."

- More from the "FA" statement.